Another pause. ‘Caesar Augustus Escort Service, serving all tastes. Do I understand
that one of our gentleman companions died in your bed?’
‘I don’t know who he is; I just know that he’s dead. Who takes care of such things?
Room service? Garbage removal? House physician? And I want the sheets changed, too.’
This time they gave me background music while I waited… and waited – through the
first two operas of the Ring Cyde and well into the third.
‘Accounting and bookkeeping, our Mister Munster speaking. That room was not rented
for double occupancy. There will be an additional -‘
‘Look, buster, it’s a corpse. I don’t think a corpse counts toward “double
occupancy”. Blood is dripping off the bed and on to your rug. If you don’t get
somebody up here right away, that rug will be ruined.’
‘There will be a charge for damage to the rug. That is more than normal wear and
tear.’
‘Grrr!’
‘I beg your pardon?’
‘I am about to set fire to the drapes?
‘You’re wasting your time; those drapes are fireproof. But your threat has been
recorded. Under the Rooming House Act, section seven dee -‘
‘Get this dead man out of here!’
‘Please hold. I’ll connect you with the head porter.’
‘You do and I’ll shoot him as he comes through the door. I bite. I scratch. I’m
foaming at the mouth. I haven’t had my shots.’
‘Madam, please contain yourself. We pride ourselves on -‘
‘And then I’ll come down to your office and find you, Mister monster Munster, and
pull you out of your chair and sit down in it myself and turn you over my knee and
take your pants down and… Did I mention that I am from Hercules Gamma? Two and a
half gravities surface acceleration; we eat your sort for lunch. So stay where you
are; don’t make me have to hunt for you.’
‘Madam, I regret that I must tell you that you cannot sit in my chair.’
‘Want to bet?’
‘I do not Nave a chair; I am securely bolted to the floor. And now I must bid you
good day and turn you over to our security force. You will find the additional
charges on your statement of account. Enjoy your stay with us.’
They showed up too quickly; I was still eyeing those fireproof drapes, wondering if
I could do as well with them as Scarlet O’Hara had with the drapes at Tara, or could
I arrange a simple toga, like Eunice in The Last Days of Pompeii (or was she in Quo
Vadis?), when they arrived: a house doc, a house dick, and a house ape, the last
with a cart. Several more oddments crowded in after them, until we had enough to
choose sides.
I need not have worried about being naked; no one seemed to notice… which irked
me. Gentlemen should at least leer. And a wolf whistle or other applause would not
be out of place. Anything less makes a woman feel unsure of herself.
(Perhaps I am too sensitive. But since my sesquicentennial I have been disposed to
check the mirror each morning, wondering.)
Page 4
Heinlein, Robert A – To Sail Beyond the Sunset.txt
There was only one woman in this mob of intruders. She looked at me and sniffed,
which made me feel better.
Then I recalled something. When I was twelve, my father told me that I was going to
have lots of trouble with men. I said, `Father, you are out of your veering mind.
I’m not pretty. The boys don’t even throw snowballs at me.’
‘A little respect, please. No, you aren’t pretty. It’s the way you smell, my darling
daughter. You are going to have to bathe oftener . . . or some warm night you will
wind up raped and murdered.’
‘Why, I bathe every week! You know I do.’
‘In your case, that’s not enough. Mark my words.’
I did mark his words and learned that Father knew what he was talking about. My body
odour when I’m well and happy is much like that of a cat in heat. But today I was
not happy. First that dead man scared me and then those bleeping machines made me