I have found as a single parent that when I remember to focus on my children, when I remember that my role as a mother is my most important role each day, I don’t have any problem making my children the first things in my life. And that has given me something I never had from my own family. It’s given me the opportunity to spend time with my kids and make sure as we go along that I share with them the experiences and values and principles that have helped me through my darkest hours. I can do that without pulling away from anything else in my life. I can still work hard, and my work doesn’t suffer because I’m constantly nurturing and being nurtured by the most important relationships in my life.
Notice how this woman began to use Habit 3 (Put first things first) to organize around her real priorities. Notice how she and her husband talked and began to understand each other’s deepest thoughts and feelings (Habit 5: Seek first to understand, then to be understood). Notice how they both practiced Habit 2 (Begin with the end in mind) by creating their mission statements, which gave each of them a tremendous sense of purpose during this difficult time. And notice how this woman’s mission statement continued to give her strength even after her husband died.
Notice her sense of purpose and service orientation in dealing with her children (Habit 2: Begin with the end in mind) and her proactive decision to spend much-needed time with them (Habit 3: Put first things first). Notice, too, the spirit of renewal (Habit 7: Sharpen the saw) and her comfort in spending time with herself and her children in healing.
Even in the midst of her struggles, this woman became a transition person, an agent of change. Instead of passing on the kind of treatment she had received from her own parents, she proactively chose to give her children a legacy of love.
Now, even though these situations are different, can you begin to see how the 7 Habits framework can address both effectively?
Again, the greatest power of this framework is not in each habit individually but in how they work together. In their synergy they create a whole—a powerful, problem-solving framework—that is even greater than the sum of its parts.
Applying the 7 Habits Framework in Your Own Situation
I’d like to invite you now to consider a family challenge that you have and to see how you might apply this framework in your situation. I’ve included a worksheet on the following page to make it easier. I suggest that if you develop the habit of going through this or a similar process with each of your family challenges, you will find your family becoming more and more effective because you will be accessing and integrating the principles that govern in all of life.
And as each challenge brings you back to these underlying principles and as you see how they play out in each situation, you will begin to recognize their timeless, universal nature and to really understand them—almost for the first time. As T. S. Eliot has said, “We must not cease from exploration. And the end of all our exploring will be to arrive where we began and to know the place for the first time.”5
You probably will also discover that one of the most significant benefits (aside from the fact that it works) is that you will have a language with which you can communicate more effectively what’s happening inside your family. In fact, this is one of the things I hear most often from families who are working with the 7 Habits.
The 7 Habits Family Worksheet
Applying Principles to Your Challenges
You are the expert in your life. Take any challenge you are dealing with and apply the 7 Habits to develop a response that is true to principles. You may decide to carry out this exercise with another family member or a helpful friend.
The situation: What is the challenge? When does it occur? Under what circumstances?
Habit 1: Be Proactive
Questions to ask yourself: Am I taking responsibility for my actions? How am I using my pause button to act based on principles instead of just reacting?
Ideas you have for using the 7 Habits to respond to your challenge:
Habit 2: Begin with the End in Mind
Questions to ask yourself: What is my end in mind? How could a personal or family mission statement (or working on one) help?
Ideas you have for using the 7 Habits to respond to your challenge:
Habit 3: First Things First
Questions to ask yourself: Am I doing what matters most? What can I do to better focus? How can weekly family time or one-on-ones help?
Ideas you have for using the 7 Habits to respond to your challenge:
Habit 4: Think “Win-Win“
Questions to ask yourself: Do I really want everyone to win? Am I open to seeking a third-alternative solution that will benefit everyone?
Ideas you have for using the 7 Habits to respond to your challenge:
Habit 5: Seek First to Understand, Then to be Understood
Questions to ask yourself: How can I more earnestly seek to understand others? How can I exercise courage and consideration in expressing my own view?
Ideas you have for using the 7 Habits to respond to your challenge:
Habit 6: Synergize
Questions to ask yourself: How and with whom can I interact creatively to come up with a solution to this challenge?
Ideas you have for using the 7 Habits to respond to your challenge:
Habit 7: Sharpen the Saw
Questions to ask yourself: How can I engage in personal and family renewal so that we can all bring our best energy to this challenge?
Ideas you have for using the 7 Habits to respond to your challenge:
One husband and father said this:
I think one of the most important things that has come out of being exposed to the 7 Habits is that we now have a common language to talk about things on a higher level. The language used to be slamming doors or walking out or yelling something in a rage. But now we can talk. We can express ourselves when we feel anger or pain. And when we use words like “synergy” or “Emotional Bank Account,” our kids understand what we’re talking about. And that’s really important.
One wife said this:
The 7 Habits have made us a lot more teachable, more humble. They are a part of everything we do every day. If I say something unkind to my husband, he’ll just remind me that it was a withdrawal, not a deposit. Those words are part of our conversation, and so we can acknowledge it. We don’t get into a fight about it or suffer in silence with hurt feelings over it. It’s a way to put things that isn’t hostile or volatile. It’s subtle and kind.
A woman who was recently married said this:
With the 7 Habits there’s an actual language and a framework. Now I can recognize “Oh, yes, we’re thinking win-win here” or “Yes, this is a proactive choice we can lovingly make together” or “Yes, we disagree, but I really do want to understand what you’re believing and saying. It’s truly important to me, and I’m convinced that we will come up with a third alternative that is going to be much better than my own monovision on the subject.”
Truly, the 7 Habits framework will give your family a new language and a new level of communication. It will also empower you to become a transition person, an agent of change, in any situation.
Making “Courage” a Verb
As the rappelling experience I shared earlier suggests, becoming a transition person or a transition family probably takes courage more than anything else. Courage is the quality of every quality at its highest testing point. Take any quality or virtue you can think of—patience, persistence, temperance, humility, charity, fidelity, cheerfulness, wisdom, integrity. Go as far as you can go with that quality until the resisting forces push back and the whole environment is discouraging. At that very moment courage comes into play. In a sense you didn’t need courage until that moment came because you were carried by the momentum of the circumstance.
In fact, it’s because of discouraging circumstances that you exercise courage. If the circumstances and people surrounding you are encouraging—if they put courage into you—then you can often be carried by the energy of their influence. But if they are discouraging—if they draw courage out of you—then you need to draw courage from within.
If you will recall, in Habit 3 we talked about how forty to fifty years ago society was encouraging to the family. Therefore, successful family life took less commitment and prioritization from within because those things were instilled from without. But today the environment is discouraging, so much so that the very hallmark of transition people and transition families today is inner courage. It takes tremendous personal and also family courage today to create an encouraging and nurturing home environment in the midst of the wider, discouraging environment of society.