We all “blow it” from time to time. In other words, we get off track. And when we do, we need to own up to it, humbly acknowledge it, and sincerely apologize.
Honey, I’m so sorry I embarrassed you in front of your friends. That was wrong of me. I’m going to apologize to you and also to your friends. I should never have done that. I got on some kind of an ego trip with you, and I’m sorry. I hope you will give me another chance.
Sweetheart, I apologize for cutting you off that way. You were trying to share something with me that you feel deeply about, and I got so caught up in my own agenda that I just came on like a steamroller. Will you please forgive me?
Notice again in these apologies how all four gifts are being used. First, you’re aware of what’s happening. Second, you consult your conscience and tap into your moral or ethical sense. Third, you have a sense of what is possible—what would be better. And fourth, you act on the other three. If any one of these four is neglected, the entire effort will break down, and you will end up trying to defend, justify, explain, or cover up the offensive behavior in some way. You may apologize, but it’s superficial, it’s not sincere.
Being Loyal to Those Not Present
What happens when family members are not loyal to one another, when they criticize and gossip about the others behind their backs? What does it do to the relationship, to the culture when family members make disloyal comments to other family members or to their friends:
“My husband is such a tightwad! He worries about every penny we spend.”
“My wife jabbers constantly. You’d think she could shut up and let me get a word in once in a while.”
“Did you hear what my son did the other day? He talked back to a teacher. They called me from the school. It was so embarrassing! I don’t know what to do with that kid. He’s always causing trouble.”
“I can’t believe my mother-in-law! She tries to control everything we do. I don’t know why my wife can’t just cut the apron strings and get it over with.”
Comments like these are huge withdrawals not only from the person spoken about but also from the person spoken to. For example, if you were to discover that someone had made one of these comments about you, how would it make you feel? You’d probably feel misunderstood, violated, unjustly criticized, unfairly accused. How would it affect the amount of trust in your relationship with that person? Would you feel safe? Would you feel affirmed? Would you feel you could confide in that person and your confidence would be treated with respect?
On the other hand, if someone said something like this to you about someone else, how would you feel? You might initially be pleased that the person had “confided” in you, but wouldn’t you begin to wonder if that same person, in a different circumstance, might say something equally negative about you to someone else?
Next to apologizing, the toughest and one of the most important deposits an individual can make—or an entire family can adopt as a fundamental value and commitment—is to be loyal to family members when they are not present. In other words, talk about others as if they were present. That doesn’t mean you are unaware of their weaknesses and are Pollyannaish and take the “ostrich head in the sand” approach. It means, rather, that you usually focus on the positive rather than the negative—and if you do talk about those weaknesses, you do it in such a responsible and constructive way that you would not be ashamed to have those people you’re talking about overhear your conversation.
A friend of ours had an eighteen-year-old son whose habits irritated his married brother and sisters and their spouses. When he wasn’t there (which was often, since he spent most hours away from home with friends), the family would talk about him. Their favorite conversation centered on his girlfriends, his habit of sleeping late, and his demands on his mother to serve him at his beck and call. This man participated in these rather gossipy conversations about his son, and the discussions caused him to believe that his son was truly irresponsible.
At one point this friend became aware of what was happening and the part he was playing in it. He decided to follow the principle of being loyal to those not present by being loyal to his son. Thereafter, when such conversations began to develop, he would gently interrupt any negative comments and say something good that he had observed his son doing. He had a good story to counteract any derogatory comments the others might make. Soon the conversation would lose its spice and shift to other, more interesting subjects.
Our friend said he soon felt that the others in the family began to connect with this principle of family loyalty. They began to realize that he would also defend them if they were not present. And in some almost unexplainable manner—perhaps because he began to see his son differently—this change also improved his Emotional Bank Account with this son, who hadn’t even been aware of the family conversations about him. Bottom line: The way you treat any relationship in the family will eventually affect every relationship in the family.
I remember one time when I was running out of the house to go somewhere in a hurry. I knew that if I stopped to say good-bye to my three-year-old son Joshua, I would get caught up in his needs and questions. It would take time, and I was into efficiency. So I said to my other children, “See ya, kids. I’ve got to run! Don’t tell Joshua I’m going.”
I got halfway out to the car before I realized what I had just done. I turned around, went back into the house, and said to the other children, “That was wrong of me to run out on Joshua like that and not to say good-bye to him as well. I’m going to find him to say good-bye.”
Sure enough, I had to spend some time with him. I had to talk with him about what he wanted to talk about before I could go. But it built the Emotional Bank Account with Joshua and with the other children as well.
I sometimes think: What would have happened if I hadn’t gone back? What if I had gone to Joshua that night and tried to have a good relationship with him? Would he have been loving and open with me if he knew I had run out on him when he wanted and needed me? How would this have affected my relationship with my other sons and daughters? Would they have thought that I would run out on them, too, if interacting with them sidetracked my agenda?
The message sent to one is truly sent to all because everyone is a “one,” and they know that if you treat one that way, all it takes is a change of circumstances and you’ll treat them that way, too. That’s why it is so important to be loyal to those not present.
Notice here, too, how all four gifts are in proactive use. To be loyal, you have to be self-aware. You have to have a sense of conscience, a moral sense of right and wrong. You have to have a sense of what’s possible, what’s better. And you have to have the intestinal fortitude to make it happen.
Being loyal to those not present is clearly a proactive choice.
Making and Keeping Promises
Many times over the years people have asked if I had one idea that would best help people grow so that they could better cope with their problems, seize their opportunities, and make their life successful. I’ve come to give a simple four-word answer: “Make and keep promises.”
Although this may sound like an oversimplification, I truly believe it is profound. In fact, as you will discover, all of the first three habits are embodied in that simple four-word expression. If an entire family would cultivate the spirit of making and keeping promises to one another, it would create a multitude of other good things.
Cynthia (daughter):
When I was twelve years old, Dad promised to take me with him on a business trip to San Francisco. I was so excited! We talked about the trip for three months. We were going to be there for two days and one night, and we planned every detail. Dad was going to be busy in meetings the first day, so I would hang around the hotel. After his meetings, we planned to take a cab to Chinatown and have our favorite Chinese food. Then we’d see a movie, take a ride on a trolley car, and go back to our hotel room for a video and hot fudge sundaes from room service. I was dying with anticipation.