One of the greatest opportunities of being a parent is to teach children the principles that will ultimately bring them the greatest happiness and success in life. But you can’t do that without the relationship. “I don’t care how much you know until I know how much you care.”
Jenny (daughter):
One of my favorite memories of one-on-one time with my dad was during the summer of 1996. Every morning Dad would wake me up at 6:00 and we would go biking on an upper mountain road together. We would spend a full hour riding alongside each other, talking things over and telling stories. He would teach me so many things, and I could tell him anything. We would end the morning by watching the sun rise and drinking water from a fresh spring. I often reflect on those rides and remember how wonderful it was.
One-on-one bonding times give you the opportunity to build that relationship, that Emotional Bank Account, so that you can teach. Sandra and I have found that when we take one child aside from the others, go where there is some privacy, and give full attention—when we are completely present—we are amazed how effective our teaching, discipline, or communication can be. But when out of a sense of time pressure and practical necessity we attempt to teach, discipline, or correct when others are present, we are amazed at how ineffective we usually are.
I am convinced that many children know what they should do, but their minds are not made up to do it. People don’t act on what they know; they act on how they feel about what they know and about themselves. If they can come to feel good about themselves and about the relationship, they are encouraged to act on what they know.
Put the Big Rocks in First
These weekly family times and one-on-ones are vital—even foundational—in dealing with fundamental family needs, in building Emotional Bank Accounts, and in creating the entire culture in the family.
So how do you do it? How do you manage your time to have a weekly family time and regular, meaningful one-on-one bonding times with the members of your family?
I’d like to ask you to use your imagination for a moment. Imagine that you’re standing behind a table, and on this table is a large openmouthed jar that is almost completely filled with small pebbles. On the table beside the jar are several large-fist-sized rocks.
Now suppose that this jar represents the next week of your life. Let the pebbles in the jar represent all the things you’d normally do. Let the big rocks represent family time and one-on-ones and other things that are really important to you—maybe things such as exercising or working on a family mission statement or just having fun together. Make the rocks represent things that in your heart of hearts you know you really should do but at this point haven’t been able to “fit into” your schedule.
As you stand behind this table, imagine that your task is to fit in as many of the big rocks as you possibly can. You begin to work at it. You try to force the big rocks into the jar. But you’re able to get only one or two in. So you take them out again. You look at all the big rocks. You study their size. You look at their shape. You realize that maybe if you choose different rocks, you could get more of them in. So you try again. You work at it and rearrange things until you’re finally able to fit three big rocks into the jar. But that’s it. As hard as you try, that’s all you can fit in.
How do you feel? You look at the jar. It’s full to the brim, and you have all these really important things—including these family things—that aren’t getting done. And it’s the same thing every week. Maybe it’s time to consider a different approach.
Suppose you take out those three big rocks. Suppose you get another container, and you pour all the pebbles into it. And then you put the big rocks in first!
Now how many of those rocks are you going to fit in? A lot more, for sure. And when you have the jar full of big rocks, then you can pour the pebbles in over them. And look how many of them will still fit in!
The point is this: If you don’t put the big rocks in first, they hardly ever get in at all! The key is to put the big rocks in first.
Cynthia (daughter):
Dad was out of town quite a bit while I was growing up, but we did more together as a family than most. I had more one-on-one time with him than any of my friends whose fathers had nine-to-five jobs.
I think there were two reasons. One was that he always planned ahead. He really believed in being proactive, in making it happen, in beginning with the end in mind. At the first of every school year he always wanted to know, “When are the boys’ football games? When are the girls’ scheduled activities?” And he hardly ever missed anything important. He was rarely out of town on family night. He was always home on the weekends so that we could do activities and go to church together.
There were times when people would say, “Oh, your dad’s out of town again!” But a lot of my friends whose parents worked nine to five would sit in front of the TV at night and not even communicate.
I realize now the work it took for us to have family time together—to have family devotionals, family prayers, family activities. With a hectic job and nine kids in five different schools, my parents really had to fight for it. But they did. The bottom line is that it was important to them, and so they wrestled with it and figured out how to do it.
I think the second reason for our time together was the rules. You don’t go anywhere on Sunday—that’s a family day and a church day. You never miss Monday night—that’s family night. We’d usually do something as a family on one weekend night. It was just kind of required. And sometimes as teenagers we’d resent it a little bit. But it was kind of accepted as part of the culture, and after a while we didn’t fight it.
My early experiences of feeling the pain and frustration of not prioritizing some of our children’s plays and ball games and other important activities led me to get into the habit of always trying to put the big rocks in first. At the beginning of each school year, Sandra and I have pressed the schools for calendars of events that may involve our children and grandchildren. We’ve placed high priority on scheduling and being at our children’s events. We’ve also encouraged our children to attend each other’s events. With almost fifty people (children, spouses, and grandchildren) in the family now, we can’t go to every activity. But we do what we can and always try to communicate to all family members how important they and their activities are to us. We also plan major family vacations two, three, or even four years in advance. And family nights and one-on-one time continue to be held sacred in our home.
We have found that there is nothing to compare with the happiness that has come from making family a priority. With many pressures in our lives to do otherwise, it’s not always easy to do these things. But it is much, much harder not to! When you don’t put the advance prevention time in building relationships and investing in unifying and organizing the family, you spend much more time later trying to repair broken relationships, save marriages, or influence children who are being powerfully pulled by social forces outside the family.
To those who would say, “We don’t have time to do these kinds of things!” I would say, “You don’t have time not to!” The key is to plan ahead and be strong. “Where there’s a will, there’s a way.”
And when you really do put those big family rocks in first, you begin to feel this deep sense of inner peace. You’re not constantly feeling torn between family and work. In fact, you will find there’s actually more of you to contribute in other places because of it.
Commitment to these family structures brings life to the principles of effective family living. It creates a beautiful family culture that enables you not to be seduced by the popular culture’s system of extrinsic rewards. When you’re on the periphery and don’t actually experience this beautiful family culture, it’s easy to become distracted, to be pulled in other directions. But when you’re in the middle of it, your only question is “How could there possibly be anything better?”