Sketches New and Old by Mark Twain

As I left the office, toward sundown, a group of men and boys at the foot

of the stairs dispersed with one impulse, and gave me passageway, and I

heard one or two of them say: “That’s him!” I was naturally pleased by

this incident. The next morning I found a similar group at the foot of

the stairs, and scattering couples and individuals standing here and

there in the street and over the way, watching me with interest. The

group separated and fell back as I approached, and I heard a man say,

“Look at his eye!” I pretended not to observe the notice I was

attracting, but secretly I was pleased with it, and was purposing to

write an account of it to my aunt. I went up the short flight of stairs,

and heard cheery voices and a ringing laugh as I drew near the door,

which I opened, and caught a glimpse of two young rural-looking men,

whose faces blanched and lengthened when they saw me, and then they both

plunged through the window with a great crash. I was surprised.

In about half an hour an old gentleman, with a flowing beard and a fine

but rather austere face, entered, and sat down at my invitation. He

seemed to have something on his mind. He took off his hat and set it on

the floor, and got out of it a red silk handkerchief and a copy of our

paper.

He put the paper on his lap, and while he polished his spectacles with

his handkerchief he said, “Are you the new editor?”

I said I was.

“Have you ever edited an agricultural paper before?”

“No,” I said; “this is my first attempt.”

“Very likely. Have you had any experience in agriculture practically?”

“No; I believe I have not.”

“Some instinct told me so,” said the old gentleman, putting on his

spectacles, and looking over them at me with asperity, while he folded

his paper into a convenient shape. “I wish to read you what must have

made me have that instinct. It was this editorial. Listen, and see if

it was you that wrote it:

“‘Turnips should never be pulled, it injures them. It is much

better to send a boy up and let him shake the tree.’

“Now, what do you think of that? for I really suppose you wrote it?”

“Think of it? Why, I think it is good. I think it is sense. I have no

doubt that every year millions and millions of bushels of turnips are

spoiled in this township alone by being pulled in a half-ripe condition,

when, if they had sent a boy up to shake the tree–”

“Shake your grandmother! Turnips don’t grow on trees!”

“Oh, they don’t, don’t they? Well, who said they did? The language was

intended to be figurative, wholly figurative. Anybody that knows

anything will know that I meant that the boy should shake the vine.”

Then this old person got up and tore his paper all into small shreds, and

stamped on them, and broke several things with his cane, and said I did

not know as much as a cow; and then went–out and banged the door after

him, and, in short, acted in such a way that I fancied he was displeased

about something. But not knowing what the trouble was, I could not be

any help to him.

Pretty soon after this a long, cadaverous creature, with lanky locks

hanging down to his shoulders, and a week’s stubble bristling from the

hills and valleys of his face, darted within the door, and halted,

motionless, with finger on lip, and head and body bent in listening

attitude. No sound was heard.

Still he listened. No sound. Then he turned the key in the door, and

came elaborately tiptoeing toward me till he was within long reaching

distance of me, when he stopped and, after scanning my face with intense

interest for a while, drew a folded copy of our paper from his bosom, and

said:

“There, you wrote that. Read it to me–quick! Relieve me. I suffer.”

I read as follows; and as the sentences fell from my lips I could see the

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