Christian Science by Mark Twain

you to infer that it was “we” that suffered the mentioned injury, but if

you should carry the language to a court you would not be able to prove

that it necessarily meant that. “We” are Mrs. Eddy; a funny little

affectation. She replaced it later with the more dignified third person.

The quoted paragraph is from Mrs. Eddy’s preface to the first revision of

Science and Health (1883). Sixty-four pages further along–in the body

of the book (the elephant-range), she went out with that same flint-lock

and got this following result. Its English is very nearly as straight

and clean and competent as is the English of the latest revision of

Science and Health after the gun has been improved from smooth-bore

musket up to globe-sighted, long distance rifle:

“Man controlled by his Maker has no physical suffering. His body is

harmonious, his days are multiplying instead of diminishing, he is

journeying towards Life instead of death, and bringing out the new man

and crucifying the old affections, cutting them off in every material

direction until he learns the utter supremacy of Spirit and yields

obedience thereto.”

In the latest revision of Science and Health (1902), the perfected gun

furnishes the following. The English is clean, compact, dignified,

almost perfect. But it is observable that it is not prominently better

than it is in the above paragraph, which was a product of the primitive

flint-lock:

“How unreasonable is the belief that we are wearing out life and

hastening to death, and at the same time we are communing with

immortality? If the departed are in rapport with mortality, or matter,

they are not spiritual, but must still be mortal, sinful, suffering, and

dying. Then wherefore look to them–even were communication possible–

for proofs of immortality and accept them as oracles?”–Edition of 1902,

page 78.

With the above paragraphs compare these that follow. It is Mrs. Eddy

writing–after a good long twenty years of pen-practice. Compare also

with the alleged Poems already quoted. The prominent characteristic of

the Poems is affectation, artificiality; their makeup is a complacent and

pretentious outpour of false figures and fine writing, in the sophomoric

style. The same qualities and the same style will be found, unchanged,

unbettered, in these following paragraphs–after a lapse of more than

fifty years, and after–as aforesaid–long literary training. The

italics are mine:

1. “What plague spot or bacilli were [sic] gnawing [sic] at the heart of

this metropolis . . . and bringing it [the heart] on bended knee?

Why, it was an institute that had entered its vitals–that, among other

things, taught games,” et cetera.–C.S. Journal, p. 670, article

entitled “A Narrative–by Mary Baker G. Eddy.”

2. “Parks sprang up [sic] . . . electric-cars run [sic] merrily

through several streets, concrete sidewalks and macadamized roads dotted

[sic] the place,” et cetera.–Ibid.

3. “Shorn [sic] of its suburbs it had indeed little left to admire, save

to [sic] such as fancy a skeleton above ground breathing [sic] slowly

through a barren [sic] breast.”–Ibid.

This is not English–I mean, grown-up English. But it is fifteen-year–

old English, and has not grown a month since the same mind produced the

Poems. The standard of the Poems and of the plague-spot-and-bacilli

effort is exactly the same. It is most strange that the same intellect

that worded the simple and self-contained and clean-cut paragraph

beginning with “How unreasonable is the belief,” should in the very same

lustrum discharge upon the world such a verbal chaos as the utterance

concerning that plague-spot or bacilli which were gnawing at the insides

of the metropolis and bringing its heart on bended knee, thus exposing to

the eye the rest of the skeleton breathing slowly through a barren

breast.

The immense contrast between the legitimate English of Science and Health

and the bastard English of Mrs. Eddy’s miscellaneous work, and between

the maturity of the one diction and the juvenility of the other,

suggests–compels–the question, Are there two guns? It would seem so.

Is there a poor, foolish, old, scattering flint-lock for rabbit, and a

long-range, centre-driving, up-to-date Mauser-magazine for elephant? It

looks like it. For it is observable that in Science and Health (the

elephant-ground) the practice was good at the start and has remained so,

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