A glance at this picture wall is like having your whole life flash before you in a few seconds. I’m flooded with memories, nostalgia, pride, joy, and renewal. Life goes on, and it’s so wonderful. We have lots of scrapbooks, and I enjoy those, too. But this is our family—our life—all around me. And I love it.
I have often wished we could expand that wall to include pictures of the future as well—to see ourselves, our spouses, and our children ten, twenty, even fifty years down the road. How mind and heart expanding it would be if we could see the challenges they will face, the character strength they will develop, the contributions they will make! And what a difference it would make in our interactions with each other if we could see beyond the behavior of the moment—if we could treat everyone in the family from the perspective of all they have been and all that we can help them become, as well as whatever they may happen to be doing at any given moment.
To act on that kind of vision—instead of on the emotion or the behavior of the moment—makes all the difference in parenting. Take a jugular issue such as disciplining a child, for example. One of the most valuable things Sandra and I have learned as a result of “big picture” thinking is the difference between punishment and discipline. Perhaps I can illustrate with the common practice of sending a child to a “time-out” room.
Many people use a “time-out” room as a place to send a misbehaving child until he or she settles down. How this time-out room is used clearly represents the distinction between punishment and discipline. Punishment would be saying to the child, “Okay, you’ve got to go into the time-out room for thirty minutes.” Discipline would be saying, “Okay, you need to go into the time-out room until you decide to live by what we agreed.” Whether the child stays in the room for one minute or one hour doesn’t matter, as long as the child has exercised the necessary proactivity to make the right choice.
For example, if a son clearly misbehaves, then he needs to go into the time-out room until he makes up his mind to do otherwise. If he comes out and continually misbehaves, then that means he hasn’t made up his mind, so that issue would have to be discussed. But the point is that you’re showing respect and affirming that he has the power to choose the behavior that is consistent with the principles in the agreement. Discipline is not emotional. It’s handled in a very direct and matter-of-fact way, carrying out the consequences agreed to beforehand.
Whenever a child misbehaves, it’s important to remember Habit 2 (Begin with the end in mind) and to be clear about exactly what it is you’re trying to do. Your end in mind as a parent is to help the child learn and grow, to nurture a responsible person. The objective of discipline is to help the child develop internal discipline—the capacity to make right choices even when there are influences to do otherwise.
In light of that, one of the most important things you can do is involve Habit 1 (Be proactive) on the child’s level and affirm his or her capacity to be “responseable.” Make it clear that the issue is the behavior, not the child. Affirm, rather than deny, the child’s ability to make choices. You can also help children improve their ability to make good choices by encouraging them to keep a personal journal. In that way they strengthen their own unique human gifts by observing their own involvement and educating their conscience. You can also use Habit 4 to come up with win-win agreements regarding rules and consequences in advance.
Sandra and I find that when our children experience this kind of discipline, they have a whole different spirit about them. Their energy is focused on dealing with their own conscience instead of with us. They become more open and teachable. And often, discipline actually builds the Emotional Bank Account. There’s good will in the relationship rather than rejection and harshness. Children may still make bad choices, but they come to trust the sense of dependability and stability in principles and in a principle-centered home environment.
The ability to see the “big picture” makes an enormous difference in every family interaction. Perhaps when all of us look at the members of our family (including ourselves), we ought to envision everyone wearing a T-shirt that says, “Be patient; I’m not finished yet.” And we ought always to assume good faith. By acting on the assumption that others are trying to do their best as they see it, we can exert a powerful influence in bringing out the best in them.
If we can always see each other as constantly changing and growing and acting in good faith—and if we can keep our destination, the end, in mind—we’ll have the motivation and the commitment it takes to always go for win-win.
SHARING THIS CHAPTER WITH ADULTS AND TEENS
Learning to Think “Win-Win”
Discuss the arm wrestling demonstration. Why is the win-win way of arm wrestling and thinking so much better for family relationships?
Discuss how one person with a win-win attitude can change a situation.
Ask family members: Why is internal contention more destructive to the family than the turbulent pressures from outside?
Interdependence Is the Goal
Ask family members: What needs to happen for family members to be able to work together to come up with solutions that are better than any one family member could come up with alone? How would the “one question, one commitment” idea be helpful?
Discuss the consequences of win-lose and lose-win thinking. Ask: Can you think of any situation in which either of these alternatives would work better than win-win?
Moving from “Me” to “We”
Review the funeral story as an example of how a very sensitive situation was turned into a win-win for everybody by one man with a vision and a plan. Discuss how you can develop and model a win-win attitude and behavior in some situation in your life.
Talk about the difference between a “scarcity” and an “abundance” mentality. Identify a situation in which an abundance mentality would benefit your family. Try to use abundance thinking for a week. Talk over the difference it makes in your family culture.
Developing Win-Win Agreements with Family Members
Discuss the stories in this chapter that deal with the development of family win-win agreements. Talk about the difference these agreements make for children and for parents. Try creating a win-win agreement with another family member. Live with it for a week. Discuss the benefits and challenges.
Discuss the difference between discipline and punishment. Ask: How can we discipline without punishing?
Discuss what it means to see the big picture. When a family member is being disagreeable, how can seeing beyond the behavior of the moment help you think win-win?
SHARING THIS CHAPTER WITH CHILDREN
Enough for Everyone
Enjoy an afternoon in the sun with your children. Go to a place such as the beach, the park, or the mountains and talk with them about how wonderful the sun is and how there is enough for everyone. Point out that it doesn’t take anything away from the sun whether one or one million people are enjoying it. There is an abundance of sunshine, just as there is an abundance of love. Loving one person doesn’t mean you cannot love other people as well.
Play a game. Tell the children that this time, “winning” means it’s got to be a win for everyone. Decide on some new rules which say that being kind and considerate to the other players is more important than getting the most points. See what happens. Children might decide to give up a turn now and then, share the game money or candy, go for a team score, or offer advice on how to make a better move. After the game, have them discuss how helping everyone win made them feel. Help them to understand that the world has room for lots of winners.
Invite the family to a ball game and explain on the way that the plan is for everyone to take note of the “best” they see on the playing field—best play, best teamwork, best sportsmanship, best coordination—not only from the team they’re rooting for, but also from the opposing team. After the game, compare notes and have them point out all the good things they observed. Ask family members to share their insights and feelings.
Share the story about the two young brothers who had such a competitive relationship that they couldn’t enjoy being together. Discuss how the win-win approach they developed could help in solving any similar problems you might have between your children.
Select an issue that has created a struggle between you and your children. It could be something such as getting a swingset they want badly, visiting an amusement park, or doing something you’re not sure you want them to do. Sit down and discuss it. Lay all cards on the table. Determine what would constitute a win for each person involved and try to come up with a true win-win solution. Discuss together how you feel when the solution is reached.