Let’s look at another experience that shows the difference between the typical and the empathic response. Consider the contrast in these two conversations between Cindy, a varsity cheerleader, and her mother. In the first, Cindy’s mother seeks first to be understood:
CINDY: Oh, Mom, I have some bad news. Meggie got dropped from the cheer squad today.
MOTHER: Why?
CINDY: She was caught in her boyfriend’s car on the school grounds, and he was drinking. If you get caught drinking on the school grounds, you get in big trouble. Actually, it’s not fair because Meggie wasn’t drinking. Just her boyfriend was drunk.
MOTHER: Well, Cindy, I think it serves Meggie right for keeping bad company. I’ve warned you that people will judge you by your friends. I’ve told you that a hundred times. I don’t see why you and your friends can’t understand. I hope that you learn a lesson from this. Life is tough enough without hanging around with someone like that guy. Why wasn’t she in class? I hope you were in class when all this was going on. You were, weren’t you?
CINDY: Mom, it’s okay! Mellow out. Don’t get so mad. It wasn’t me, it was Meggie. Gosh, all I wanted to do was tell you something about somebody else, and I get the ten-minute lecture on my bad friends. I’m going to bed.
Now look at the difference when Cindy’s mother seeks first to understand:
CINDY: Oh, Mom, I have some bad news. Meggie got dropped from the cheer squad today.
MOTHER: Oh, honey, you really seem upset.
CINDY: I feel so bad about it, Mom. It wasn’t her fault. It was her boyfriend’s. He’s a jerk.
MOTHER: Hmm. You don’t like him.
CINDY: I sure don’t, Mom. He’s always in trouble. She’s a good girl, and he drags her down. It makes me sad.
MOTHER: You feel he’s a bad influence on her, and that hurts you because she’s your good friend.
CINDY: I wish she’d drop this guy and go with someone nice. Bad friends get you in trouble.
Notice how this mother’s desire to understand was reflected in the way she responded to her daughter the second time. At that point she didn’t attempt to share her own experience or ideas—even though she may have had real value to add. She didn’t evaluate, probe, advise, or interpret. And she didn’t take Cindy on, although she may have disagreed with what her daughter seemed to be saying.
What she did was respond in a way that helped clarify her own understanding of what Cindy was saying and communicate that understanding back to Cindy. And because Cindy didn’t have to engage in a win-lose conversation with her mother, she was able to connect with her four gifts and come to a sense of the real problem on her own.
The Tip and the Mass of the Iceberg
Now, it’s not always necessary to reflect back in words what someone is saying and feeling in order to empathize. The heart of empathy is understanding how people see the situation and how they feel about it, and the essence of what they are trying to say. It’s not mimicking. It’s not necessarily summarizing. It’s not even attempting to reflect back in all cases. You may not need to say anything at all. Or perhaps a facial expression will communicate that you understand. The point is that you don’t get hung up on the technique of reflecting back but instead focus on truly empathizing and then allow that genuine, sincere emotion to drive your technique.
The problem comes when people think the technique is empathy. They mimic, use the same phrases repeatedly, and rephrase what others say in ways that seem manipulative or insulting. It’s like the story about the serviceman who was complaining to the chaplain about how much he hated army life.
The chaplain responded, “Oh, you don’t like army life.”
“’Yeah,” said the serviceman. “And that C.O.! I couldn’t trust him as far as I could throw him.”
“You just feel that you couldn’t trust a C.O. as far as you could throw him.”
“Yeah. And the food—it’s so plain!”
“You feel that the food is really plain.”
“And the people—they’re so low-caliber.”
“You feel that the people are low-caliber.”
“Yeah . . . and what in the heck is wrong with the way I’m saying it anyway?”
It may be good to practice the skill. It may even increase the desire. But always remember that the technique is just the tip of the iceberg. The great mass of the iceberg is a deep and sincere desire to truly understand.
That desire is ultimately based on respect. This is what keeps empathic listening from becoming just a technique.
If this sincere desire to understand isn’t there, efforts to empathize will be sensed as manipulative and insincere. Manipulation means that the real motive is hidden even though good techniques are being used. When people feel manipulated, they are not committed. They may say “yes,” but they mean “no”—and it will be evidenced in their behavior later on. Pseudodemocracy eventually shows its true colors. And when people feel manipulated, a major withdrawal takes place, and your next efforts—even though sincere—will be perceived as another form of manipulation.
When you’re willing to acknowledge the true motive behind your methods, then truthfulness and sincerity replace manipulation. Others may not agree or go along, but at least you have been forthright. And nothing baffles a person who is full of tricks and duplicity more than simple, straightforward honesty on the part of another.
Based on respect and a sincere desire to understand, responses other than “reflective responses” can also become empathic. If someone were to ask you, “Where’s the rest room?” you wouldn’t just respond, “You’re really hurting.”
There are also times when, if you really understand, you can sense that someone wants you to probe. They want the additional perspective and insight your questions are based on. This might be compared to visiting a doctor. You want the doctor to probe, to ask about your symptoms. You know that the questions are based on expert knowledge and are necessary in order to give a proper diagnosis. So in this case probing becomes empathic rather than controlling and autobiographical.
When you sense that someone really wants you to ask questions to draw them out, you might consider questions such as these:
What are your concerns?
What is truly important to you?
What values do you want to preserve the most?
What are your most pressing needs?
What are your highest priorities in this situation?
What are the possible unintended consequences of such an action plan?
These kinds of questions can be combined with reflective statements such as:
I sense your underlying concern is . . .
Correct me if I’m wrong, but I sense that . . .
I’m trying to see it from your point of view, and what I sense is . . .
What I hear you saying is . . .
You feel that . . .
I sense you mean . . .
In the right situation any of these questions and phrases could show an attempt to achieve understanding or empathy. The point is that the attitude or desire is what must be cultivated first and foremost. The technique is secondary and flows out of the desire.
Empathy: Some Questions and Guidelines
As you work on Habit 5, you may be interested in the answers to some of the questions other people have asked over the years.
Is empathy always appropriate? The answer is “yes!” Without exception, empathy is always appropriate. But reflecting back, summarizing, and mirroring are sometimes extremely inappropriate and insulting. They may even be perceived as manipulation. So remember the heart of the matter is a sincere desire to understand.
What can you do if the other person doesn’t open up? Remember that 70 to 80 percent of all communication is nonverbal. In this sense you cannot not communicate. If you truly have an empathic heart, a heart that desires to understand, you will always be reading the nonverbal cues. You’ll be noticing body and face language, tone of voice, and context. Voice inflection and tone are the keys to discerning the heart on the phone. You’ll be attempting to discern the spirit and heart of another, so don’t force it. Be patient. You may even sense that you need to apologize or make restitution for some wrongdoing. Act on that understanding and do it. In other words, if you sense that the Emotional Bank Account is overdrawn, act on that understanding and make the appropriate deposits.
What are other expressions of empathy besides mirroring, summarizing, and reflecting techniques? Again, the answer is to do what the mass of the iceberg tells you—what your understanding of the person, the need, and the situation direct you toward. Sometimes total silence is empathic. Sometimes asking questions or using expert knowledge showing conceptual awareness is empathic. Sometimes a nod or a single word is empathic. Empathy is a very sincere, nonmanipulative, flexible, and humble process. You realize you’re on sacred ground and that the other person is perhaps even a little more vulnerable than you.