Sketches New and Old by Mark Twain

purchase of a penny when a white man needed a scapegoat; that nobody

loved Chinamen, nobody befriended them, nobody spared them suffering when

it was convenient to inflict it; everybody, individuals, communities, the

majesty of the state itself, joined in hating, abusing, and persecuting

these humble strangers.

And, therefore, what could have been more natural than for this sunny-

hearted-boy, tripping along to Sunday-school, with his mind teeming with

freshly learned incentives to high and virtuous action, to say

to himself:

“Ah, there goes a Chinaman! God will not love me if I do not stone him.”

And for this he was arrested and put in the city jail.

Everything conspired to teach him that it was a high and holy thing to

stone a Chinaman, and yet he no sooner attempts to do his duty than he is

punished for it–he, poor chap, who has been aware all his life that one

of the principal recreations of the police, out toward the Gold Refinery,

is to look on with tranquil enjoyment while the butchers of Brannan

Street set their dogs on unoffending Chinamen, and make them flee for

their lives.

–[I have many such memories in my mind, but am thinking just at present

of one particular one, where the Brannan Street butchers set their dogs

on a Chinaman who was quietly passing with a basket of clothes on his

head; and while the dogs mutilated his flesh, a butcher increased the

hilarity of the occasion by knocking some of the Chinaman’s teeth down

his throat with half a brick. This incident sticks in my memory with a

more malevolent tenacity, perhaps, on account of the fact that I was in

the employ of a San Francisco journal at the time, and was not allowed to

publish it because it might offend some of the peculiar element that

subscribed for the paper.]

Keeping in mind the tuition in the humanities which the entire “Pacific

coast” gives its youth, there is a very sublimity of incongruity in the

virtuous flourish with which the good city fathers of San Francisco

proclaim (as they have lately done) that “The police are positively

ordered to arrest all boys, of every description and wherever found, who

engage in assaulting Chinamen.”

Still, let us be truly glad they have made the order, notwithstanding its

inconsistency; and let us rest perfectly confident the police are glad,

too. Because there is no personal peril in arresting boys, provided they

be of the small kind, and the reporters will have to laud their

performances just as loyally as ever, or go without items.

The new form for local items in San Francisco will now be: “The ever-

vigilant and efficient officer So-and-so succeeded, yesterday afternoon,

in arresting Master Tommy Jones, after a determined resistance,” etc.,

etc., followed by the customary statistics and final hurrah, with its

unconscious sarcasm: “We are happy in being able to state that this is

the forty-seventh boy arrested by this gallant officer since the new

ordinance went into effect. The most extraordinary activity prevails in

the police department. Nothing like it has been seen since we can

remember.”

THE JUDGE’S “SPIRITED WOMAN”

“I was sitting here,” said the judge, “in this old pulpit, holding court,

and we were trying a big, wicked-looking Spanish desperado for killing

the husband of a bright, pretty Mexican woman. It was a lazy summer day,

and an awfully long one, and the witnesses were tedious. None of us took

any interest in the trial except that nervous, uneasy devil of a Mexican

woman because you know how they love and how they hate, and this one had

loved her husband with all her might, and now she had boiled it all down

into hate, and stood here spitting it at that Spaniard with her eyes;

and I tell you she would stir me up, too, with a little of her summer

lightning, occasionally. Well, I had my coat off and my heels up,

lolling and sweating, and smoking one of those cabbage cigars the San

Francisco people used to think were good enough for us in those times;

and the lawyers they all had their coats off, and were smoking and

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