“Oh yes, master!” cried Shelyid.
“Nevertheless,” continued Zulkeh, “it is apparent, from the standpoint of the higher reason, that St. Quinine’s contribution to the study of gravity is nought but a diversion. Even so, infinitely more sublime was Quinine’s thinking to that of his historical successor, whose advent was but another symptom of the sad decline of science in the modern world.
“For know, Shelyid, that the most significant figure following Quinine to treat of this question—significant not, as I shall in a moment expose, for his contribution, but for the vulgar popularity which it has received among the plebeians—was Oldgram. Sir Oldgram, for such was he titled in the barbarous land whence he originated, invented what he pompously called the Law of Gravity, thereby arrogating to himself, before his time and without reason, an honor which is properly mine. This law, or rather, ‘law’ so-called (for it is nothing of the sort), states the following impudent proposition: to wit, that objects attract each other in direct proportion to their mass and in inverse proportion to their distance.
“This imbecility has long since swept the modern world, and it grieves me to relate that the Law of Gravity is today considered synonymous with the name of Oldgram. Yet so far from representing an advance of science, much less the formulation of an actual Law (most sublime of Theses), this outrage to all reason has rather dragged the level of scientific thought far below the stage earlier attained by Disquo, even in ancient times.
“For look you, gnome, what is the purpose of science?” demanded the wizard.
“I d-don’t know, master,” stammered Shelyid.
“An excellent response,” spoke the wizard, patting the dwarf’s head. “For it is only mete that a lowly apprentice should first learn science, then the higher truth of which it is the expression, and only at the last its purpose. But I will open up a small portion of this secret to your understanding.”
Here Zulkeh struck a solemn pose. “The purpose of science, Shelyid, is to answer the question Why? Is this clear?”
“Oh yes, master!” cried Shelyid, pleased to be asked the normal question.
“With this understood, it is immediately apparent that Oldgram’s proposition is sheer effrontery. Does Oldgram explain why objects rest where they do? By no means! He merely correlates the relationship of all objects to each other according to some crude ratio evident to the base senses.
“We may thus dismiss Oldgram as an importunate impostor, a parasitic empiricist, a flea upon the body of science. To the question ‘why do objects rest where they do?’ Disquo had already answered correctly—’because they belong there.’ Neither the necessities of Religion nor the jackanapes of Oldgram have advanced the study a single inch beyond. It was left to me, and to me alone, to unravel the riddle. And this I have done according to that mode of subtle reasoning which is my wont and habitude. Is this clear, dwarf?”
“Oh yes, master!” cried Shelyid instantly, for this was a question whose answer he had long since mastered.
“Excellent. To the question ‘why do all objects rest where they belong?’ or, to phrase it differently: ‘why do all objects obey the Law of Gravity?’ (properly so named only by myself) I have provided the following astonishing insight—because all objects contain graveness. Yes, Shelyid, graveness, the illusive essence of gravity which has hitherto escaped the ken of all mankind save myself.
“And thus we have it, Shelyid. The Law of Gravity, the true Law of Gravity discovered first—and so far only, I might add—by myself. The Law may be stated as follows: Objects come to rest where they do because all objects contain greater or lesser amounts of graveness and hence gravitate downward to the precise degree determined by the quantity of graveness present within them.
“Immediately we see that this keen postulate not only brings the problem of gravity into full accord with all rational cosmography, but sheds as well a broad beam of light upon the most diverse questions hitherto unanswered. To give just one example, from the field of ethnology: why, Shelyid, is it the custom to bury the dead?”
“I d-don’t know, master,” stammered the dwarf.