A TRAMP ABROAD By Mark Twain

else you wouldn’t have punished me so. You haven’t

change your nature nor your person, in any way at all;

you look as young as you did then, you are just as beautiful

as you were then, and you have transmitted a deal

of your comeliness to this fine boy. There–if that

speech moves you any, let’s fly the flag of truce,

with the understanding that I am conquered and confess it.”

All of which was agreed to and accomplished, on the spot.

When I went back to Harris, I said:

“Now you see what a person with talent and address can do.”

“Excuse me, I see what a person of colossal ignorance and

simplicity can do. The idea of your going and intruding

on a party of strangers, that way, and talking for half

an hour; why I never heard of a man in his right mind

doing such a thing before. What did you say to them?”

I never said any harm. I merely asked the girl what her

name was.”

“I don’t doubt it. Upon my word I don’t. I think you

were capable of it. It was stupid in me to let you go

over there and make such an exhibition of yourself.

But you know I couldn’t really believe you would do such

an inexcusable thing. What will those people think

of us? But how did you say it?–I mean the manner of it.

I hope you were not abrupt.”

“No, I was careful about that. I said, ‘My friend and I

would like to know what your name is, if you don’t mind.'”

“No, that was not abrupt. There is a polish about it that

does you infinite credit. And I am glad you put me in;

that was a delicate attention which I appreciate at its

full value. What did she do?”

“She didn’t do anything in particular. She told me

her name.”

“Simply told you her name. Do you mean to say she did

not show any surprise?”

“Well, now I come to think, she did show something;

maybe it was surprise; I hadn’t thought of that–I took

it for gratification.”

“Oh, undoubtedly you were right; it must have been gratification;

it could not be otherwise than gratifying to be assaulted

by a stranger with such a question as that. Then what did you

do?”

“I offered my hand and the party gave me a shake.”

“I saw it! I did not believe my own eyes, at the time.

Did the gentleman say anything about cutting your throat?”

“No, they all seemed glad to see me, as far as I could judge.”

“And do you know, I believe they were. I think they said

to themselves, ‘Doubtless this curiosity has got away from

his keeper–let us amuse ourselves with him.’ There is

no other way of accounting for their facile docility.

You sat down. Did they ASK you to sit down?”

“No, they did not ask me, but I suppose they did not think

of it.”

“You have an unerring instinct. What else did you do?

What did you talk about?”

“Well, I asked the girl how old she was.”

“UNdoubtedly. Your delicacy is beyond praise. Go on,

go on–don’t mind my apparent misery–I always look

so when I am steeped in a profound and reverent joy.

Go on–she told you her age?”

“Yes, she told me her age, and all about her mother,

and her grandmother, and her other relations, and all

about herself.”

“Did she volunteer these statistics?”

“No, not exactly that. I asked the questions and she

answered them.”

“This is divine. Go on–it is not possible that you

forgot to inquire into her politics?”

“No, I thought of that. She is a democrat, her husband

is a republican, and both of them are Baptists.”

“Her husband? Is that child married?”

“She is not a child. She is married, and that is her

husband who is there with her.”

“Has she any children.”

“Yes–seven and a half.”

“That is impossible.”

“No, she has them. She told me herself.”

“Well, but seven and a HALF? How do you make out the half?

Where does the half come in?”

“There is a child which she had by another husband–