I would also say this: Do not get discouraged if your initial efforts meet with resistance. Keep in mind that any time you try something new, you’re going to get some flack:
“So what’s wrong with us?”
“Why all the big deal about changing?”
“Why can’t we just be like a normal family?
“I’m hungry. Let’s eat first.”
“I’ve got ten minutes and that’s it. I’m out of here.”
“Can I bring a friend?”
“I’d rather watch TV.”
Just smile and keep moving forward. I promise you: It will be worth the effort!
The Miracle of the Chinese Bamboo Tree
Finally, I’d like to suggest that in everything you do in your family, you keep in mind the miracle of the Chinese bamboo tree. After the seed for this amazing tree is planted, you see nothing, absolutely nothing, for four years except for a tiny shoot coming out of a bulb. During those four years, all the growth is underground in a massive, fibrous root structure that spreads deep and wide in the earth. But then in the fifth year the Chinese bamboo tree grows up to eighty feet!
Many things in family life are like the Chinese bamboo tree. You work and you invest time and effort, and you do everything you can possibly do to nurture growth, and sometimes you don’t see anything for weeks, months, or even years. But if you’re patient and keep working and nurturing, that “fifth year” will come, and you will be astonished at the growth and change you see taking place.
Patience is faith in action. Patience is emotional diligence. It’s the willingness to suffer inside so that others can grow. It reveals love. It gives birth to understanding. Even as we become aware of our suffering in love, we learn about ourselves and our own weaknesses and motives.
So, to paraphrase Winston Churchill, we must “never, never, NEVER give up!”
I know of one little girl who would always run out to the front porch. Her mother would go out, hug her, and invite her back. One day the little girl did this, and because her mother was busy, she forgot to go and get her. After a while the little girl went back into the house. Her mother hugged her and told her she was glad she was back. Then the little girl said, “Momma, always come after me.”
Inside each of us is this deep longing for “home,” for the rich, satisfying relationships and interactions of quality family life. And we must never give up. No matter how far we feel we’ve gotten off track, we can always take steps to correct the course. I strongly encourage you: No matter how far away a son or daughter seems to be, hang in there. Never give up. Your children are bone of your bone, flesh of your flesh, whether physically by birth or emotionally by the bonding of the family commitment you have made. Eventually, like the Prodigal son, they will return. You will reclaim them.
As the metaphor of the airplane reminds us, the destination is within reach. And the journey can be rich, enriching, and joyful. In fact, the journey is really part of the destination, because in the family, as in life, how you travel is as important as where you arrive.
As Shakespeare has written:
There is a tide in the affairs of men,
Which, taken at the flood, leads on to fortune;
Omitted, all the voyage of their life
Is bound in shallows and in miseries.
On such a full sea are we now afloat,
And we must take the current when it serves,
Or lose our ventures.15
We must take this tide now, for despite the trends in society we all know deep inside that family is supremely important. In fact, when I ask audiences worldwide what the three most important things in their lives are, 95 percent put “family” or “family relationships” on that list. Seventy-five percent put family first.
I feel the same way, and I imagine you do, too. Our greatest joys and our deepest heartaches surround what is happening in our family life. It is said that “no mother is happier than her most unhappy child.” We want things to be right. We want to have the joy we somehow know deep inside is possible and natural and right in family life. But when we sense a gap between this vision of the rich, beautiful family life we want to have and the reality of our everyday family lives, we feel off track. It’s easy to get discouraged, to feel a little hopeless—to feel that there is no way we can ever have the kind of family life we really want.
But there is hope, tremendous hope! The key is to remember to keep working from the inside out and keep getting back on track when we blow it.
I wish you well. I realize that your family is different from ours. Through divorce or the death of your spouse, you may be attempting to raise children alone. You may be a grandparent with all your children grown. You may be recently married and not have children yet. You may be an aunt or an uncle or a brother or a sister or a cousin. But whoever you are, you’re part of a family, and family love is in a league of its own. When family relationships are good, life itself is good. It is my hope and belief that these 7 Habits will help you create a beautiful family culture in which life is really good.
SHARING THIS CHAPTER WITH ADULTS AND TEENS
Family Life Is Like an Airplane Flight
Review the airplane illustration. Ask family members: In what ways do you think family life is like an airplane flight?
Ask: When do you feel our family is “off course?” Responses might include: during times of stress; in times of conflict when there’s fighting, yelling, blaming, and criticizing; during painful times of loneliness and insecurity.
Ask: When do you feel our family is “on course?” Responses might include: when we’re taking walks, talking together, relaxing, going to the park, taking trips together, or having special dinners, “work” parties, family picnics, or barbecues.
Encourage family members to think of a time when they knew they were off course. Ask: What caused it? What other things can you think of that impact you in negative ways?
Review the story “I Found My Son Again.” Ask family members: How do we get back on track? Some ideas might include: having one-on-one time, asking for and getting feedback, listening, forgiving, apologizing, putting pride aside, becoming humble, taking responsibility, examining your thinking, connecting with what’s important, respecting one another, considering consequences.
Review Sean’s recollections, “Mom and Dad would always keep coming back.” Discuss how family members can correct their course more effectively.
Learning Together
Ask family members: How do we learn and share together as a family? Responses might include: reading stories together, sharing music, taking trips, enjoying new experiences together, gathering family photos, sharing family stories. Ask: How important is this to our family?
Discuss how you can make reading and discussing this book together a commitment.
It’s Never Too Late
Consider the miracle of the Chinese bamboo tree. Review the story “Momma, always come after me.” Ask family members: How does this impact the way we think about our family and the struggles we face? Are there any specific areas or relationships in which we need to allow time for growth?
SHARING THIS CHAPTER WITH CHILDREN
Play the Game
Blindfold a family member. Lead him or her to a place in the house, the yard or a nearby park, where returning to the starting point without sight will be a little difficult. Make sure the return path is safe, with no stairs or other obstacles in the way.
Turn the person around a few times and explain that it will be his or her job to find the way back to the designated starting point.
Let the person try to return. After a moment ask if he or she would like some help or clues.
Let family members direct the person back with instructions such as “turn left, go straight, turn right.”
When safely back, ask the person if it was hard to find the way when he or she couldn’t see it and had no instructions. Give each child a chance to be blindfolded and try to find the way back.
Summarize the Game
Help the children understand that you are all going through life together, but none of you can see the future. Often you will need instructions or clues and some assistance from your family to get to your destination.
Talk about how wonderful it is to have a family to rely on.
Help the children see that a family “flight plan” with some “help” to become a strong and happy family is just as valuable as the help and assistance they received when they were blindfolded and tried to find their way back to the designated starting point.