Sketches New and Old by Mark Twain

wrong to stone a Chinaman? Before we side against him, along with

outraged San Francisco, let us give him a chance–let us hear the

testimony for the defense.

He was a “well-dressed” boy, and a Sunday-school scholar, and therefore

the chances are that his parents were intelligent, well-to-do people,

with just enough natural villainy in their composition to make them yearn

after the daily papers, and enjoy them; and so this boy had opportunities

to learn all through the week how to do right, as well as on Sunday.

It was in this way that he found out that the great commonwealth of

California imposes an unlawful mining-tax upon John the foreigner, and

allows Patrick the foreigner to dig gold for nothing–probably because

the degraded Mongol is at no expense for whisky, and the refined Celt

cannot exist without it.

It was in this way that he found out that a respectable number of the

tax-gatherers–it would be unkind to say all of them–collect the tax

twice, instead of once; and that, inasmuch as they do it solely to

discourage Chinese immigration into the mines, it is a thing that is much

applauded, and likewise regarded as being singularly facetious.

It was in this way that he found out that when a white man robs a sluice-

box (by the term white man is meant Spaniards, Mexicans, Portuguese,

Irish, Hondurans, Peruvians, Chileans, etc., etc.), they make him leave

the camp; and when a Chinaman does that thing, they hang him.

It was in this way that he found out that in many districts of the vast

Pacific coast, so strong is the wild, free love of justice in the hearts

of the people, that whenever any secret and mysterious crime is

committed, they say, “Let justice be done, though the heavens fall,” and

go straightway and swing a Chinaman.

It was in this way that he found out that by studying one half of each

day’s “local items,” it would appear that the police of San Francisco

were either asleep or dead, and by studying the other half it would seem

that the reporters were gone mad with admiration of the energy, the

virtue, the high effectiveness, and the dare-devil intrepidity of that

very police-making exultant mention of how “the Argus-eyed officer So-

and-so” captured a wretched knave of a Chinaman who was stealing

chickens, and brought him gloriously to the city prison; and how “the

gallant officer Such-and-such-a-one” quietly kept an eye on the movements

of an “unsuspecting, almond-eyed son of Confucius” (your reporter is

nothing if not facetious), following him around with that far-off look.

of vacancy and unconsciousness always so finely affected by that

inscrutable being, the forty-dollar policeman, during a waking interval,

and captured him at last in the very act of placing his hands in a

suspicious manner upon a paper of tacks, left by the owner in an exposed

situation; and how one officer performed this prodigious thing, and

another officer that, and another the other–and pretty much every one of

these performances having for a dazzling central incident a Chinaman

guilty of a shilling’s worth of crime, an unfortunate, whose misdemeanor

must be hurrahed into something enormous in order to keep the public from

noticing how many really important rascals went uncaptured in the mean

time, and how overrated those glorified policemen actually are.

It was in this way that the boy found out that the legislature, being

aware that the Constitution has made America, an asylum for the poor and

the oppressed of all nations, and that, therefore, the poor and oppressed

who fly to our shelter must not be charged a disabling admission fee,

made a law that every Chinaman, upon landing, must be vaccinated upon the

wharf, and pay to the state’s appointed officer ten dollars for the

service, when there are plenty of doctors in San Francisco who would be

glad enough to do it for him for fifty cents.

It was in this way that the boy found out that a Chinaman had no rights

that any man was bound to respect; that he had no sorrows that any man

was bound to pity; that neither his life nor his liberty was worth the

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