Christian Science by Mark Twain

doctors, druggists, and patent medicines of the country.” Christian

Science came to his help, and “the old sick conditions passed away,” and

along with them the “dismal forebodings” which he had been accustomed to

employ in conjuring up ailments. And so he was a healthy and cheerful

man, now, and astonished.

But I am not astonished, for from other sources I know what must have

been his method of applying Christian Science. If I am in the right, he

watchfully and diligently diverted his mind from unhealthy channels and

compelled it to travel in healthy ones. Nothing contrivable by human

invention could be more formidably effective than that, in banishing

imaginary ailments and in closing the entrances against sub-sequent

applicants of their breed. I think his method was to keep saying, “I am

well! I am sound!–sound and well! well and sound! Perfectly sound,

perfectly well! I have no pain; there’s no such thing as pain! I have

no disease; there’s no such thing as disease! Nothing is real but Mind;

all is Mind, All-Good Good-Good, Life, Soul, Liver, Bones, one of a

series, ante and pass the buck!”

I do not mean that that was exactly the formula used, but that it

doubtless contains the spirit of it. The Scientist would attach value to

the exact formula, no doubt, and to the religious spirit in which it was

used. I should think that any formula that would divert the mind from

unwholesome channels and force it into healthy ones would answer every

purpose with some people, though not with all. I think it most likely

that a very religious man would find the addition of the religious spirit

a powerful reinforcement in his case.

The second witness testifies that the Science banished “an old organic

trouble,” which the doctor and the surgeon had been nursing with drugs

and the knife for seven years.

He calls it his “claim.” A surface-miner would think it was not his

claim at all, but the property of the doctor and his pal the surgeon–for

he would be misled by that word, which is Christian-Science slang for

“ailment.” The Christian Scientist has no ailment; to him there is no

such thing, and he will not use the hateful word. All that happens to

him is that upon his attention an imaginary disturbance sometimes

obtrudes itself which claims to be an ailment but isn’t.

This witness offers testimony for a clergyman seventy years old who had

preached forty years in a Christian church, and has now gone over to the

new sect. He was “almost blind and deaf.” He was treated by the C. S.

method, and “when he heard the voice of Truth he saw spiritually.” Saw

spiritually? It is a little indefinite; they had better treat him again.

Indefinite testimonies might properly be waste-basketed, since there is

evidently no lack of definite ones procurable; but this C. S. magazine

is poorly edited, and so mistakes of this kind must be expected.

The next witness is a soldier of the Civil War. When Christian Science

found him, he had in stock the following claims :

Indigestion,

Rheumatism,

Catarrh,

Chalky deposits in

Shoulder-joints,

Arm-joints,

Hand-joints,

Insomnia,

Atrophy of the muscles of

Arms.

Shoulders,

Stiffness of all those joints,

Excruciating pains most of the time.

These claims have a very substantial sound. They came of exposure in the

campaigns. The doctors did all they could, but it was little. Prayers

were tried, but “I never realized any physical relief from that source.”

After thirty years of torture, he went to a Christian Scientist and took

an hour’s treatment and went home painless. Two days later, he “began to

eat like a well man.” Then “the claims vanished–some at once, others

more gradually”; finally, “they have almost entirely disappeared.” And–

a thing which is of still greater value–he is now “contented and happy.”

That is a detail which, as earlier remarked, is a Scientist-Church

specialty. And, indeed, one may go further and assert with little or no

exaggeration that it is a Christian-Science monopoly. With thirty-one

years’ effort, the Methodist Church had not succeeded in furnishing it to

this harassed soldier.

And so the tale goes on. Witness after witness bulletins his claims,

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