The wizard positively spluttered. But the strumpet was unabashed.
“Yeah, he got me thrown out of the University for—and I quote—’gross and licentious behavior.’ Himself, of course, oh, and he was the darling of the deans—’an unfortunate lapse,’ they called it, ‘but quickly rectified by the honest and timely confession of the fundamentally sound and sterling-charactered apprentice Zulkeh.'” She laughed. “Yeah, but it was just as well. God knows what I’d be like today if I’d stayed in the University!”
She sneered. “And as for you, Zulkeh, you ought to thank me! Probably the last time you got laid, am I right?”
The wizard’s answer to this horrendously indelicate question will forever remain unknown, for at that very moment did the salamander leap from Magrit’s shoulder, scurry across the room, and flash beneath Zulkeh’s robe. A moment later, the wizard was hopping wildly about, scrabbling in his garment. The salamander had, it appeared, attained to the mage’s private parts.
“Out! Out! Out, vile beast!” cried Zulkeh. “Out, I say! Out!”
In a flash, the salamander emerged and scurried back across the room, coming to rest by Magrit’s foot.
“Must be true, Magrit,” announced the little monster. “He’s got wizard’s whang. Most advanced case I ever saw.”
The witch snorted. “Don’t surprise me! As a kid, he had ‘prentice’s pecker. Most advanced case I ever saw.”
Suddenly the tiny horror darted across the room again and disappeared up Shelyid’s trousers. And now it was the dwarf who hopped wildly about, scrabbling in his garment. The salamander had, it appeared, attained to the gnome’s private parts. A moment later, the foul little beast reappeared and scurried back to Magrit’s foot. It peered at Shelyid quizzically, its head cocked.
“Well?” This from Magrit.
“Kid’s in the wrong line of business,” pronounced the creature.
“Fie upon this monstrous incivility!” oathed Zulkeh. “Madame, you abuse your guests in a most unseemly manner!”
“Guests?” demanded Magrit. “What guests? The only guests here are Greyboar and Ignace.” She looked to the giant and his tiny companion. “Have you been abused?”
“Not at all,” rumbled the giant.
“You’ve been a most gracious hostess,” concurred the other. “Of course,” he added, “we still have to do a job for you, you’ve made that clear often enough.”
The witch glared at the midget. “I know, I know,” he said hastily, ” ‘no freebies from Magrit.’ ”
“Not for you, that’s for sure,” snorted the witch. She turned back to Zulkeh.
“So much for that! Let me remind you, you old fart, that I didn’t invite you here in the first place. You crashed the party. And you didn’t even so much as come straight to the front door. Not the great wizard Zulkeh! Didn’t the sixth give you perfectly clear directions last night? But no! The magnificent mage has to go crawling through sewers and creeping through cellars.”
She glared at the wizard. For his part, Zulkeh coughed in his throat, somewhat nonplussed by this—alas, it must be admitted—not untruthful charge.
“What’s the matter,” demanded the hellhag, “cat got your tongue?” She fixed Shelyid with her malevolent gaze. “You tell us, shorty! Am I right, or not? Didn’t the old fart waste half the day down there? Probably kept telling you”— here the obscene ogress dropped her voice an octave—” ‘the utmost shrewdery and stealth! the utmost sagacity and cunning! the utmost trickery and maneuver!’ ”
Shelyid coughed, somewhat nonplussed by this—alas, it must be admitted—not altogether inaccurate description.
“Thought so!” snorted the witch. “And what’s your name, anyway?”
“Shelyid, ma’am,” replied the dwarf timidly.
“Don’t call me ‘ma’am’!” barked Magrit. “Silly title! Magrit’s the name. People wanting to be respectful call me ‘the proper witch.’ If I’m in a good mood you can call me ‘the old bag,’ or ‘the salacious crone,’ or ‘the horrible harridan,’ or—oh hell, any one of a thousand things I’ve been called.” She fixed Shelyid with a piercing eye. “But I warn you, at the moment I’m not in a good mood.”
“Yes, m—uh, Magrit,” stammered the dwarf.
“Well?” demanded Magrit. “Speak up, Shelyid! Am I right or what?”
The apprentice furrowed his brow. “Well, pretty much. I mean, the master didn’t actually—”
“Silence, dwarf!” Zulkeh glowered at his apprentice. “What means this craven toadying to the witch’s impudent interrogation? Be silent, I command you!”