ever known, greater than Caesar, than Hannibal, than–er–er” (turning to
the father)–“what’s his name?”
The father hesitated, then whispered back: “His name? Well, his name is
Mary Ann.”
COURAGE
At a beefsteak dinner, given by artists, caricaturists, and
humorists of New York City, April 18, 1908, Mr. Clemens, Mr. H.
H. Rogers, and Mr. Patrick McCarren were the guests of honor.
Each wore a white apron, and each made a short speech.
In the matter of courage we all have our limits.
There never was a hero who did not have his bounds. I suppose it may be
said of Nelson and all the others whose courage has been advertised that
there came times in their lives when their bravery knew it had come to
its limit.
I have found mine a good many times. Sometimes this was expected–often
it was unexpected. I know a man who is not afraid to sleep with a
rattlesnake, but you could not get him to sleep with a safety-razor.
I never had the courage to talk across a long, narrow room I should be at
the end of the room facing all the audience. If I attempt to talk across
a room I find myself turning this way and that, and thus at alternate
periods I have part of the audience behind me. You ought never to have
any part of the audience behind you; you never can tell what they are
going to do.
I’ll sit down.
THE DINNER TO MR. CHOATE
AT A DINNER GIVEN IN HONOR OF AMBASSADOR JOSEPH H. CHOATE AT
THE LOTOS CLUB, NOVEMBER 24, 7902
The speakers, among others, were: Senator Depew, William Henry
White, Speaker Thomas Reed, and Mr. Choate. Mr. Clemens spoke,
in part, as follows:
The greatness of this country rests on two anecdotes. The first one is
that of Washington and his hatchet, representing the foundation of true
speaking, which is the characteristic of our people. The second one is
an old one, and I’ve been waiting to hear it to-night; but as nobody has
told it yet, I will tell it.
You’ve heard it before, and you’ll hear it many, many times more. It is
an anecdote of our guest, of the time when he was engaged as a young man
with a gentle Hebrew, in the process of skinning the client. The main
part in that business is the collection of the bill for services in
skinning the man. “Services” is the term used in that craft for the
operation of that kind-diplomatic in its nature.
Choate’s–co-respondent–made out a bill for $500 for his services, so
called. But Choate told him he had better leave the matter to him, and
the next day he collected the bill for the services and handed the Hebrew
$5000, saying, “That’s your half of the loot,” and inducing that
memorable response: “Almost thou persuadest me to be a Christian.”
The deep-thinkers didn’t merely laugh when that happened. They stopped
to think, and said “There’s a rising man. He must be rescued from the
law and consecrated to diplomacy. The commercial advantages of a great
nation lie there in that man’s keeping. We no longer require a man to
take care of our moral character before the world. Washington and his
anecdote have done that. We require a man to take care of our commercial
prosperity.”
Mr. Choate has carried that trait with him, and, as Mr. Carnegie has
said, he has worked like a mole underground.
We see the result when American railroad iron is sold so cheap in England
that the poorest family can have it. He has so beguiled that Cabinet of
England.
He has been spreading the commerce of this nation, and has depressed
English commerce in the same ratio. This was the principle underlying
that anecdote, and the wise men saw it; the principle of give and take–
give one and take ten–the principle of diplomacy.
ON STANLEY AND LIVINGSTONE
Mr. Clemens was entertained at dinner by the Whitefriars’ Club,
London, at the Mitre Tavern, on the evening of August 6, 1872.
In reply to the toast in his honor he said:
GENTLEMEN,–I thank you very heartily indeed for this expression of