The Gilded Age by Mark Twain and Charles Dudley Warner

–they are so splendid and I can see how sure they are. Don’t throw them

away for something still better and maybe fail in it! I wouldn’t,

Colonel. I would stick to these. I wish father were here and were his

old self again–Oh, he never in his life had such chances as these are.

Colonel; you can’t improve on these–no man can improve on them!”

A sweet, compassionate smile played about the Colonel’s features, and he

leaned over the table with the air of a man who is “going to show you”

and do it without the least trouble:

“Why Washington, my boy, these things are nothing. They look large of

course–they look large to a novice, but to a man who has been all his

life accustomed to large operations–shaw! They’re well enough to while

away an idle hour with, or furnish a bit of employment that will give a

trifle of idle capital a chance to earn its bread while it is waiting for

something to do, but–now just listen a moment–just let me give you an

idea of what we old veterans of commerce call ‘business.’ Here’s the

Rothschild’s proposition–this is between you and me, you understand—-”

Washington nodded three or four times impatiently, and his glowing eyes

said, “Yes, yes–hurry–I understand—-”

—-“for I wouldn’t have it get out for a fortune. They want me to go in

with them on the sly–agent was here two weeks ago about it–go in on the

sly” [voice down to an impressive whisper, now,] “and buy up a hundred

and thirteen wild cat banks in Ohio, Indiana, Kentucky, Illinois and

Missouri–notes of these banks are at all sorts of discount now–average

discount of the hundred and thirteen is forty-four per cent–buy them all

up, you see, and then all of a sudden let the cat out of the bag! Whiz!

the stock of every one of those wildcats would spin up to a tremendous

premium before you could turn a handspring–profit on the speculation not

a dollar less than forty millions!” [An eloquent pause, while the

marvelous vision settled into W.’s focus.] “Where’s your hogs now?

Why my dear innocent boy, we would just sit down on the front door-steps

and peddle banks like lucifer matches!”

Washington finally got his breath and said:

“Oh, it is perfectly wonderful! Why couldn’t these things have happened

in father’s day? And I–it’s of no use–they simply lie before my face

and mock me. There is nothing for me but to stand helpless and see other

people reap the astonishing harvest.”

“Never mind, Washington, don’t you worry. I’ll fix you. There’s plenty

of chances. How much money have you got?

In the presence of so many millions, Washington could not keep from

blushing when he had to confess that he had but eighteen dollars in the

world.

“Well, all right–don’t despair. Other people have been obliged to begin

with less. I have a small idea that may develop into something for us

both, all in good time. Keep your money close and add to it. I’ll make

it breed. I’ve been experimenting (to pass away the time,) on a little

preparation for curing sore eyes–a kind of decoction nine-tenths water

and the other tenth drugs that don’t cost more than a dollar a barrel;

I’m still experimenting; there’s one ingredient wanted yet to perfect the

thing, and somehow I can’t just manage to hit upon the thing that’s

necessary, and I don’t dare talk with a chemist, of course. But I’m

progressing, and before many weeks I wager the country will ring with the

fame of Beriah Sellers’ Infallible Imperial Oriental Optic Liniment and

Salvation for Sore Eyes–the Medical Wonder of the Age! Small bottles

fifty cents, large ones a dollar. Average cost, five and seven cents for

the two sizes.

The first year sell, say, ten thousand bottles in Missouri, seven

thousand in Iowa, three thousand in Arkansas, four thousand in Kentucky,

six thousand in Illinois, and say twenty-five thousand in the rest of the

country. Total, fifty five thousand bottles; profit clear of all

expenses, twenty thousand dollars at the very lowest calculation. All

the capital needed is to manufacture the first two thousand bottles–

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