Christian Science by Mark Twain

If this tale has any object, it is to intimate that the inspired book was

supernaturally able to convey a sense of its sacred and awful character

to this innocent little creature, without the intervention of outside

aids. The magazine is not edited with high-priced discretion. The

editor has a “claim,” and he ought to get it treated.

Among other witnesses there is one who had a “jumping toothache,” which

several times tempted her to “believe that there was sensation in matter,

but each time it was overcome by the power of Truth.” She would not

allow the dentist to use cocaine, but sat there and let him punch and

drill and split and crush the tooth, and tear and slash its ulcerations,

and pull out the nerve, and dig out fragments of bone; and she wouldn’t

once confess that it hurt. And to this day she thinks it didn’t, and I

have not a doubt that she is nine-tenths right, and that her Christian-

Science faith did her better service than she could have gotten out of

cocaine.

There is an account of a boy who got broken all up into small bits by an

accident, but said over the Scientific Statement of Being, or some of the

other incantations, and got well and sound without having suffered any

real pain and without the intrusion of a surgeon.

Also, there is an account of the restoration to perfect health, in a

single night, of a fatally injured horse, by the application of Christian

Science. I can stand a good deal, but I recognize that the ice is

getting thin, here. That horse had as many as fifty claims; how could he

demonstrate over them? Could he do the All-Good, Good-Good, Good-

Gracious, Liver, Bones, Truth, All down but Nine, Set them up on the

Other Alley? Could he intone the Scientific Statement of Being? Now,

could he? Wouldn’t it give him a relapse? Let us draw the line at

horses. Horses and furniture.

There is plenty of other testimonies in the magazine, but these quoted

samples will answer. They show the kind of trade the Science is driving.

Now we come back to the question, Does the Science kill a patient here

and there and now and then? We must concede it. Does it compensate for

this? I am persuaded that it can make a plausible showing in that

direction. For instance: when it lays its hand upon a soldier who has

suffered thirty years of helpless torture and makes him whole in body and

mind, what is the actual sum of that achievement? This,.I think: that it

has restored to life a subject who had essentially died ten deaths a year

for thirty years, and each of them a long and painful one. But for its

interference that man in the three years which have since elapsed, would

have essentially died thirty times more. There are thousands of young

people in the land who are now ready to enter upon a life-long death

similar to that man’s. Every time the Science captures one of these and

secures to him life-long immunity from imagination-manufactured disease,

it may plausibly claim that in his person it has saved three hundred

lives. Meantime, it will kill a man every now and then. But no matter,

it will still be ahead on the credit side.

[NOTE.–I have received several letters (two from educated and ostensibly

intelligent persons), which contained, in substance, this protest: “I

don’t object to men and women chancing their lives with these people, but

it is a burning shame that the law should allow them to trust their

helpless little children in their deadly hands. “Isn’t it touching?

Isn’t it deep? Isn’t it modest? It is as if the person said: “I know

that to a parent his child is the core of his heart, the apple of his

eye, a possession so dear, so precious that he will trust its life in no

hands but those which he believes, with all his soul, to be the very best

and the very safest, but it is a burning shame that the law does not

require him to come to me to ask what kind of healer I will allow him to

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