In a family, order means that the family is prioritized and that some kind of structure is in place to make that priority happen. In the mega sense, Habit 2—the creation of a family mission statement—provides the foundational structure for the inside-out approach to family living. In addition, there are two major organizing structures or processes that will help you put the family first in a meaningful way in your daily life: a weekly “family time” and one-on-one bonding times.
As prominent marriage and family therapist William Doherty said, “The forces pulling on families are just too strong in the modern world. Ultimately, we must decide either to steer or to go where the river takes us. The key to successful steering is to be intentional about our family rituals.”23
Weekly Family Time
Outside of making and honoring the basic marriage covenant, I have come to feel that probably no single structure will help you prioritize your family more than a specific time set aside every week just for the family. You could call it “family time,” “family hour,” “family council,” or “family night” if you prefer. Whatever you call it, the main purpose is to have one time during the week that is focused on being a family.
A thirty-four-year-old woman from Oregon shared this:
My mother was the instigator of a weekly family activity time where we children got to pick whatever we wanted to do. Sometimes we went ice skating. At other times we went bowling or to a movie. We absolutely loved it! We always topped it off with a visit to our favorite restaurant in Portland. Those activity days always left me with a feeling of great closeness and that we really were part of a family unit.
I have such fond memories of these times. My mother passed away when I was a teenager, and this had a very traumatic impact on me. But my dad has made sure that every year since her death we all get together for at least one week—in-laws, children, everyone—to rekindle those same feelings.
When family members all leave to go to their homes in different states, I feel sad and yet so rich. There is such strength in a family that has lived together under the same roof. And the new members of our family have in no way detracted from this feeling—they have only enriched it.
My mother left quite a legacy. I have not married, but my brothers and sisters faithfully have their own weekly family times with their children. And that particular restaurant in Portland is still a gathering spot for us all.
Notice the feelings this woman is expressing about her memories of these family times. And look at the impact it has on her life now, on her relationships with her brothers and sisters, and on their relationships with the members of their families. Can you begin to see the kind of bonding a weekly family time creates? Can you see the way it builds the Emotional Bank Account?
A woman from Sweden shared this story:
When I was about five or six years old, my parents talked to someone who told them of the value of having regular meetings with their family. So they began to do it in our home.
I remember the first time my dad shared with us a principle of life. It was very powerful to me, because I had never seen him in the role of formal teacher, and I was impressed. My dad was a busy and successful businessman and had not had very much time for us children. I remember how special and important it made me feel that he valued us enough to take time out of his busy schedule and sit down and explain how he felt about life.
I also recall an evening when my parents invited a famous surgeon from the United States to join us for our family time. They asked him to share his experiences of medicine with us and how he had been able to help people all over the world.
This surgeon told us how decisions he had made in life eventually led him to reaching his goals and becoming more than he had imagined. I never forgot his words and the importance of taking each challenge “one step at a time.” But more important, his visit left me with the feeling that it was really neat that my parents wanted to invite visitors home to share their experiences with us.
Today I have five children, and almost monthly we bring some “outsider” to our home to get acquainted with, share with, and learn from. I know it is a direct result of what I saw in my parents’ home. In our jobs or at school, we have an opportunity to be exposed to people from other countries, and their visits have enriched our lives and have resulted in close friendships worldwide.
This woman was profoundly influenced by a regular family time as she was growing up and has passed the legacy on to her children. Think about the difference this will make to her children as their family tries to navigate through a turbulent, family-unfriendly environment.
A weekly family night is something we’ve had as part of our own family from the very beginning. When the children were very small, we used it as a time of deep communication and planning for the two of us. As they got older, we used the time to teach them, to play with them, and to involve them in fun and meaningful activities and family decisions. There have been times when one of us or one of the children could not be there. But for the most part we’ve tried to always set aside at least one evening a week as family time.
On a typical family night we would review our calendar on upcoming events so everyone would know what was going on. Then we’d hold a family council and discuss issues and problems. We’d each give suggestions, and together we’d make decisions. Often we would have a talent show where the kids would show us how they were coming along with their music or dance lessons. Then we’d have a short lesson and a family activity and serve refreshments. We would also always pray together and sing one of our family’s favorite songs, “Love at Home” by John Hugh McNaughton.
In this way we would accomplish what we have come to feel are the four main ingredients of a successful family time: planning, teaching, problem-solving, and having fun.
Notice how this one structure can meet all four needs—physical, social, mental, and spiritual—and how it can become a major organizing element in the family.
But family time doesn’t have to be that involved—especially at first. If you want, you can just begin to do some of these things at a special family dinner. Use your imagination. Make it fun. After a while, family members will begin to realize they are receiving nourishment in more ways than one, and it will be easier to hold a more involved family time. People—particularly little children—long for family experiences that make them feel close to one another. They want a family in which people demonstrate that they care about one another. Also, the more often you do things like this in your family, the easier it will become.
And you cannot begin to imagine the positive impact this will have on your family. A friend of mine did his doctoral dissertation on the effect of holding family meetings on the self-image of children. Although his research showed the positive effect was significant, one unanticipated and surprising result was the positive effect that holding such meetings had on the fathers. He tells of one father who felt very inadequate and was initially reluctant to try to hold such meetings. But after three months the father said this:
Growing up, my family didn’t talk much except to put each other down and to argue. I was the youngest, and it seemed as if everyone in the family told me that I couldn’t do anything right. I guess I believed them, so I didn’t do much in school. It got so I didn’t even have enough confidence to try anything that took any brains.
I didn’t want to have these family nights because I just didn’t feel I could do it. But after my wife led a discussion one week and my daughter another week, I decided to try one myself.
It took a lot of courage for me to do it, but once I got started, it was like something turned loose in me that had been tied up in a painful knot ever since I was a little boy. Words just seemed to flow out of my heart. I told the members of my family why I was so glad to be their dad and why I knew they could do good things with their lives. Then I did something I had never done before. I told them all, one by one, how much I loved them. For the first time I felt like a real father—the kind of father I wished my father had been.