The Angel Jimmy Jesus: Precisely, sir! And there lies the villain’s depravity! For he has struck at the very linchpin of modern civilization—the purity of gold.
Senator Sahib: Mr. Chairman! Mr. Chairman! It is imperative that I be given the floor!
Chairman Whelm: The Chair recognizes the Senator from the No-Bullshit Imperialist Party.
Senator Sahib: Thank you. Puissant Chairman, I must insist that the Committee go into closed session. All guests and visitors must be removed, with the exception, of course, of our witnesses. (Senator Bourse seconds the motion.)
Chairman Whelm: All in favor? (The Committee votes overwhelmingly for the motion.) Sergeant-at-arms, clear the room. (The room is cleared.)
Senator Sahib: Let me explain to the august Senators of our Committee that I insisted on closing this session in order to forestall public panic. I believe I have grasped the essence of the Angel Jimmy Jesus’ testimony. And if my surmise is correct, then I agree completely with the esteemed Director that we are faced with an unprecedented threat to the security and well-being of our glorious empire. With your permission, Mr. Chairman, may I conduct the further questioning of the witness?
Chairman Whelm: Certainly.
Senator Sahib: Thank you. The Angel Jimmy Jesus, a question has remained unasked. You have stated that the suspect has created gold through transmutation—that is to say, by the magical transformation of something else into the noblest of God’s substances.
The Angel Jimmy Jesus: Yes, sir.
Senator Sahib: And what was that something else out of which the gold was transformed?
The Angel Jimmy Jesus: Dwarf shit.
Senator Sahib: I beg your pardon?
The Angel Jimmy Jesus: Dwarf shit.
Senator Bourse: Not regular shit? I mean, normal people shit?
The Angel Jimmy Jesus: Dwarf shit. (Stupefying hubbub erupts in the chamber. Chairman Whelm pounds his gavel an innumerable number of times.)
Chairman Whelm: Order! Order! Order! Order! (Order is restored.). Senator Sahib, I give you back the floor.
Senator Sahib: Thank you, Mr. Chairman. The Angel Jimmy Jesus, I now require the answer to several questions. First, how much of this—tainted—gold has been placed into circulation?
The Angel Jimmy Jesus: It is difficult to say, Senator. We first became aware of the situation but recently. Over a considerable period, the suspect has remained at large, along with his dwarf accomplice, and has pursued activities which do not appear to have been restricted in any way by lack of funds. Given that dwarves shit quite regularly, once, sometimes twice a day, we can only conclude that a large amount of this, as you aptly put it, tainted gold is now in general circulation. I might also add that, given the velocity of modern currency exchange, it is well-nigh certain that at least some of this gold has long since departed Grotum and is to be found here in the Ozarine heartland as well.
Senator Sahib: My second question, then: Is there any way to distinguish this horrid dwarf gold from normal gold, once it has been turned into coinage and has entered the global monetary system?
The Angel Jimmy Jesus: No, Senator, there is not.
Senator Sahib: I feared as much. My third question: Has either your Commission or the Consortium managed to discover the exact process whereby this dwarf gold is produced?
The Angel Jimmy Jesus: No, Senator, we have not.
Senator Sahib: Have you attempted to do so?
The Angel Jimmy Jesus: Certainly. In fact, we’ve given it top priority. We have established a special secret laboratory—far removed from any population centers, needless to say—which is working night and day to discover the technique. Pursuant to that end, we have obtained a sizable number of dwarves and have subjected their defecatory products to exhaustive and rigorous scientific examination.
Senator Sahib: And the result?
The Angel Jimmy Jesus: We’ve got a lot of dwarf shit on our hands.
Senator Sahib: My fears deepen by the minute. I assume, since you have been unable to determine the method by which this dwarf gold is produced, that you have also been unable to determine anything else about its properties.
The Angel Jimmy Jesus: That is correct, sir.
Senator Sahib: I tremble for the State. My last question: How long will this dwarf gold remain in that form? Do we have any reason to believe, based on solid scientific data, that this dwarf gold will not, at some uncertain future date, suddenly transform itself back into dwarf shit?