Then you can begin the refinement process. You’ll find that the greatest struggle in doing mission statements is prioritizing destinations and values—in other words, deciding what is the highest purpose and the highest value, and then the next highest and the next. This is tough duty.
I attended a conference of Asian leaders in Bangkok, where research was presented showing the prioritization of values in the Western world compared to the Asian world. People from both areas of the world said they valued cooperation and teamwork, but it was a low value in the Western world and a high value in the Eastern world. Interestingly, the Asian leaders were very anxious not to lose that value and go the Western way, which focused primarily on independence, freedom of action, and individuality.
Now, I’m not attempting to deal with the question of which value is right or should be the highest. I’m only trying to demonstrate that the real heart of the challenge in developing mission statements is in prioritizing these things.
One way that I have seen this challenge dealt with effectively in the family is for people to write down their top five values and then eliminate them one at a time until they are down to one. This way, people are forced to think through what really matters most to them. This itself can be a great teaching process, since family members may also come to discover that integrity is greater than loyalty, honor is greater than moods, principles are greater than values, mission is greater than baggage, leadership is greater than management, effectiveness is greater than efficiency, and imagination is more powerful than conscious willpower activity.
The very process of exploring what your family is all about can bring other powerful benefits to the family culture as well. Mission statements focus on possibilities, not on limitations. Instead of arguing for your weaknesses, in a sense you’re arguing for what is possible, for what you can visualize. Whatever you argue for eventually becomes yours. Notice that the great literature, the great movies, and the great art—the kind that really inspire and edify—essentially focus on vision and possibilities and on tapping into our most noble motives and impulses, our highest self.
And just think about the impact on the Emotional Bank Account! If nothing else were to be gained from this process, the mere act of spending the time, of listening to one another, and of relating on such a deep level would make tremendous deposits. Think about what it communicates to family members about their individual worth and the value of their ideas.
This process can also be very enjoyable. Initially, it may feel a little uncomfortable. It may throw people a little out of their comfort zone because they’ve never become involved with others in such deep, reflective discussion. But as they do become involved, a kind of excitement begins to develop. The communication becomes very authentic and the bonding becomes very deep. And slowly, almost imperceptibly perhaps, within the hearts and minds of family members, the substance of the mission statement itself begins to come into focus.
Step Two: Write Your Family Mission Statement
With ideas out on the table, you’re now ready to have someone in the family refine and distill and pull them all together into some kind of expression that will reflect the collective feeling of the hearts and minds of those who have contributed.
In one sense, it is extremely important to get this expression down on paper. The very process of writing brings a crystallization of thought and distills learning and insights into words. It also imprints the brain and reinforces learning, and it makes the expression visible and available to everyone in the family.
In another sense, writing a mission statement on paper is not as powerful as writing it in the hearts and minds of family members. But the two are not mutually exclusive. One can lead to the other.
Let me emphasize here that whatever you come up with at first will be a rough draft—possibly the first of many drafts. Family members will need to look at it, think about it, live with it, discuss it, make changes. They will need to work with it until everyone comes to agreement: “This is what this family is about. This is our mission. We believe it. We buy into it. We are ready to commit to live it.”
The following are examples of family mission statements that have gone through this process—including our own, which is first. As you can tell, each statement is unique, and each reflects the values and beliefs of those who wrote it. These are not intended to be models for your mission statement. Yours would reflect your own hopes, values, and beliefs.
Perhaps you will feel—as we do—a sense of deep respect and appreciation for the very personal sharing by those who have given permission for us to print their mission statements.
The mission of our family is to create a nurturing place of faith, order, truth, love, happiness, and relaxation, and to provide opportunity for each individual to become responsibly independent, and effectively interdependent, in order to serve worthy purposes in society.
Our family mission is to:
Value honesty with ourselves and others.
Create an environment where each of us can find support and encouragement in achieving our life’s goals.
Respect and accept each person’s unique personality and talents.
Promote a loving, kind, and happy atmosphere.
Support family endeavors that better society.
Maintain patience through understanding.
Always resolve conflicts with each other rather than harboring anger.
Promote the realization of life’s treasures.
Our family mission:
To love each other . . .
To help each other . . .
To believe in each other . . .
To wisely use our time, talents, and resources to bless others . . .
To worship together . . .
Forever.
Our home will be a place where our family, friends, and guests find joy, comfort, peace, and happiness. We will seek to create a clean and orderly environment that is livable and comfortable. We will exercise wisdom in what we choose to eat, read, see, and do at home. We want to teach our children to love, learn, laugh, and to work and develop their unique talents.
Our family is happy and has fun together.
We all feel secure and feel a sense of belonging.
We support each other fully in our seen and unseen potential.
We show unconditional love in our family and inspiration for each other.
We are a family where we can continually grow in mental, physical, social/emotional, and spiritual ways.
We discuss and discover all aspects of life.
We nurture all life forms and protect the environment.
We are a family that serves each other and the community.
We are a family of cleanliness and order.
We believe that diversity of race and culture is a gift.
We appreciate the grace of God.
We hope to leave a legacy of the strength and importance of families.
Keep in mind that a mission statement doesn’t have to be some big, formal document. It can even be a word or a phrase, or something creative and entirely different such as an image or a symbol. I know of some families who have written a family song that embodies what matters most to them. Others have captured a sense of vision through poetry and art. I have known of families who have structured their mission statement by building phrases around each letter of their last name. There’s even one family I know of that gets a powerful sense of vision from a four-foot stick! This stick goes straight for some distance and then suddenly corkscrews and gnarls at the end. This serves as a reminder to this family that “when you pick up one end of the stick, you pick up the other.” In other words, the choices you make have consequences, so make your choices carefully.
So you see, it doesn’t have to be some magnificent verbal expression. The only real criterion is that it represent everyone in the family and inspire you and bring you together. And whether your mission statement is a word, a page, or a document, whether it’s written in poetry or prose, music or art, if it captures and gives cohesion to what is in the hearts and minds of family members, it will inspire, energize, and unify your family in ways that are so marvelous, you have to experience them in order to believe.
Step Three: Use It to Stay on Track
A mission statement is not some “to do” to check off your list. It’s meant to be the literal constitution of your family life. And just as the United States Constitution has survived for more than two hundred sometimes turbulent years, your family constitution can be the foundational document that will unify and hold your family together for decades—even generations—to come.
We’ll talk more about how to turn your mission statement into a constitution in Habit 3. But for now I just want to mention this step and to summarize all the steps by showing you how one father from a blended family applied this three-step process. He said: