The Power of Vision
Review the airplane metaphor in Chapter One. Explore the significance of an airplane having a clear destination and a compass.
Discuss the importance of vision and clear purpose in the experience related in “Creating Our Own Family Mission Statement.” Discuss as parents: What abilities do we want our children to develop to be successful when they are grown?
Identify some of the benefits that flow from developing vision. Ideas might include: a deeper sense of purpose and meaning, a sense of hope or of future possibilities, and a focus on opportunities rather than on problems.
Creating Your Own Family Mission Statement
Discuss and apply the three-step process described in “Creating Your Own Family Mission Statement.”
Discuss the three suggested guidelines and “watch outs.”
Identify the four human gifts. Discuss how developing a family mission statement also develops these gifts.
SHARING THIS CHAPTER WITH CHILDREN
Planning Makes Things Better
Ask: If we were taking a trip tomorrow, what would you pack? Don’t tell family members where you are going or how long you will be gone. When they are finished packing or making a list of what they would pack, ask what difference it would have made if you had told them the destination was the North Pole and the plan was to live for a month in an igloo.
Ask: Does it make sense to sew a dress without a pattern in mind? To cook a meal without a recipe or a plan? To build a house without a blueprint? Help the family to understand that a family also needs a plan to succeed.
Ask children to imagine what they would like to see happen in their future. Help them translate that vision into words or pictures you can hang on their wall. The ideas expressed could be most helpful as you start developing a family mission statement.
Exploring What Each Child Is All About
Set aside a time when each family member tells one strength he or she has noticed about a designated child. Write them down. Keep these in mind as you develop your family mission statement. Continue until everyone has had a turn.
Encourage your children to contribute to your family mission statement. Distribute three-by-five cards to the children and ask them to write down or draw things in their family life that make them happy, activities they love to do with the family, or any good thing they see in other homes that they would like to be doing. Keep the cards as you develop your family mission statement.
Go outside on a clear night, look at the stars, and talk about the universe. Or locate where you live on a map of the world and discuss the size of the world. Talk about what it means to be part of the human family. Consider different ways each person and each family can contribute. Ask family members what they think they can do to help the world. Write down their ideas and keep them in mind when you develop your mission statement.
Make a family flag, select a family motto, or write a family song.
HABIT 3
PUT FIRST
THINGS FIRST
Okay, now, I know what you’re going to hear from people is “We don’t have the time.” But if you don’t have the time for one night or at least one hour during the week where everybody can come together as a family, then the family is not the priority.
—Oprah Winfrey
In this chapter we’re going to take a look at two organizing structures that will help you prioritize your family in today’s turbulent world and turn your mission statement into your family’s constitution.
One of these structures is a weekly “family time.” And as television talk show host Oprah Winfrey told her audience when she talked with me about this book on her show, “If you don’t have the time for one night or at least one hour during the week where everybody can come together as a family, then the family is not the priority.”
The second structure is one-on-one bonding times with each member of your family. I suggest that these two structures create a powerful way to prioritize your family and keep “first things first” in your life.
When First Things Aren’t First
One of the worst feelings in the world is when you realize that the “first things” in your life—including your family—are getting pushed into second or third place, or even further down the list. And it becomes even worse when you realize what’s happening as a result.
I vividly remember the painful feeling I had one night as I went to bed in a hotel in Chicago. While I had been presenting that day, my fourteen-year-old daughter Colleen had had her final dress rehearsal for a play she was in—West Side Story. She had not been selected to play the lead but was the understudy. And I knew that for most of the performances—possibly all—she would not play the leading role.
But tonight was her night. Tonight she was going to be the star. I had called her to wish her well, but the feeling in my heart was one of deep regret. I really wanted to be there with Colleen. And, although this is not always the case, this time I could have arranged my schedule to be there. But somehow Colleen’s play had gotten lost in the press of work and other demands, and I simply didn’t have it on my calendar. As a result, here I was, alone, some thirteen hundred miles away, while my daughter sang and acted her heart out to an audience that didn’t include her dad.
I learned two things that night. One was that it doesn’t matter whether your child is in the leading role or in the chorus, is starting quarterback or third string. What matters is that you’re there for that child. And I was able to be there for several of the actual performances where Colleen was in the chorus. I affirmed her. I praised her. And I know she was glad I had come.
But the second thing I learned is that if you really want to prioritize your family, you simply have to plan ahead and be strong. It’s not enough to say your family is important. If “family” is really going to be top priority, you have to “hunker down, suck it up, and make it happen!”
The other night after the ten o’clock news there was an advertisement on television that I have often seen. It shows a little girl approaching her father’s desk. He’s hassled, has papers scattered all over, and is diligently writing in his planner. She stands by him—unnoticed until she finally says, “Daddy, what are you doing?”
Without even looking up, he replies, “Oh, never mind, honey. I’m just doing some planning and organizing. These pages have the names of all the people I need to visit and talk with and all the important things I have to do.”
The little girl hesitates and then asks: “Am I in that book, Daddy?”
As Goethe said, “Things which matter most must never be at the mercy of things which matter least.” There is no way we can be successful in our families if we don’t prioritize “family” in our lives.
And this is what Habit 3 is about. In a sense, Habit 2 tells us what “first things” are. Habit 3, then, has to do with our discipline and commitment to live by those things. Habit 3 is the test of the depth of our commitment to “first things” and of our integrity—whether or not our lives are truly integrated around principles.
So Why Don’t We Put First Things First?
Most people clearly feel that family is top priority. Most would even put family above their own health, if it came to it. They would put family ahead of their own life. They would even die for their family. But when you ask them to really look at their lifestyle and where they give their time and their primary attention and focus, you almost always find that family gets subordinated to other values—work, friends, private hobbies.
In our surveys of over a quarter of a million people, Habit 3 is, of all the habits, the one where people consistently give themselves the lowest marks. Most people feel there’s a real gap between what really matters most to them—including family—and the way they live their daily lives.
Why is this happening? What is the reason for the gap?
After one of my presentations I was visiting with a gentleman who said, “Stephen, I really don’t know if I’m happy with what I’ve done in my life. I don’t know if the price I’ve paid to get where I am has been worth it. I’m in line now for the presidency of my company, and I’m not sure I even want it. I’m in my late fifties, and could easily be the president for several years, but it would consume me. I know what it takes.