Christian Science by Mark Twain

“Then for a branch Church to assume such position would be disastrous to

Christian Science,

“Therefore–”

Therefore no branch Church is allowed to have branches. There shall be

no Christian Science St. Peter’s in the earth but just one –the Mother-

Church in Boston.

“NO FIRST MEMBERS”

But for the thoughtful By-law thus entitled, every Science branch in the

earth would imitate the Mother-Church and set up an aristocracy. Every

little group of ground-floor Smiths and Furgusons and Shadwells and

Simpsons that organized a branch would assume that great title, of “First

Members,” along with its vast privileges of “discussing” the weather and

casting blank ballots, and soon there would be such a locust-plague of

them burdening the globe that the title would lose its value and have to

be abolished.

But where business and glory are concerned, Mrs. Eddy thinks of

everything, and so she did not fail to take care of her Aborigines, her

stately and exclusive One Hundred, her college of functionless cardinals,

her Sanhedrin of Privileged Talkers (Limited). After taking away all the

liberties of the branch Churches, and in the same breath disclaiming all

official control over their affairs, she smites them on the mouth with

this–the very mouth that was watering for those nobby ground-floor

honors–

“No First Members. Branch Churches shall not organize with First

Members, that special method of organization being adapted to the Mother-

Church alone.”

And so, first members being prohibited, we pierce through the cloud of

Mrs. Eddy’s English and perceive that they must then necessarily organize

with Subsequent Members. There is no other way. It will occur to them

by-and-by to found an aristocracy of Early Subsequent Members. There is

no By-law against it.

“THE”

I uncover to that imperial word. And to the mind, too, that conceived

the idea of seizing and monopolizing it as a title. I believe it is Mrs.

Eddy’s dazzlingest invention. For show, and style, and grandeur, and

thunder and lightning and fireworks it outclasses all the previous

inventions of man, and raises the limit on the Pope. He can never put

his avid hand on that word of words–it is pre-empted. And copyrighted,

of course. It lifts the Mother-Church away up in the sky, and

fellowships it with the rare and select and exclusive little company of

the THE’s of deathless glory–persons and things whereof history and the

ages could furnish only single examples, not two: the Saviour, the

Virgin, the Milky Way, the Bible, the Earth, the Equator, the Devil, the

Missing Link –and now The First Church, Scientist. And by clamor of

edict and By-law Mrs. Eddy gives personal notice to all branch Scientist

Churches on this planet to leave that THE alone.

She has demonstrated over it and made it sacred to the Mother-Church:

“The article ‘The’ must not be used before the titles of branch

Churches–

“Nor written on applications for membership in naming such churches.”

Those are the terms. There can and will be a million First Churches of

Christ, Scientist, scattered over the world, in a million towns and

villages and hamlets and cities, and each may call itself (suppressing

the article), “First Church of Christ. Scientist”–it is permissible,

and no harm; but there is only one The Church of Christ, Scientist, and

there will never be another. And whether that great word fall in the

middle of a sentence or at the beginning of it, it must always have its

capital T.

I do not suppose that a juvenile passion for fussy little worldly shows

and vanities can furnish a match to this, anywhere in the history of the

nursery. Mrs. Eddy does seem to be a shade fonder of little special

distinctions and pomps than is usual with human beings.

She instituted that immodest “The” with her own hand; she did not wait

for somebody else to think of it.

A LIFE-TERM MONOPOLY

There is but one human Pastor in the whole Christian Science world; she

reserves that exalted place to herself.

A PERPETUAL ONE

There is but one other object in the whole Christian Science world

honored with that title and holding that office: it is her book, the

Annex –permanent Pastor of The First Church, and of all branch Churches.

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