But the insult direct is still better. Which I handed that snapping turtle by
ignoring her question and telling her next time to bathe before she comes to see me,
as I found her personal hygiene to be less than adequate. She was not pleased.’ He
smiled. ‘She may be so angry that she will switch to Dr Chadwick. One may hope.’
`One may. So somebody saw us go up. Well, sir, they did not actually see us doing
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it’ I told Father about the box heavy with weights. ‘Spectators would have to have
been in a balloon.’
‘I would say so. Safe enough if not very comfortable. I wish I could extend to you
the courtesy of the sofa… but I can’t, until you take up the Howard option. If you
do. In the meantime let’s think about it. Safe places.’
`Yes, sir. Thank you. What I can’t figure out is this: we trimmed the trip to Butler
short, in order to conceal the time used up in unscheduled activity. I’ve been
figuring times and differences in my head. Cher papa, unless my arithmetic is wrong
-‘
`It never is.’
‘Whoever spotted us climbing up into my hideaway must then have proceeded at a fast
trot to the Altschuler place, reported my sins, then the Ugly Duchess must have been
already dressed, with her buggy hitched and ready, to hurry over to sec you. When
did she show up?’
`Let me see. When she arrived, three patients were waiting. I made her wait her
turn… so she carne in already angry. I sent her out boiling mad. Hmm… she must
have arrived at least an hour before you showed up and bumped into her coming out.’
‘Father, it won’t work. Physically impossible. Unless she herself was at the
fairgrounds, then drove straight to our house on the pretence of needing to see
you.’
`That’s possible. Quite unlikely. But, Maureen, you Nave just encountered a
phenomenon that you will see again and again all your life after this red-letter
day: the only thing known to science faster than the speed of light is Mrs Grundy’s
gossip.’
‘I guess so.’
‘I know so. When yon next encounter it, how will you handle it? Do you have that in
your commandments?’
`Uh, no.’
‘Think about it. How will you defend yourself?’
I thought about it for the next half-mile. ‘I won’t’
‘Won’t what?’
`I won’t defend myself against gossip; I will ignore it. At most I will look her –
or him – in the eye and state loudly, “You are a filthy-minded liar.” But it’s
usually best to ignore it entirely. I think.’
‘I think so, too. People of that sort want to be noticed. The cruellest thing you
can do to them is to behave as if they did not exist.’
During the remaining half of 1897 I ignored Mrs Grundy while trying to avoid being
noticed by her. My public persona was straight out of Louisa M. Alcott while in
private I tried to learn more about this amazing new art I don’t mean to imply that
I spent much time on my back, sweating away for the mutual pleasure of Maureen and
His Name Is Legion. Not in Lyle County, not in 1897. Too hard to find a place to do
it!
‘Conscience is that little voice that tells you that someone may be watching.’ (Anon
and op. cit.)
And there was the problem of a satisfactory partner. Charles was a nice boy and I
did offer him that encore, and even a third try at it for good measure. The second
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and third attempts were more comfortable but even less exciting – cold mush without
sorghum and cream.
So after the third one I told Charles that someone had seen us on top of Marston
Hill and had told one of my sisters… and a good thing that it hadn’t been one of
my brothers, because I had been able to cool things down with my sister. But he and
I had better act as if we had quarrelled… or next time the word might get all the