First Clerk Gerard: That is so, Senator.
Senator Bourse: I see. Naturally, I myself advocate the republican system. Indeed, I yield to none in the depths of my love, my adoration, for democracy. Yet—I must speak frankly—it is a fact, albeit regrettable, that the replacement of monarchies by republics has frequently been accompanied by great disorder and tumult. For all too often the lowlifes of a new Republic confuse freedom with license, especially as the economic dictates of modern society gain their full sway, unhampered by now-discarded feudal impediments.
First Clerk Gerard: Puissant senator, I believe that you need have no fears in this regard regarding the new provisional government of Goimr. To begin with, let me assure you that the ascension of the new government did not take place through disreputable riot and revolution, but through the most precisely legal and legitimate means. The King of Goimr having been determined an insane man, the Council of State declared him unfit for regnancy and placed him in an asylum, where, I regret to say, the poor man hanged himself in his sleep. We then examined his heirs, down through all collateral lines to three generations, both male and female, to find an heir who would satisfy the basic requirement of rulership according to the ancient laws of the Kingdom of Goimr. Regretfully, not one of them could satisfy this basic requirement.
Senator Bourse: And what is that requirement?
First Clerk Gerard: Being able to count your fingers.
Senator Bourse: Not one of them could count their fingers?
First Clerk Gerard: I’m afraid not. The Heir Apparent failed the examination completely. In fact, he dropped dead from the strain. We sought to test the other boys of the royal family, but the little rascals had all burned to death in the great fire which destroyed the royal palace because they were playing with matches. We had hopes for the distaff members of the family, but the clumsy girls had apparently cut off their fingers in a series of kitchen accidents just before the fire. An unfortunate coincidence, since it’s possible that one of them might have been able to count her fingers, if they’d had any left. In fact, it seems certain that at least one of the princesses would have passed the test. For would you believe that, after we placed the girls in the care of the Abbess of the Convent of the Ladies in Peace, the clever little hoydens managed—even without fingers!—to hang themselves.
Senator Bourse: All of them?
First Clerk Gerard: Every last one. Distressed, no doubt, at the untimely death of their brothers. It was at that point that the Council decided we had no choice but to replace the kingdom with a new provisional government. At each step of the process, I should like to say, we consulted closely with the leaders of the Armed Forces and the Ecclesiarchy, as well, it goes without saying, as the Ozarean Consul and the Regional Vice-President of the Consortium. I might also mention that we were greatly assisted in this difficult time by the energetic efforts of your—ah—representative, Rupert Inkman.
Senator Bourse: Well, this is certainly encouraging. And what is the name of your new government?
First Clerk Gerard: Attila the Junta.
Senator Bourse: Most reassuring, most reassuring! I believe I speak for every member of the Committee here. (Cries of “Quite right” and “Hear, Hear!”) Indeed, if I may—
Chairman Whelm: Pardon my interruption, esteemed colleague, but I would like to get on with the business at hand, which is the investigation of the knavish sorcerer Zulkeh. I believe that First Clerk Gerard has more than satisfied the Committee’s concern regarding his reliability as a witness? (Cries of “Quite right!” and “Hear, hear!”)
Senator Bourse: I stand corrected and yield the floor. Will the Puissant Chairman continue the investigation?
Senator Whelm: I thank the esteemed Senator from the Imperial Democratic Party. First Clerk Gerard, as I understand it, the unfortunate train of events which led to the demise of the Kingdom of Goimr was set in motion by this sorcerer, Zulkeh of Goimr?
First Clerk Gerard: Quite so, Honorable Chairman. The wizard Zulkeh was summoned to the palace at the request of the King, whose peace of mind had been disturbed by a ridiculous dream. I instructed this so-called wizard, in no uncertain terms, to quiet the King’s fears. Instead this fiend, seeing in the King’s unstable frame of mind a chance to strike a mortal blow at the tranquility of the Realm, chose to interpret the King’s dream in such a way as to inflame His Majesty’s morbid temperament to the point of madness.