they said.
So Joe invented cops.
But one day Joe was loping along
and the bosses and cops came up to him.
We’ve got to have some cover,
So the people’ll stop calling us hogs,
they said.
So Joe invented priests.
But one day Joe was loping along,
and all the priests came up to him.
We’ve almost got everything perfect,
But we still need that last big push,
they said.
So Joe invented God.
But one day Joe was loping along,
and God came up to him.
Ever since you invented Me,
you’re nothing but a dangerous nuisance,
He said.
So God froze Joe in a flash ice age.
” ‘How fascinating!’ exclaimed La Contessa. ‘A crude verse,’ grumbled Il Conde, ‘utterly lacking in rhyme or cultured meter.’ The wizard shrugged. ‘As to that, milord, ’tis true enough. But what would you? The savages of the Sssuj are well known to be bestial. Think of the ingratitude with which they have greeted all attempts to bring the benefits of civilization into their midst—merchants and traders broiled and baked—entire armies tossed into the stew pot! And what of the fate of Father Cosmo?—too horrid to contemplate!'”
“Oh, Mrs. Lang—” whispered the Director of Companies; Barley coughed—hurried on—
“Silence followed; the coach clattered and battered down the path—the natural darkness of the forest deepened; twilight drew near; then, just as the last rays of the sun flickered out like emblems of hope snuffed by an immutable fate, we burst out of the forest gloom; a great interminable plain stretched before us—barren beyond belief, but it was a welcome relief from the Grimwald—a cheer went up.
“The coach continued its mad pace down the road, which seemed now to have straightened to an unswerving line, as if drawn by a great rule for an obscure purpose. Suddenly—it was dark now—we stopped; no inn was to be seen. Perhaps, I thought, it is a ways off down the road—it was impossible now to see more than a few feet. But it wasn’t so; the driver clambered down, came to the window; ‘might’s well get some sleep,’ he said. ‘There’s no hostel in these parts—not till we get to the Caravanserai tomorrow; you’ll have to sleep in the coach.’
” ‘What about our evening repast?’ demanded the knight. ‘Dunno,’ replied the driver indifferently. ‘Brought m’own.’ He vanished into the darkness. ‘Insolence!’ bellowed Sir Carayne; he turned fiercely on the messenger. ‘You, sirrah! You are an agent of this company—what is the meaning of this outrage?’
“The messenger looked up from his case, now open on his knees; a small sandwich in his hands—clearly he had traveled this route before! ‘The GGNESW etc. is in no way at fault,’ he sneered. ‘You have no grounds for complaint. Shelter is provided by the stout walls of this coach’—not without humor, this man, I now perceived—’and, as for food, you should have thought upon it earlier and brought your own, as I have done; failing that, nothing prevents you from foraging—though, I should tell you, they do not call this region the Drear for nothing.’
“The messenger ate his meal in silence; the rest of us, grumbling, settled down to sleep. There was nothing to be gained by blundering about a pitch-black wilderness hunting for rabbits—so much was clear.
“We set out at dawn the next morning. There was still a long day’s journey before us if we were to reach the Caravanserai by nightfall. As the sun rose, we gazed over this new stretch of territory.
“What a cursed wasteland! I still shiver to think of it; behind, on the horizon, the dark mass of the Grimwald could be seen for some little while—ugly as it was, I was almost sorry to see it slip out of sight. Now nothing surrounded us but the Drear. The Drear! Never, I think, have I seen a place so aptly named! Nothing; nothing-ness—that’s it! It was the most barren desert conceivable, inscrutable in its immensity, but without the searing heat that makes most deserts such a reassuringly palpable experience. Parallels everywhere, the land and the sky, the four points of the compass—a sameness!—to all points and every place between stretched this flat—utterly flat!—spread of naked soil. Hard, crusted dirt; nothing else—quite literally, nothing else; and gray!—not brown; can you imagine that? Gray soil, not brown soil—inscrutable, unknowable—of course, no trees!—but neither was there vegetation of any kind; not a bush, not a shrub, not a flower, not a weed, not a blade of grass. Even the soil itself was of that same opaque uniformity; upon that vast plain not a rock stood higher than a clot of earth.