This became a win-win for the entire family and a very synergistic solution. Instead of having winners and losers, we hoped each person would do his or her best. We cheered each other on. We had a common goal. One extra point would make the difference in going out for pizza or ice cream instead of going home.
We’ve also found that involving one child in training another child diminishes the rivalry between those children. Both children honor and respect the one child’s achievement because they were both involved.
Sandra:
Sean and David were only eighteen months apart in age. Sometimes there was competition and rivalry. When David was learning to read, for example, Sean would often mimic him and make him cry. Slowly and haltingly, David would stumble on the words, “Mary . . . went . . . to . . . the . . . store.” Sean would crawl out from his hiding place and repeat in the same slow manner, “Mary . . . went . . . to . . . the . . . store,” teasing and laughing and making fun of David until he started crying.
We would interact with him: “Sean, David is trying to learn to read. You had to learn to read. It’s hard at first. Stop teasing him. He’s your little brother, for heaven sakes! Don’t make him cry—just leave him alone.”
This went on for some time until we finally came up with a better solution. Taking Sean aside, we visited with him. “Sean, how would you like to take an assignment? You are older than David, and you already know how to read. Do you think that you could teach David to read? That would be so nice. Sit down with him every day for one half-hour and see if you can help him better than we were able to.”
Sean thought about this and decided to do it. After a few days he brought David by the hand and presented him to us with this exclamation: “Listen to David read. I’ve been teaching him every day, and he sounds really good.” David would open his book and proceed to read, “Mary . . . went . . . to . . . the . . . store,” sounding slow and unsteady, just as he had a few days earlier.
We said, “Congratulations, Sean! You’ve taught David how to read.” Sean was beaming, full of pride for being the master teacher. David was happy, too, knowing that his brother thought he sounded great. It was a win for both of them. Sean had become the teacher, bringing his student to us for approval. David had become the learner, proud of his accomplishments.
There are many ways to create win-win situations—even for the youngest of children. As became clear at our daughter’s birthday party, young children go through many developmental stages, including the need to own or possess their toys before they’re willing to share. Once we as parents understand these types of concepts, we can help our children move toward win-win:
“What’s all the crying about? Oh, look, Johnnie feels bad. Why do you think he feels bad? Do you think it’s because you took that toy away from him? These are your toys. They belong to you. What do you think we can do to make Johnnie feel happy and make you feel good inside, too? You want to share? What a good idea! Now both of you will be happy.”
Sandra:
I remember our two-year-old being mildly resentful and anxious about the time I spent nursing her younger brother. Finally, I said, “Why don’t you run and choose your favorite book for me to read to you while I’m nursing the baby? The baby is so little, he just eats and falls asleep, and you and I have all this time to spend together by ourselves.” It became our story reading time and solved the problem.
Creating Win-Win Agreements
Some of the biggest deposits and withdrawals in the family come from how you handle expectations. Sometimes people just assume certain things about relationships. These things are never talked about, but the assumptions, the expectations, are there. And when these expectations are not fulfilled, it becomes a major withdrawal.
The key is in creating clear expectations up front, and family “win-win agreements” can help you do this. One woman shared this experience of developing a win-win agreement with a daughter who was taking the lower road:
We have a daughter who is very social. She enjoys all forms of activities and always has been involved in every form of dancing, cheerleading, sports, drama, and music.
When she entered high school, it seemed like heaven to her with so many opportunities for fun and socializing—and especially getting to know all the new boys she was meeting. But it wasn’t long before her grades started to drop and home became more of a hotel. It seemed as if she had lost her good sense and was just bouncing of the wall in her attempt to be part of the “real world” and fit in.
We were deeply concerned because we could see a smart girl starting to go down a very unhealthy and unproductive path. So one night we sat down with her and explained in detail what a win-win agreement was and how it worked. We asked her to think about it, and we set a time to meet with her the following night to draw up an agreement that all of us could live with.
The next night we all met in the living room and got out our notepads. We first asked her to tell us about her needs. There were many: She needed more freedom, more involvement in high school activities, later curfews, permission to drive with boys, money to attend the dances, extracurricular lessons so she could improve in an area she wanted to try out for, nicer clothes, parents who were more understanding and not so “outdated,” and so on. As we listened, we could tell that these concerns were very important to her at this stage in her life.
We then asked if we could state our concerns—which we did. And we had just as many. We listed things such as acceptable grades, planning for the future, helping out at home, obeying curfews, reading on a regular basis, being nice to her brothers and sisters, and hanging out with kids who had good values and habits.
Naturally, she had objections to many things we brought up. But the fact that we made it a meeting, that we wrote everything down and seemed to be so organized, and that we had the attitude of really wanting to reach a solution that everyone could be happy with, made a deep positive impression on her. We were able to draw up a win-win agreement very quickly, one that involved every aspect of her life. There were gives and takes on both sides. She insisted on signing it and having us sign it, and she has kept it in her room as her contract with us.
Since that evening she has totally relaxed. It’s as though she doesn’t have to prove to anyone anymore that she is getting older and needs new boundaries. There’s no longer a reason to challenge situations and prove her point.
She has referred to the agreement many times since—always because we forgot something we had agreed to. It has given her peace. She knows where she stands. And it impressed her that we were so willing to negotiate, to change, and to try to understand where she’s coming from right now in her life.
A divorced mother shared this experience in developing a win-win agreement with a son on drugs:
My husband and I divorced when our son was sixteen, and this was very hard for him to deal with. He experienced great pain that got him into drugs and other problems.
When I had the opportunity to attend a 7 Habits course, I invited this struggling son to come with me, which he did. This laid the foundation for a major transformation in his life.
At first he actually went further downhill. But he was finally able to use these habits to pull himself up again. Together we developed a win-win agreement. Part of the agreement was that I would help him purchase a car, which he desperately needed, and that he would make the remaining payments. He was in financial difficulties so he couldn’t get a loan, but I would get it. He would also go through drug therapy. We were very specific about five or six issues that needed to be taken care of, and he agreed. He wrote up the agreement, and we signed it. We were both very clear on what needed to happen.
He had been in great despair and facing very difficult challenges, but he became entirely responsible for his past and courageously began to travel down a different road. He honored every single commitment he made. In a three-month period he was able to totally and completely turn his life around.