Senator Arbeitmachtfrei: Treason! Treason! If you think for a minute we’ll put up with gold made out of dwarf shit, you’re—
Senator Sahib: Shut up, you clown! When we need you, moron, we’ll call on you. You stupid jackass, gold already comes from dwarf shit, or the nearest thing to it. Everybody knows that all the gold mines are already worked by dwarves. Never let the scummy little bastards up after they’re sent down, of course, they’d steal you blind if you did. So they’re already down there digging up the gold and crapping all over the place. They shit quite regularly, you know, once, sometimes twice a day. So what? That’s why we have processing plants. Personally, I think Senator Patellarasa’s hit on something here. (Cries of “Quite right!” and “Hear, hear!”) Esteemed colleagues, I move we adopt a multipartisan solution to the problem. Our policy: First, underwrite a top-priority crash program to discover the secret of dwarf-gold production. Second, shackle the lazy little crappers to the toilet bowls!
Chairman Whelm: Colleagues, what is your pleasure? (Senator Arbeitmachtfrei votes against the motion; all others vote in favor.) Colleagues of the Committee, I have but one thing to add to the motion which we just adopted. I believe it goes without saying that, in addition to the steps adopted, we must place a top priority on the quickest possible apprehension of the suspect Zulkeh and his dwarven accomplice. (Cries of “Quite right!” and “Hear, hear!”) All in favor? (The motion passes unanimously.) Excellent! The Angel Jimmy Jesus, you are hereby invested by this Committee with the fullest authorization to deepen and expand your manhunt for the selfsame miscreant and all who might aid or abet him.
The Angel Jimmy Jesus: At your service, sir.
Chairman Whelm: Well, then! Esteemed colleagues, I believe we’ve done another good day’s work. I hereby declare this session of the Committee—
Senator Bourse: One moment, please! Puissant Chairman, there is one last item of business I would like to take up.
Chairman Whelm: And what is that?
Senator Bourse: I believe the Committee is entitled to hear a report from the Angel Jimmy Jesus concerning the current situation with the Rap Sheet in Grotum. (Many cries of “Quite right!” and “Hear! Hear!”)
Chairman Whelm: Well, I’m not sure—imperial security—
Senator Bourse: Puissant Chairman, I must insist! The decision to send the Rap Sheet to Grotum was hotly debated in this very chamber. The final vote was not unanimous, even despite the great pressure from the Nabobs. Indeed, had the Director of Companies not been so insistent I would have voted against the proposal myself. At the very least, therefore, I believe this Committee is entitled to a report as to the current status of the project.
Chairman Whelm: Very well. The Angel Jimmy Jesus, can you inform the Committee with regard to the point raised by Senator Bourse?
The Angel Jimmy Jesus: Certainly, sir. Pursuant to the authorization given by this body, I immediately organized the dispatch of our third Rap Sheet to Prygg, under the direct supervision of one of my most capable and trusted lieutenants, Rupert Inkman. (Cries of “O fell and mighty operative!” and “The savior of the Rellenos!” fill the chamber.) Agent Inkman reports that the Rap Sheet is in position and we are on the verge of launching our final campaign to destroy the revolutionary movement throughout Grotum. Indeed, the announcement of the campaign will be made very soon, at the culmination of the festivities surrounding the upcoming wedding of the Princess Snuffy and the Honorable Anthwerp Freckenrizzle III. It seemed to Agent Inkman and myself that this social occasion, embodying as it does the unity in action of Ozarae and Prygg, was the perfect occasion for making public our plans. Needless to say, all police and military forces throughout Grotum are now on full alert status and will throw themselves into action at the stroke of midnight, October 31, simultaneously with the public announcement of the campaign. (Cries of “Bravo!” and “O shrewd stroke!”) I might add that the fact that our campaign will begin on Halloween has the additional advantage of making full use of the well-known superstitious proclivities of the Groutch masses.