All I would like to say to you is “You can do this!” Take that step. As the expression goes, “Put your money in your left hand and your guts in your right hand and jump.”
I know we’ve covered a lot of material in this book. But do not let it overwhelm you! If you will just start where you are and keep working, I promise you that unbelievably wonderful insights will come. The more you live these habits, the more you will see how their greatest power is not in the individual habits but in the way they work together to create a framework—or a sort of mental map—that you can apply in any situation.
Consider how helpful an accurate map is in helping you reach any destination. An inaccurate map, on the other hand, is worse than useless—it’s misleading. Imagine trying to reach a destination in the United States when all you have to go by is a map of Europe. You might try harder, but you’d be lost twice as fast. You might think positively and end up being cheerful, but you would still be lost. The bottom line is that, assuming this is the only source of information you have, it’s very unlikely you would ever reach your destination.
In working with families, there are at least three common misleading maps:
The “advice from others” map. Projecting our own experience onto other people’s lives is a common thing to do. But think about it: Would your glasses work for someone else? Would your shoes fit someone else’s feet? In some cases, yes, but most often, no. What works in one situation does not necessarily work in another.
The social values map. Another common map consists of theories that are based on social values rather than principles. But as we saw in Habit 3, social values are not necessarily the same as principles. For example, if you love a child based on his or her behavior, you may manipulate that behavior in the short run. But the child learns to win love by good behavior. Can that possibly bring good results over time? And does it give a realistic picture of what “love” really is?
The “deterministic” map. One of the most subtle of all paradigms is the map that is based on deterministic assumptions. The picture it creates is that essentially we are victims of our genes and circumstances. People who live with this map tend to speak and think in terms such as these:
“That’s just the way I am. There’s nothing I can do about it.”
“My grandmother was like that, my mother was like that, and so am I.”
“Oh, that character trait comes from my father’s side of the family.”
“He makes me so mad!”
“These kids are driving me crazy!”
The deterministic map gives a skewed picture of our own deep inner nature, and it denies our fundamental power to choose.
Now these and other maps are at the root of many of the things we think and do in the family. And as long as we have these maps, it is very difficult for us to act outside them.
To illustrate, one time when I spoke to a large group of people, my mother was in the audience. She sat up close to the front, and she became very upset during my speech because two people in the front row kept talking. She felt it was inconsiderate—and even insulting—to her son, and she fretted over what she considered rude and inappropriate behavior.
At the end of the speech she went up to another person who had been sitting in the front row and began to comment rather heatedly on the situation. The other person responded, “Oh, yes! That woman is from Korea, and the gentleman is her interpreter.”
My mother was totally chagrined. Suddenly she saw the whole thing differently. She was ashamed and embarrassed about her judgmental attitude. And she realized that she had lost much of what was offered in the presentation because of it—all because of a wrong map.
Throughout the speech she may have tried to think more charitably toward those two people in the front row. Afterward, she may even have tried to interact with them in positive ways. But as long as her “map” said that they were being rude and discourteous, any effort to simply change her attitude or her behavior would have brought minimal results. It wasn’t until she got a more accurate map that she was able to effect a change in herself and in the situation.
The point is that we all act based on our maps. And if we want to create change in our lives and in our families, it’s not enough to focus on attitudes and behaviors. We have to change the map.
Outside-in will no longer work. Only inside-out will work. As Einstein put it, “The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them.” The real key is in learning and using a new way of thinking—a new, more accurate map.
Experiencing the 7 Habits Framework
Next to the emotion of hope and resolve, I would like you, the reader, to take from this book an appreciation of the usefulness and power of the 7 Habits map or framework as a whole in understanding and in resolving any family problem you may have. The key is not in any particular habit or any particular story, however fascinating, or any particular practice, however well it has worked for others. The key is in learning and using this new way of thinking.
You might well ask, “But how can a single approach possibly deal with every conceivable situation—with the challenges of a large growing family, a childless couple, a single-parent family, a blended family, grandparents and grown siblings?” You might also ask, “Can a single approach work in different nations, different cultures?”
The answer is: It can—if it is based on universal needs and universal principles.
The 7 Habits framework is based on a principle-centered approach to fulfilling our needs—physical/economic, social, mental, and spiritual. This framework is simple but not simplistic. As Oliver Wendell Holmes said, “I wouldn’t give a fig for the simplicity on this side of complexity, but I would give my right arm for the simplicity on the far side of complexity.” The 7 Habits approach is simplicity on the far side of complexity because all the habits are based on universal principles, organized inside-out, to be adapted to any situation by the individuals involved. It addresses both the acute and the chronic problems—both the felt pain and the underlying cause. The 7 Habits approach is not heavy academic theory, nor is it a bunch of simplistic success formulas. It truly is a third alternative in family literature.
To illustrate how you can apply this framework, let me share with you two stories of people who did so successfully in very different situations. As you read these stories, watch for instances where the people involved begin to use the 7 Habits—either to understand or to resolve their concern.
One woman shared this experience of a crisis she had in her marriage:
My husband and I have always had a really volatile marriage. We’re both extremely stubborn people who know exactly what we want and are determined to get it at all costs.
About a year and a half ago, we hit an absolute wall. Three years earlier, Jeff had informed me that he was going to graduate school—across the country in Pennsylvania, no less. I was not happy with that at all because I had a promising career, we had just purchased a home, my family all lived nearby, and I was as happy as a clam right where I was.
So I dug in my heels and resisted ferociously for about six months. Finally I decided, Well, I’m married to this guy, so I guess I’ll go with him. I followed him, resentfully, across the country to Pennsylvania. I supported him financially for the next two years, but that’s about it. I was very grumpy about being there. I’m not much of an easterner, so it took me quite a while to get accustomed to living in Pennsylvania. I had no friends and no family there. I had to start all over. And I totally blamed Jeff for how miserable I was because it had been his idea to drag me there.
When Jeff finally graduated, I said, “Okay, I’ve been working all this time, and now it’s your turn to start looking for a job.” He dutifully went about the normal process of job hunting, applying all over the country and going on interviews. But things just weren’t panning out for him, and he was miserable.
And I didn’t even care that he was miserable. I just wanted him to find a job somewhere—anywhere—and get me out of this hick college town.