Conflicting scripts most often reveal themselves in two closely related areas, and the gift of self-awareness is the key to understanding both. The first is in the area of values and goals—or the way things should be—and the second is in the area of assumptions about the way things are. These two areas are interrelated, since we usually define the way things are in terms of the way things should be. When we say we have a problem, we are basically saying things are not the way they should be. To one spouse the problem may be tragic; to the other, nonexistent.
One spouse may think of “family” as a close-knit “nuclear” or two-generation family consisting only of parents and children, while to the other spouse the concept of “family” is intergenerational, involving a great deal of open communication, interaction, and activity with aunts and uncles, nieces and nephews, grandparents, and so forth. One person may be scripted into believing that love is a feeling, while the other person sees love as a verb. One may solve problems by fighting or flighting, while the other wants to communicate and talk them through. One may see differences as weaknesses, while the other sees differences as strengths. Where people stand on these issues tends to be a product of their experiences with the significant models of their lives, and in any marriage, these things need to be talked out and worked out.
This coming together—this sharing and agreeing upon role expectations, problem-solving strategies, vision and values in a relationship—is called “co-missioning.” In other words, it’s a commingling or joining of missions or purposes. It’s binding them so that they have the same destination. And the power of it is that it literally transcends “your way” or “my way.” It creates a new way, a higher way—“our way.” It enables marriage partners to work together to explore differences and to resolve problems in ways that build the Emotional Bank Account and bring positive results.
This co-missioning between a husband and wife is so vital, so impactful in a relationship and in the family as a whole, you may discover—as we have—that even when you have a family mission statement that includes your children, you also want to maintain a “marriage mission statement” that reflects the unique relationship between you and your spouse.
If the two of you are older and your children are grown, you may want to ask different questions, such as these:
What can we do to promote the growth and happiness of our children and grandchildren?
What needs do they have that we can help fulfill?
What principles should govern our interaction with them?
In what ways can we appropriately be involved in their lives and their families?
How can we help them develop their own family mission statements?
How can we encourage them to deal with their challenges and problems within the context of that statement?
How can we help them want to give back?
You may also want to consider plans to create a three-generation mission statement. Think about activities that could include all three generations—vacations, holidays, and birthdays. Remember that it is never too late to start wise parenting of your grown children. They still need you. They will need you all their lives. When you raise your children, you’re also raising your grandchildren. Patterns tend to persist. In fact, you often have a second shot at raising your children as you help raise your grandchildren.
A Mission Statement for Three or More
The importance of a mission statement becomes even more evident when there are children in the family. Now you have people who need to have a sense of belonging, who need to be taught and trained—people who will be influenced in many different ways through their growing-up years. And without some unifying sense of vision and values, they may well be bouncing off the walls with no sense of family identity or purpose. So, again, a family mission statement becomes supremely important.
When children are young, they generally love to be included in the process of creating the mission statement. They love sharing their ideas and helping to create something that gives them a sense of family identity.
Catherine (daughter):
Before my husband and I were married, we talked about what we wanted our home to be like, especially when we had children. Did we want it to be fun, relaxing, educational, etcetera? We talked about how we wanted to have honesty and integrity in our relationship, how we wanted our love to last, to never flicker and die. It was out of those discussions that we wrote our family mission statement.
We have three children now, and although our mission statement has remained fundamentally the same, it has changed a little with each child. Our first baby kind of threw us for a loop, and everything centered around her. But the next baby put us more in perspective, and we were able to step back and realize better how we wanted to raise our kids together—how we wanted them to be upstanding citizens in the community, to serve others, and so on.
The children have added things to the mission statement as well. Our oldest is only six. She says she wants to make sure we tell lots of jokes in our family, so we have added that little statement for her and for our three-year-old son.
Every New Year’s Eve we sit down and work on our mission statement and write out our goals for the coming year. We find that our kids are very excited about the whole process. Then we put our mission statement on the fridge. The children continually refer to it. They say, “Mom, you’re not supposed to raise your voice. Remember—happy, cheerful tones in our home.” It’s a big reminder.
A husband and father shared this experience:
About four years ago my wife and I, our two children, and my mother-in-law who lives with us created a family mission statement. Just recently we were reviewing that statement to see what we felt we needed to change.
In the course of the discussion, Sarah, our eleven-year-old, said something really important. She was talking about how one person can bring stress into the family, and it affects everyone else. I think she was particularly feeling this from Grandma, because Grandma is going through some things right now and tends to speak crossly to the kids when we’re not around.
But when Sarah said it, she didn’t say it about Grandma; she said it about the family. And Grandma caught onto it right away. She said, “You know, I really do that, and I want to improve.” My wife and I quickly said, “You know, Grandma, we all do that. We all need to improve.” And so one of the lines in our mission statement now reads, “We will recognize when we are experiencing stress in our lives and not pass it on to others.”
I’m convinced that just going through the process itself is very healthy for a family because it provides a safe environment for people to share. And safe environments don’t happen naturally in human behavior. The typical response is to be critical or defensive. But when you say, “Okay, we’re going to talk about how we’d like our family to be,” you create a safe space for people to express their feelings and ideas. It’s non-threatening because you don’t talk about people, you talk about issues.
What a wonderful experience for children—to know that their ideas and feelings are valued and that they are a vital part of making their family all that it can be!
Now, when teenagers are involved, the effort to create a family mission statement may be a little more complex. In fact, you may even initially meet with some resistance. In our own family we found that some of the older children were not really interested in the process at first. They wanted to hurry and get it over with. They didn’t see the reason for taking so much time to talk about such serious things. But as we found ways to lighten it up and as we kept coming back to it, their interest grew.
Sean (son):
I think I was in high school when we did our family mission statement. I didn’t really care about the words at the time. But the whole process of doing it—knowing that my parents had a vision and a target—gave me a sense of stability. I felt, Things are okay. My parents have things sorted out, and we’re focused.
One father with older children shared this:
For my fiftieth birthday I decided to involve my two teenage daughters in the mission statement process by taking them with my wife and me to Hawaii for a “7 Habits Week.” I thought we might spend about half of each day reading and discussing one of the 7 Habits, and the other half of the day having fun, playing on the beach, and doing other normal vacation kinds of things.