A TRAMP ABROAD By Mark Twain

tongue–to swear with, and also to use in describing

all sorts of vigorous things in a vigorous ways. [4]

4. “Verdammt,” and its variations and enlargements,

are words which have plenty of meaning, but the SOUNDS

are so mild and ineffectual that German ladies can use

them without sin. German ladies who could not be induced

to commit a sin by any persuasion or compulsion, promptly rip

out one of these harmless little words when they tear their

dresses or don’t like the soup. It sounds about as wicked

as our “My gracious.” German ladies are constantly saying,

“Ach! Gott!” “Mein Gott!” “Gott in Himmel!” “Herr Gott”

“Der Herr Jesus!” etc. They think our ladies have the

same custom, perhaps; for I once heard a gentle and lovely

old German lady say to a sweet young American girl:

“The two languages are so alike–how pleasant that is;

we say ‘Ach! Gott!’ you say ‘Goddamn.'”

Fourthly, I would reorganizes the sexes, and distribute

them accordingly to the will of the creator. This as

a tribute of respect, if nothing else.

Fifthly, I would do away with those great long

compounded words; or require the speaker to deliver

them in sections, with intermissions for refreshments.

To wholly do away with them would be best, for ideas are

more easily received and digested when they come one at

a time than when they come in bulk. Intellectual food

is like any other; it is pleasanter and more beneficial

to take it with a spoon than with a shovel.

Sixthly, I would require a speaker to stop when he is done,

and not hang a string of those useless “haven sind gewesen

gehabt haben geworden seins” to the end of his oration.

This sort of gewgaws undignify a speech, instead of adding

a grace. They are, therefore, an offense, and should

be discarded.

Seventhly, I would discard the Parenthesis. Also the

reparenthesis,

the re-reparenthesis, and the re-re-re-re-re-reparentheses,

and likewise the final wide-reaching all-enclosing

king-parenthesis. I would require every individual,

be he high or low, to unfold a plain straightforward tale,

or else coil it and sit on it and hold his peace.

Infractions of this law should be punishable with death.

And eighthly, and last, I would retain ZUG and SCHLAG,

with their pendants, and discard the rest of the vocabulary.

This would simplify the language.

I have now named what I regard as the most necessary

and important changes. These are perhaps all I could

be expected to name for nothing; but there are other

suggestions which I can and will make in case my proposed

application shall result in my being formally employed

by the government in the work of reforming the language.

My philological studies have satisfied me that a gifted person

ought to learn English (barring spelling and pronouncing)

in thirty hours, French in thirty days, and German

in thirty years. It seems manifest, then, that the

latter tongue ought to be trimmed down and repaired.

If it is to remain as it is, it ought to be gently

and reverently set aside among the dead languages,

for only the dead have time to learn it.

A FOURTH OF JULY ORATION IN THE GERMAN TONGUE, DELIVERED AT

A BANQUET OF THE ANGLO-AMERICAN CLUB OF STUDENTS BY THE

AUTHOR OF THIS BOOK

Gentlemen: Since I arrived, a month ago, in this

old wonderland, this vast garden of Germany, my English

tongue has so often proved a useless piece of baggage

to me, and so troublesome to carry around, in a country

where they haven’t the checking system for luggage, that I

finally set to work, and learned the German language.

Also! Es freut mich dass dies so ist, denn es muss,

in ein haupts:achlich degree, h:oflich sein, dass man

auf ein occasion like this, sein Rede in die Sprache des

Landes worin he boards, aussprechen soll. Daf:ur habe ich,

aus reinische Verlegenheit–no, Vergangenheit–no, I

mean Hoflichkeit–aus reinishe Hoflichkeit habe ich

resolved to tackle this business in the German language,

um Gottes willen! Also! Sie mu”ssen so freundlich sein,

und verzeih mich die interlarding von ein oder zwei

Englischer Worte, hie und da, denn ich finde dass die

deutsche is not a very copious language, and so when