I kept my ears open and my mouth closed. Darling, I’ll love that bed when it’s
built… and in the meantime I’ll be happy with any reasonably level place or even a
pile of coal if Briney puts me on it.’
‘Go along with you. Next picture.’
‘Then quit teasing my right nipple. Young man masturbating, his daydreams in the
background. Father strongly approves of masturbation. He said that all the stories
about it were nonsense. He urged me to masturbate all I want to and whenever I want
to, all my life, and to be no more ashamed of it than I am of peeing – just close
the door, as I do when peeing.
‘They told me that it would make me go blind. But it didn’t. Next.’
‘He’s an “irrumator” and she is a “fellatrix” and that’s Vesuvius in the background.
Only Father says that those names are silly; it’s just two youngsters discovering
that sex can be fun. He pointed out that not only is it fun for both of them but
also there is a major advantage. If she discovers that it smells bad, she can
suddenly remember that it’s bedtime; goodnight, Bill – and, no, I can’t see you next
Saturday. Don’t come back at all; I’m entering a nunnery. Briney, I’ve done that –
tossed a boy out because I didn’t like the way his penis smelled. One was a Howard
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candidate. Phew! Father told me that a penis that smelled bad was not necessarily
diseased, but that was the way to bet… and in any case if it wasn’t sweet enough
to kiss, it wasn’t sweet enough to put inside me.’
I moved on to the next one. `Same situation, comme ci instead of comme ça.
Cunnilingus. Another silly word, says Father; it’s just a kiss. The sweetest kiss of
all… unless you combine this one with the one we just looked ar, to make a
sixty-nine. Soixante-neuf. Although there is much to be said for taking the two
sorts of kisses at one rime, and concentrate.’
I turned the page. `Oh, oh! Here’s one that Father did not care for.’
`Me, too. I prefer girls.’
‘Yes, but you can do it to a woman, too. Father said that some day some man was
going to want to do that to me… and that I should think about it ahead of time and
be prepared to cope with it. He said that it was not immoral, or wrong, but that it
was dirty and physically risky -‘
(This was in 1906, long before AIDS showed that buggery could be a special and
deadly hazard.)
`- but that if I got curious and just had to try it, make him use a sheath and get
him to be ultra slow and extra gentle – or I would wind up buying fur coats for
proctologists’ wives.’
`Seems likely. Next, please.’
`Beloved -‘
`Yes, Mo?’
`If you want to do that to me, I’m willing. I’m not in the least afraid that you
would hurt me.’
`Thank you. You’re a silly wench, but I love you. I’m not yet tired of your other
hole. Next picture, please; there are people queued up for the second show.’
`Yes, sir. I think this one is meant to be funny: hushand surprises wife playing
happy games with the housewife next door – look at the expression on his face!
Briney, I had never suspected that a woman could be so much fun until that time Jane
made a grab for me. She’s real cuddly. Or anything.’
`Yes, I know. Or anything. So is Hal. Or anything.’
‘Well! I must have slept through something. This next one – Briney, I can’t see why
women would use dildoes when there are so many live, warm ones around, attached to
men. Do you?’
‘They don’t all have your opportunities, my love. Or your talents.’
`Thank you, sir.’ I moved on. ‘Cunnilingus again, but two women. Briney, why are
mermaids used as a symbol of Lesbos?’
`I don’t know. What did your Father say?’
`Just what you did. Oh, this next one does show something Father disapproves of. He