A TRAMP ABROAD By Mark Twain

and said:

“Thirty-five yards–without a rest? But why ask? Since

murder was that man’s intention, why should he palter

with small details? But mark you one thing: in my fall

the world shall see how the chivalry of France meets death.”

After a long silence he asked:

“Was nothing said about that man’s family standing

up with him, as an offset to my bulk? But no matter;

I would not stoop to make such a suggestion; if he is

not noble enough to suggest it himself, he is welcome

to this advantage, which no honorable man would take.”

He now sank into a sort of stupor of reflection,

which lasted some minutes; after which he broke silence with:

“The hour–what is the hour fixed for the collision?”

“Dawn, tomorrow.”

He seemed greatly surprised, and immediately said:

“Insanity! I never heard of such a thing. Nobody is

abroad at such an hour.”

“That is the reason I named it. Do you mean to say you

want an audience?”

“It is no time to bandy words. I am astonished that M. Fourtou

should ever have agreed to so strange an innovation.

Go at once and require a later hour.”

I ran downstairs, threw open the front door, and almost

plunged into the arms of M. Fourtou’s second. He said:

“I have the honor to say that my principal strenuously

objects to the hour chosen, and begs you will consent

to change it to half past nine.”

“Any courtesy, sir, which it is in our power to extend

is at the service of your excellent principal. We agree

to the proposed change of time.”

“I beg you to accept the thanks of my client.” Then he

turned to a person behind him, and said, “You hear, M. Noir,

the hour is altered to half past nine. ” Whereupon

M. Noir bowed, expressed his thanks, and went away.

My accomplice continued:

“If agreeable to you, your chief surgeons and ours shall

proceed to the field in the same carriage as is customary.”

“It is entirely agreeable to me, and I am obliged

to you for mentioning the surgeons, for I am afraid

I should not have thought of them. How many shall

I want? I supposed two or three will be enough?”

“Two is the customary number for each party. I refer

to ‘chief’ surgeons; but considering the exalted positions

occupied by our clients, it will be well and decorous

that each of us appoint several consulting surgeons,

from among the highest in the profession. These will

come in their own private carriages. Have you engaged

a hearse?”

“Bless my stupidity, I never thought of it!” I will attend

to it right away. I must seem very ignorant to you;

but you must try to overlook that, because I have never

had any experience of such a swell duel as this before.

I have had a good deal to do with duels on the Pacific coast,

but I see now that they were crude affairs. A hearse–sho!

we used to leave the elected lying around loose, and let

anybody cord them up and cart them off that wanted to.

Have you anything further to suggest?”

“Nothing, except that the head undertakers shall ride together,

as is usual. The subordinates and mutes will go on foot,

as is also usual. I will see you at eight o’clock

in the morning, and we will then arrange the order

of the procession. I have the honor to bid you a good day.”

I returned to my client, who said, “Very well;

at what hour is the engagement to begin?”

“Half past nine.”

“Very good indeed.; Have you sent the fact to the newspapers?”

“SIR! If after our long and intimate friendship you can

for a moment deem me capable of so base a treachery–”

“Tut, tut! What words are these, my dear friend? Have I

wounded you? Ah, forgive me; I am overloading you with labor.

Therefore go on with the other details, and drop this

one from your list. The bloody-minded Fourtou will be

sure to attend to it. Or I myself–yes, to make certain,

I will drop a note to my journalistic friend, M. Noir–”

“Oh, come to think of it, you may save yourself the trouble;