Christian Science by Mark Twain

leave, saying I was free to eat and drink anything I pleased and in any

quantity I liked. But I was not hungry any more, and did not care for

food.

I took up the Christian Science book and read half of it, then took a

dipperful of drench and read the other half. The resulting experiences

were full of interest and adventure. All through the rumblings and

grindings and quakings and effervescings accompanying the evolution of

the ache into the botts and the cold into the blind staggers I could note

the generous struggle for mastery going on between the mash and the

drench and the literature; and often I could tell which was ahead, and

could easily distinguish the literature from the others when the others

were separate, though not when they were mixed; for when a bran-mash and

an eclectic drench are mixed together they look just like the Apodictical

Principle out on a lark, and no one can tell it from that. The finish

was reached at last, the evolutions were complete, and a fine success,

but I think that this result could have been achieved with fewer

materials. I believe the mash was necessary to the conversion of the

stomach-ache into the botts, but I think one could develop the blind

staggers out of the literature by itself; also, that blind staggers

produced in this way would be of a better quality and more lasting than

any produced by the artificial processes of the horse-doctor.

For of all the strange and frantic and incomprehensible and

uninterpretable books which the imagination of man has created, surely

this one is the prize sample. It is written with a limitless confidence

and complacency, and with a dash and stir and earnestness which often

compel the effects of eloquence, even when the words do not seem to have

any traceable meaning. There are plenty of people who imagine they

understand the book; I know this, for I have talked with them; but in all

cases they were people who also imagined that there were no such things

as pain, sickness, and death, and no realities in the world; nothing

actually existent but Mind. It seems to me to modify the value of their

testimony. When these people talk about Christian Science they do as

Mrs. Fuller did: they do not use their own language, but the book’s; they

pour out the book’s showy incoherences, and leave you to find out later

that they were not originating, but merely quoting; they seem to know the

volume by heart, and to revere it as they would a Bible– another Bible,

perhaps I ought to say. Plainly the book was written under the mental

desolations of the Third Degree, and I feel sure that none but the

membership of that Degree can discover meanings in it. When you read it

you seem to be listening to a lively and aggressive and oracular speech

delivered in an unknown tongue, a speech whose spirit you get but not the

particulars; or, to change the figure, you seem to be listening to a

vigorous instrument which is making a noise which it thinks is a tune,

but which, to persons not members of the band, is only the martial

tooting of a trombone, and merrily stirs the soul through the noise, but

does not convey a meaning.

The book’s serenities of self-satisfaction do almost seem to smack of a

heavenly origin– they have no blood-kin in the earth. It is more than

human to be so placidly certain about things, and so finely superior, and

so airily content with one’s performance. Without ever presenting

anything which may rightfully be called by the strong name of Evidence,

and sometimes without even mentioning a reason for a deduction at all, it

thunders out the startling words, “I have Proved” so and so. It takes

the Pope and all the great guns of his Church in battery assembled to

authoritatively settle and establish the meaning of a sole and single

unclarified passage of Scripture, and this at vast cost of time and study

and reflection, but the author of this work is superior to all that: she

finds the whole Bible in an unclarified audition, and at small expense of

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