Carlos Castaneda’s Don Juan’s Teachings

R: Well that immediately brought up more old thought of learned expectation about how that is exactly where I need to be to go into the second attention, and then returned the sadness of how I just couldn’t have an authentic thought, and more silence and even a slight feeling of peace to just try and lie there and just be. And little thoughts would come and I’d cry some more for a half second at the returned inauthenticity, and be silent again, and again think I was on the right track (anticipation of 2nd attn.) but wish I hadn’t thought that as I didn’t want to get in the way of it. And I ended up going to sleep to wake up now feeling just normal. It’s like I’ve moved out of sadness into resignation. Not where I want to be.

M: CC did not use the term “warrior” for nothing. It takes a “warrior” to execute the alterations.

R: It’s as if I just don’t have the power to fight the old internal dialogue. The sadness seemed to be working, but not that is gone. I guess it’s just a wait and see deal and … maybe it’s because there are no real triggers here at the computer screen. Maybe as I go back out into the world, pottery class starts tonight, new chances to relate with my kids when they come home, maybe what has been different since the dropped hammer email will still be there. But right now I just feel normal. Perhaps it’s the new knowledge of the basic inauthenticity of my thoughts

M: Contemplate the above insert.

R: that will keep me going to what you pointed to as being a possibility of this time. It’s one thing to be advised to not have self-doubt, it’s another to stop having it. It’s seems the same as the “Sound Of Music” soundtrack that is my “tune” in the head of the day. No matter what I tell myself about stopping it, It will be their even one second later just on it’s own. Rick

M: As the ego and the human form dependencies grip as parasites into the energy of an individual, it is common for these “emotions” driven by them to invade the consciousness through the emotional pathways. The dying dependencies will disguise themselves as sad emotions in order to force the victim of the parasitic tendrils to release the concept of freedom to become re-dependent upon them.

M: CC did not use the term “warrior” for nothing. It takes a “warrior” to execute the alterations.

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R: Thank you Michael, I’m finding myself hesitant to say much to you at this point as … well … there is just much to start doing that I’ve already been told and I don’t want to write to you as a way of trying to “be” something. Well, this is dumb, again. I’ll write when it’s right. Thank you Rick

R: It’s almost like I was tricked into discovering a major flaw in my character. You know how often I’ve gone on about one thing or another like my way was the only way. Basically I’ve seen that most of that came from …. from foolishness rather than from any knowledge of how things really are. Preconceptions and assumptions in large part, rather than any thorough understanding of issues.

R: It’s not that that should be so hard to figure out, it’s just one of those things I never considered myself to be doing and, rather, just was that way. And now having seen it for what it is, I’m finding a general inauthenticity to my thoughts, for the most part, … sort of like a questioning … “where did that notion come from?” and only finding as the source, superficiality.

M: Words that come to mind relative to the above: recapitulation; evaluation derived from impeccability.

R: So I’m finding that I don’t quite know exactly who I am at the moment as who I’ve been seems to be looking very preconceptions and assumptions based. But the big draw is to return to being that way, as that is what I know how to be.

M: The “commit” piece that was e/mail attached some time ago seems appropriate to revisit.

R: Alas, what is one to do? I want to have the choice to change. It seems, though, that it is a lot like the Sound Of Music theme that is currently in my head as the tune-in-the-head-of-the-day; that is, it seems that even recognizing this that I’ve just described, doesn’t get rid of it as it is so very established as “my way.”

M: The choice to advance is wholly yours: it always has been. The choice to remain the same and not advance is also yours. The agenda must come from your own “fire, within.”

Peace

Michael

Note: as a final note to this section, I want to again place the quote it started with:

There are many intervals “on the way” where activities and approaches tend to overlap. Although it is always preferential to work in processes that occur in efficiency, sometimes “efficiency” moves to shake a candidate and his/her processes in ways that might be disorienting, “but” ultimately when the test or experience is over, it is recognized that it was necessary to cause one to move off the center of the moment. -Michael

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More to come … let me know what you think about it. – Rick