LIFE ON THE MISSISSIPPI BY MARK TWAIN

would live as neatly while they are alive as they do after they are dead,

they would find many advantages in it; and besides, their quarter would

be the wonder and admiration of the business world. Fresh flowers,

in vases of water, are to be seen at the portals of many of the vaults:

placed there by the pious hands of bereaved parents and children,

husbands and wives, and renewed daily. A milder form of sorrow finds

its inexpensive and lasting remembrancer in the coarse and ugly

but indestructible ‘immortelle’–which is a wreath or cross or some

such emblem, made of rosettes of black linen, with sometimes a yellow

rosette at the conjunction of the cross’s bars–kind of sorrowful

breast-pin, so to say. The immortelle requires no attention:

you just hang it up, and there you are; just leave it alone, it will take

care of your grief for you, and keep it in mind better than you can;

stands weather first-rate, and lasts like boiler-iron.

On sunny days, pretty little chameleons–gracefullest of legged reptiles–

creep along the marble fronts of the vaults, and catch flies. Their changes

of color–as to variety–are not up to the creature’s reputation.

They change color when a person comes along and hangs up an immortelle;

but that is nothing: any right-feeling reptile would do that.

I will gradually drop this subject of graveyards. I have been

trying all I could to get down to the sentimental part of it,

but I cannot accomplish it. I think there is no genuinely

sentimental part to it. It is all grotesque, ghastly, horrible.

Graveyards may have been justifiable in the bygone ages,

when nobody knew that for every dead body put into the ground,

to glut the earth and the plant-roots, and the air with

disease-germs, five or fifty, or maybe a hundred persons must die

before their proper time; but they are hardly justifiable now,

when even the children know that a dead saint enters upon

a century-long career of assassination the moment the earth

closes over his corpse. It is a grim sort of a thought.

The relics of St. Anne, up in Canada, have now, after nineteen

hundred years, gone to curing the sick by the dozen.

But it is merest matter-of-course that these same relics,

within a generation after St. Anne’s death and burial,

MADE several thousand people sick. Therefore these

miracle-performances are simply compensation, nothing more.

St. Anne is somewhat slow pay, for a Saint, it is true;

but better a debt paid after nineteen hundred years,

and outlawed by the statute of limitations, than not paid at all;

and most of the knights of the halo do not pay at all.

Where you find one that pays–like St. Anne–you find

a hundred and fifty that take the benefit of the statute.

And none of them pay any more than the principal of what they owe–

they pay none of the interest either simple or compound.

A Saint can never QUITE return the principal, however;

for his dead body KILLS people, whereas his relics HEAL only–

they never restore the dead to life. That part of the account is

always left unsettled.

‘Dr. F. Julius Le Moyne, after fifty years of medical practice, wrote:

“The inhumation of human bodies, dead from infectious diseases,

results in constantly loading the atmosphere, and polluting the waters,

with not only the germs that rise from simply putrefaction, but also with

the SPECIFIC germs of the diseases from which death resulted.”

‘The gases (from buried corpses) will rise to the surface

through eight or ten feet of gravel, just as coal-gas will do,

and there is practically no limit to their power of escape.

‘During the epidemic in New Orleans in 1853, Dr. E. H. Barton

reported that in the Fourth District the mortality was four hundred

and fifty-two per thousand–more than double that of any other.

In this district were three large cemeteries, in which during

the previous year more than three thousand bodies had been buried.

In other districts the proximity of cemeteries seemed to

aggravate the disease.

‘In 1828 Professor Bianchi demonstrated how the fearful reappearance

of the plague at Modena was caused by excavations in ground where,

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