Review the material on the four human gifts. Ask: What can we do to build our proactive muscles?
Creating a Pause Button: Stop, Think, and Choose
Talk together about the concept of the pause button.
Ask the family to choose something to represent a pause button for the family. It could be a body movement, such as signaling with a hand, jumping up and down, or waving an arm; an action, such as switching the lights on and off; a sound, such as blowing a whistle, ringing a bell, or mimicking an animal sound; or even a word. Each time this signal is given, everyone will know the pause button is being pushed. All activity, including conversation, arguing, debating, and so forth, should cease. This signal serves as a reminder for all to stop, think, and consider the consequences of continuing as they are. Talk together about how using this pause button gives family members the opportunity to subordinate what may seem important at the moment (winning an argument, getting their way, being “first” or “best”) for what really matters most (creating strong relationships, having a happy family, or building a beautiful family culture).
Working in Your Circle of Influence
Review the material in “The Circle of Concern and The Circle of Influence.” Have family members discuss some things that they do not have direct influence over, such as other people’s thoughts and actions, the weather, seasons, and natural disasters. Help everyone understand that although there are some things we cannot influence, there is much that we can influence. Talk about how much more effective it is to concentrate energy and effort on what you can influence.
Ask family members: What are some things we can do to take good care of our bodies to help prevent illness?
Review the material in “Building The Emotional Bank Account.” Talk together about what you can do to build Emotional Bank Accounts in the family. Encourage family members to commit to making deposits and limiting withdrawals for one week. At the end of the week discuss the difference it has made.
SHARING THIS CHAPTER WITH CHILDREN
Developing Conscience: A Treasure Hunt
Choose a “treasure” that everyone will enjoy, making sure that there is enough for all to share.
Choose a safe spot to hide the treasure, making sure that it is accessible to everyone.
Develop clues that lead to the treasure. In order to obtain the clues participants must answer questions that will exercise their conscience. Positive answers lead them closer to the treasure; negative answers lead them away. Examples might include:
Question: As you are walking to school, you notice that the boy in front of you has dropped a five-dollar bill. What do you do? Positive responses could be: Pick it up and return it to the boy. Tell a teacher and hand it over. Negative responses could be: Keep it. Head to the store. Taunt the boy.
Question: Someone steals the answers to next week’s math exam and offers you a copy. What do you do? Positive responses could be: Refuse a copy and study. Encourage the person to be honest. Negative responses could be: Take it; you need the A. Tell everyone else so they will like you.
Understanding the Emotional Bank Account
Visit a local bank, open an account, and explain deposits and withdrawals.
Make your own “EBA” box. Let the children decorate it. Put it in a special place that is noticeable and accessible to everyone. Create some “deposit slips” on three-by-five cards. Encourage the children to make “deposits” during the week to other family members. Some examples might include: “Dad, thanks for taking me golfing. I love you.” Or “Brooke, I noticed how well you folded the laundry this week.” Or “John made my bed today, and I didn’t even ask him to.” Or “Mom takes me to soccer every week. She is so nice.” Find a time to talk about the deposits made during the week. Encourage family members to use this opportunity to share what a “deposit” is to them.
HABIT 2
BEGIN WITH THE END IN MIND
One young father shared this experience of how his wife was able to be proactive in a challenging situation with their son:
I came home from work the other day, and my three-and-a-half-year-old son Brenton met me at the door. He was beaming. He said, “Dad, I am a hardworking man!”
I later found out that while my wife had been downstairs, Brenton had emptied a one-and-a-half-gallon jug of water from the fridge, most of it on the floor. My wife’s initial reaction had been to yell at him and spank him. But instead she stopped herself and said patiently, “Brenton, what were you trying to do?”
“I was trying to be a helping man, Mom,” he replied proudly.
“What do you mean?” she asked.
“I washed the dishes for you.
Sure enough, there on the kitchen table were all the dishes he had washed with the water from the water jug.
“Well, honey, why did you use the water from the fridge?”
“I couldn’t reach the water in the sink.”
“Oh!” she said. Then she looked around. “Well, what do you think you could do next time that would make less of a mess?”
He thought about it for a minute. Then his face lit up. “I could do it in the bathroom!” he exclaimed.
“The dishes might break in the bathroom,” she replied. “But how about this? What if you came and got me and I helped you move a chair in front of the kitchen sink so that you could do the work there?”
“Good idea!” he exclaimed happily.
“Now what shall we do with this mess?” she asked.
“Well,” he said thoughtfully, “we could use a lot of paper towels!” So she gave him some paper towels, and she went and got the mop.
As she was telling me what had happened, I realized how important it was that my wife had been able to catch herself between stimulus and response. She made a proactive choice. And she was able to do it because she thought about the end in mind. The important thing here is not having a clean floor. It’s raising this boy.
It took her about ten minutes to clean up the mess. If she had been reactive, it also would have taken her about ten minutes, but the difference would have been that Brenton would have met me at the door and said, “Daddy, I am a bad boy!”
Just think about the difference it made in this family for this woman to act instead of react! This little boy could have come out of this experience feeling guilty, embarrassed, and ashamed. But instead he felt affirmed, appreciated, loved. His good intentions and his desire to help were nurtured. He learned how to help in better ways. His whole attitude about himself and about helping in his home were positively affected by this interaction.
How was this woman able to turn what could have been a very frustrating experience into an actual deposit into this little boy’s Emotional Bank Account? As her husband observed, she had clear in her mind what was most important. It wasn’t having a clean floor; it was raising that boy. She had a purpose that was bigger than her problem. And in that instant between what happened and her response to it, she was able to connect to that purpose. She acted with the end in mind.
The End in Mind: Your “Destination”
Habit 2—Begin with the end in mind—is to create a clear, compelling vision of what you and your family are all about. Going back to the airplane metaphor, Habit 2 defines your destination. And having your destination clearly in mind affects every decision along the way.
Habit 2 is based on the principle of vision—and vision is powerful! It’s the principle that enables prisoners of war to survive.1 Research shows it’s what gives successful children the drive to succeed.2 It’s a moving power behind successful individuals and organizations in every walk of life. Vision is greater than “baggage”—greater than the negative baggage of the past and even the accumulated baggage of the present. Tapping into this sense of vision gives you the power and the purpose to rise above the baggage and act based on what really matters most.
Now there are many ways to apply this principle of vision—to begin with the end in mind—in the family culture. You can begin a year, a week, or a day with the end in mind. You can begin a family experience or activity with the end in mind. You can begin a season of dance or piano lessons, or a special family dinner, or the building of a new home, or a search for a family pet with the end in mind.
But in this chapter we’re going to focus on the most profound, significant, and far-reaching application of “begin with the end in mind” in the family—the creation of a “family mission statement.”