anything.’
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`Oh, yes, I am. I would not dare be alone on 12th Street at night. But afraid of sex
and loving? No, not anything I can think of. So help yourself, my darling. If I know
how, I’ll do it. If I don’t, show me and I’ll try.’ (Theodore, stop talking and take
me!)
‘This seat is narrow.’
‘I hear that the young people take out the back seat and put it on the ground. There
is a robe in the back seat, too.’
‘Um, yes.’
We got out of his car – and ran into the most confounded Keystone Kops contretemps I
have ever experienced.
Woodrow.
My favourite, Woodrow, whom I could happily have throttled at that, moment, was in
the back seat, and woke up as I opened the door. Well, I think be woke up; he may
have been awake and listening the whole time – memorising any words he did not know,
for later investigation – and blackmail.
Oh, that boy! Would the world let him grow up? I wondered.
But what I said, in my happiest voice, was: `Woodrow, you’re a scamp! Sergeant
Theodore! See who was sleeping in the back seat’ I reached behind me and tried to
button Tbeodore’s breeches.
‘Sergeant Ted promised to take me to Electric Park!’
So we went to Electric Park, thoroughly chaperoned.
I wonder if other women have as much trouble getting themselves ‘ruined’ as I do?
About twenty hours later I was in my own bed, my husband Captain Brian Smith on my
right, my lover Captain Lazarus Long on my left. Each had an arm under my neck, each
was using his free hand to caress me.
I was saying, ‘Brian beloved, when Lazarus completed the ritual by answering, “But
not ‘While the Evil Days Come Not’,” I almost fainted. When he said that he was
descended from me – from us, you and me – from all three of us, you and me and
Woodrow – I was convinced that I was losing my mind. Or had lost it.’
Briney tickled my right nipple. ‘Don’t worry about it, Swivel Hips; on a woman it
hardly shows. As long as she can still cook. Hey! Stop that.’
I eased up on him. ‘Sissy. I didn’t do that very hard.’
‘I’m in a weakened condition. Captain Long, as I understand it, you decided to
reveal yourself – against your own best interests I believe – in order to tell me
that I won’t get hurt in this war.’
`No, Captain, not that at all.’
Briney sounded puzzled. `I must confess that I don’t understand.’
‘I revealed that I am a Howard from the future in order to reassure Mrs Smith. She’s
been worrying herself sick that you might not come back. So I told her that I was
certain that you did come back. Since you are one of my direct ancestors, I studied
your biographical résumé before I left Boondock. So I knew.’
‘Well… I appreciate your motives; Maureen is my treasure. But it is reassuring to
me, too.’
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‘Excuse me, Captain Smith. I did not say that you won’t get hurt in this war.’
`Eh? But you just did. So I thought.’
`No, sir. I said that you will come back. You will. But I did not say that you won’t
get hurt. The Archives in Boondock are silent on that point. You may lose an arm. Or
a leg. Or your eyes. Or even become a basket case; I don’t know. I’m sure of just
this much: you will live through it and won’t lose your testicles and penis, because
the Archives show that you two have several more children. Ones you will sire after
you come back from France. You see, Captain, the Howard Family Archives are mostly
genealogies, with few details otherwise.’
`Captain Long -‘
‘Better call me “Bronson”, sir. Here I’m a staff sergeant; my ship is light-years
away and far in the future.’
`Then knock off calling me “Captain” for Pete’s sake. I’m Brian; you’re Lazarus.’
‘Or Ted. Your children call me Uncle Ted or Sergeant Ted. Calling me Lazarus could