The Angel Jimmy Jesus: Butchered like sheep.
First Clerk Gerard: All of them?
The Angel Jimmy Jesus: Does a pack of wolves spare the littlest lamb of the flock?
First Clerk Gerard: O horror! O murder most foul! (Hubbub and uproar. Chairman Whelm gavels ferociously. Order is restored.)
Chairman Whelm: First Clerk Gerard, the entire Committee is in deepest sympathy with your distress. At the same time, it is essential that we press on, precisely in order to bring this criminal to justice in the swiftest manner. With that in mind, I would like the Angel Jimmy Jesus to continue his testimony.
The Angel Jimmy Jesus: Certainly, sir. In the interests of that selfsame swift justice, let me wrap up this well-nigh endless list of crimes with the latest and most heinous depredation of the suspect—nothing less than debasement of the currency. (Tremendous uproar in the chamber. Chairman Whelm pounds his gavel many, many, many times. Order is restored.)
Chairman Whelm: Do I understand you to say that the suspect is guilty of counterfeiting?
The Angel Jimmy Jesus: With all due respect, Puissant Chairman, it is difficult to give a precise answer to your question. We find ourselves here in a gray area of the law. I did not state, you will perhaps notice, that the suspect has engaged in counterfeiting. I stated that he was guilty of debasing the currency. Our legal experts are even now working night and day to determine if actual counterfeiting, as covered by the various statutes of Ozarae or any of the countries of Grotum, can be charged as well. The matter remains unclear.
Chairman Whelm: I admit to being a bit confused. Did, or did not, the suspect pass bad money?
The Angel Jimmy Jesus: The question cannot be answered so simply, sir. The suspect purchased a number of services and goods from various subsidiaries of the Consortium, which he paid for by presenting gold tender. Our suspicions became aroused after we noticed that, on every occasion, this gold tender was presented in the form of oddly-shaped ingots. The gold was then subjected to careful examination by our best experts.
Chairman Whelm: And the result? Was it real gold?
The Angel Jimmy Jesus: In its content, the gold proved on every occasion to consist of pure, twenty-four-carat gold.
Chairman Whelm: Wherein, then, lies the debasement of the currency? I must say, the Angel Jimmy Jesus, it seems to me that, in your admirable efforts to apprehend this rogue, you are here adding a rather flimsy charge to what is already a long list of capital crimes.
The Angel Jimmy Jesus: I understand your point, sir, but as I hope to make clear, it is our suspicion that the suspect is in fact engaged in a crime of monstrous proportions, so monstrous that it has as yet no name in the statute books. For our experts pursued the matter further and examined the external form of the ingots, with a particular eye to determining the method of casting involved. As you may know, the Consortium retains a legal monopoly throughout Grotum on all casting, smelting or forging of gold bullion. It was thus our thought that the suspect might be guilty of illegal gold-casting, if not of actual counterfeiting.
Chairman Whelm: I see! And your investigation showed that the suspect is running an illegal gold-casting operation?
The Angel Jimmy Jesus: I regret to say that it is not so simple, sir. The statutes specifically forbid the unauthorized casting, smelting or forging of gold. The gold distributed by the suspect, however, was procured by a hitherto unknown method, which, I am sorry to say, is not forbidden by any statute.
Chairman Whelm: A new method of making gold? What is it?
The Angel Jimmy Jesus: Transmutation, sir. Transmutation. (Stupendous hubbub explodes in the chamber. Chairman Whelm pounds his gavel innumerable times. Order is restored.)
Chairman Whelm: Indeed! Well, I must say this is most irregular. I can assure you that my colleagues and I will see to it that statutes are passed which regulate this new method of gold-making, placing it in authorized and responsible hands. But until such statutes are on the books, I must tell you that with the best will in the world I cannot see the validity of your charge that the suspect is debasing the currency. After all, gold is gold. As the old saying goes, gold has neither lineage nor need of one. It is purity itself.