involve all sorts of explanations.’
I said, ‘Theodore, Father knows you are Lazarus and so do Nancy and Jonathan. And so
will Carol when you take her to bed. You let me tell Nancy when you took her to bed;
my big girls are too close to each other to keep such secrets from each other. So it
seems to me.’
`Maureen, I said that you could tell anyone because you would not be believed.
Nevertheless each case involves long explanations. But why are you assuming that I
am going to take Carol to bed? I did not say that I would. And I have not asked for
that privilege.’
I turned my face to the right. `Briney, do you hear this man? Do you see now why it
has taken me more than a year to trip him? He didn’t offer the slightest objection
to screwing Nancy -‘
Tm not surprised; neither did I.’ My husband leered and licked his lips. `Nancy is
special. I told you.’
‘You’re an old goat, my beloved. I don’t believe you’ve turned down anything female
since you were nine -‘
`Eight.’
`You’re boasting. And untruthful. And Theodore is just as bad. He let me think that
he was willing to satisfy Carols greatest ambition once I cleared it with
headquarters, meaning you… and I did, and then I told Carol not to despair, that
Mama was working on it and it looked hopeful; quite hopeful. And now he acts as if
he had never heard of the idea.’
`But, Maureen, I expected Brian to object. And he has:
‘Now wait a moment, Lazarus. I did not object. Carol is physically a grown woman and
– I have today learned – no longer a virgin… and not surprising; she’s a year
older than her mother was -‘
`More nearly two,’ I put in.
`Shut up, you; I’m pimping for our daughter. All I did was lay down some reasonable
rules for Carol’s protection. Lazarus, you did agree that they were reasonable?’
`Oh, certainly, Captain. I simply refused to accept them. My privilege. Just as it
is your privilege to make them. I have accepted that you do not want me to copulate
with your daughter Carol other than by your rules. That settles it; I won’t touch
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her.’
`Very well, sir!’
`Gentlemen, gentlemen!’ I almost let my voice rise. `You both sound like Woodrow.
What are these rules?’
Theodore said nothing.
Brian answered in a pained voice, ‘First, I asked him to use a rubber. Didn’t matter
with you or Nancy; both of you broads are knocked up. He refused. I then -‘
`Are you surprised, my darling? I’ve often heard you refer to it as “washing your
feet with your socks on”.’
`Yes, but Carol does not need a baby this season. Certainly not a little bastard
before she’s considered her Howard options. But, Mo, I did concede that Ted is
himself a Howard. I simply said that, all right, if Carol got pregnant from giving
him a soldier’s farewell, I wanted him to promise that he would come back when the
war is over and marry Carol and take her and her baby to – What’s that you call your
planet, Captain? Boondock?’
‘Boondock is a city; my home is in its suburbs. The planet is Tellus Tertius, Earth
Number Three.’
I sighed. `Theodore, why wouldn’t you agree to that? You tell us that you have four
wives and three co-husbands. Why wouldn’t you be willing to marry our Carol? She is
a good cook, and she doesn’t eat all that much. And she’s very sweet tempered and
loving.’ I was thinking how dearly I would like to go to Boondock… and marry
Tamara. Not that I ever would; I had Briney and our babies to take care of. But even
an old woman can dream.
Theodore said slowly, `I abide by my own roles, for my own reasons. If Captain Smith
does not trust me with respect to my behaviour toward other people -‘
`Not “other people”, Captain! A particular sixteen-yearold girl named Carol. I am
responsible for her welfare.’
`So you are. I repeat, “other people”, be they sixteen-yearold girls or whosoever.