THE INTRUSION OF JIMMY BY P.G. WODEHOUSE

“Didn’t I tell you there was nothing doing when you wanted to take

those things the other day?”

Spike’s face cleared. As he had suspected, Jimmy had missed the

point.

“Why, say, boss, yes. Sure! But dose was little, dinky t’ings. Of

course, youse wouldn’t stand fer swipin’ chicken-feed like dem. But

dese is different. Dese di’monds is boids. It’s one hundred t’ousand

plunks fer dese.”

“Spike,” said Jimmy with painful calm.

“Huh?”

“Will you listen for a moment?”

“Sure.”

“I know it’s practically hopeless. To get an idea into your head,

one wants a proper outfit–drills, blasting-powder, and so on. But

there’s just a chance, perhaps, if I talk slowly. Has it occurred to

you, Spike, my bonny, blue-eyed Spike, that every other man, more or

less, in this stately home of England, is a detective who has

probably received instructions to watch you like a lynx? Do you

imagine that your blameless past is a sufficient safeguard? I

suppose you think that these detectives will say to themselves,

‘Now, whom shall we suspect? We must leave out Spike Mullins, of

course, because he naturally wouldn’t dream of doing such a thing.

It can’t be dear old Spike who’s got the stuff.'”

“But, boss,” interposed Spike brightly, “I ain’t! Dat’s right. I

ain’t got it. Youse has!”

Jimmy looked at the speaker with admiration. After all, there was a

breezy delirium about Spike’s methods of thought that was rather

stimulating when you got used to it. The worst of it was that it did

not fit in with practical, everyday life. Under different

conditions–say, during convivial evenings at Bloomingdale–he could

imagine the Bowery boy being a charming companion. How pleasantly,

for instance, such remarks as that last would while away the

monotony of a padded cell!

“But, laddie,” he said with steely affection, “listen once more.

Reflect! Ponder! Does it not seep into your consciousness that we

are, as it were, subtly connected in this house in the minds of

certain bad persons? Are we not imagined by Mr. McEachern, for

instance, to be working hand-in-hand like brothers? Do you fancy

that Mr. McEachern, chatting with his tame sleuth-hound over their

cigars, will have been reticent on this point? I think not. How do

you propose to baffle that gentlemanly sleuth, Spike, who, I may

mention once again, has rarely moved more than two yards away from

me since his arrival?”

An involuntary chuckle escaped Spike.

“Sure, boss, dat’s all right.”

“All right, is it? Well, well! What makes you think it is all

right?”

“Why, say, boss, dose sleut’s is out of business.” A merry grin

split Spike’s face. “It’s funny, boss. Gee! It’s got a circus

skinned! Listen. Dey’s bin an’ arrest each other.”

Jimmy moodily revised his former view. Even in Bloomingdale, this

sort of thing would be coldly received. Genius must ever walk alone.

Spike would have to get along without hope of meeting a kindred

spirit, another fellow-being in tune with his brain-processes.

“Dat’s right,” chuckled Spike. “Leastways, it ain’t.”

“No, no,” said Jimmy, soothingly. ” I quite understand.”

“It’s dis way, boss. One of dem has bin an’ arrest de odder mug. Dey

had a scrap, each t’inkin’ de odder guy was after de jools, an’ not

knowin’ dey was bot’ sleut’s, an’ now one of dem’s bin an’ taken de

odder off, an'”–there were tears of innocent joy in Spike’s eyes–

“an’ locked him into de coal-cellar.”

“What on earth do you mean?”

Spike giggled helplessly.

“Listen, boss. It’s dis way. Gee! It beat de band! When it’s all

dark ‘cos of de storm comin’ on, I’m in de dressin’-room, chasin’

around fer de jool-box, an’ just as I gits a line on it, gee! I

hears a footstep comin’ down de passage, very soft, straight fer de

door. Was I to de bad? Dat’s right. I says to meself, here’s one of

de sleut’ guys what’s bin and got wise to me, an’ he’s comin’ in to

put de grip on me. So, I gits up quick, an’ I hides behind a

coitain. Dere’s a coitain at de side of de room. Dere’s dude suits

an’ t’ings hangin’ behind it. I chases meself in dere, and stands

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