courtesy. And when I looked in the door, sure enough he had a Russia
leather case in his hand. But I didn’t happen to notice that it was our
Russia leather case.
And if you’d believe me, that man was sitting with a whole gallery of
etchings spread out before him. But I didn’t happen to notice that they
were our etchings, spread out by some member of my family for some
unguessed purpose.
Very curtly I asked the gentleman his business. With a surprised, timid
manner he faltered that he had met my wife and daughter at Onteora, and
they had asked him to call. Fine lie, I thought, and I froze him.
He seemed to be kind of non-plussed, and sat there fingering the etchings
in the case until I told him he needn’t bother, because we had those.
That pleased him so much that he leaned over, in an embarrassed way, to
pick up another from the floor. But I stopped him. I said, “We’ve got
that, too.” He seemed pitifully amazed, but I was congratulating myself
on my great success.
Finally the gentleman asked where Mr. Winton lived; he’d met him in the
mountains, too. So I said I’d show him gladly. And I did on the spot.
And when he was gone I felt queer, because there were all his etchings
spread out on the floor.
Well, my wife came in and asked me who had been in. I showed her the
card, and told her all exultantly. To my dismay she nearly fainted. She
told me he had been a most kind friend to them in the country, and had
forgotten to tell me that he was expected our way. And she pushed me out
of the door, and commanded me to get over to the Wintons in a hurry and
get him back.
I came into the drawing-room, where Mrs. Winton was sitting up very stiff
in a chair, beating me at my own game. Well, I began, to put another
light on things. Before many seconds Mrs. Winton saw it was time to
change her temperature. In five minutes I had asked the man to luncheon,
and she to dinner, and so on.
We made that fellow change his trip and stay a week, and we gave him the
time of his life. Why, I don’t believe we let him get sober the whole
time.
I trust that you will carry away some good thought from these lessons I
have given you, and that the memory of them will inspire you to higher
things, and elevate you to plans far above the old–and–and–
And I tell you one thing, young ladies: I’ve had a better time with you
to-day than with that peach fifty-three years ago.
QUEEN VICTORIA
ADDRESS TO THE BRITISH SCHOOLS AND UNIVERSITIES CLUB, AT
DELMONICO’S, MONDAY, MAY 25, IN HONOR OF QUEEN VICTORIA’S
BIRTHDAY
Mr. Clemens told the story of his duel with a rival editor: how
he practised firing at a barn door and failed to hit it, but a
friend of his took off the head of a little bird at thirty-five
yards and attributed the shot to Mark twain. The duel did not
take place. Mr. Clemens continued as follows:
It also happened that I was the means of stopping duelling in Nevada, for
a law was passed sending all duellists to jail for two years, and the
Governor, hearing of my marksmanship, said that if he got me I should go
to prison for the full term. That’s why I left Nevada, and I have not
been there since.
You do me a high honor, indeed, in selecting me to speak of my country
in this commemoration of the birthday of that noble lady whose life was
consecrated to the virtues and the humanities and to the promotion of
lofty ideals, and was a model upon which many a humbler life was formed
and made beautiful while she lived, and upon which many such lives will
still be formed in the generations that are to come–a life which finds
its just image in the star which falls out of its place in the sky and
out of existence, but whose light still streams with unfaded lustre