We then discussed how stressful this responsibility was for their dad and what we could do at home to de-stress him. We decided to remove all irritation spots, such as leaving schoolbags, coats, and shoes on the floor—and keep the house clean. They all agreed, and we felt very united in this difficult process that was ahead of us.
During the following six months we baked a lot of cakes to cheer us up. We didn’t participate in anything that cost money or purchase things other than bare necessities. The kids continually tried to cheer up their dad, telling him they knew he would get a job soon. They went out of their way to show their confidence in him because we all knew from experience that this would be an area he would struggle with.
When he finally got a new job, the children’s joy was almost greater than ours, and the celebration was one we won’t soon forget. I cannot even begin to list the headaches we avoided because we took the time to sit down with them and explain our situation and what it would take to get through it.
Family time is a wonderful time for problem-solving. It’s a time to address fundamental needs and work together to find ways to meet them. It’s an opportunity to involve family members in the problems and work out solutions together so that we all understand, so that we all feel the solution represents us and we are committed to it.
Maria (daughter):
I remember one family night, Dad went through the list of all the responsibilities that needed to be taken care of in the home. And then he went down the list and asked who wanted to do each one.
He said, “Okay, who wants to earn the money?” No one volunteered, so he said, “Well, I guess I’ll have to do that one. Okay, who wants to pay the taxes?” Again, nobody volunteered, so he said he’d do that, too. “Okay, who wants to feed the new baby?” Well, Mom was the only one qualified for that job. “So who wants to take care of the lawn?”
He went on and on with all the things that needed to be done, and it became very clear that he and Mom were both doing so much for the family. It was a great way to put our jobs as kids in perspective. It also really made us realize that everyone needed to take part.
We know of one mother who has taken into her home many foster children that the state has considered “incorrigible.” These kids have had a wide variety of problems. Almost all have been in trouble with the police. As this woman has discovered, family times are great for airing and sharing. She said:
As we have dealt with these foster kids and our own kids over the years, we’ve found that kids really need close relationships. And these can be nurtured during family time. The kids really like to be involved. They like being in charge of something—games or treats or activities. And they appreciate a “safe” environment where they can express their concerns.
Just recently we had a foster boy who was going through very difficult challenges—physically, emotionally, and mentally. While he was in the hospital, we used a family time to update the kids on what to expect when he returned. They had concerns about his behavior—about his teasing and so on—and we let them air those concerns. We made it safe for them to be very honest, and it helped put them at ease so that they were not so apprehensive. One of the kids didn’t even want him to come back at all, and knowing that, we were better able to handle it.
Creating a family forum where problems can be openly discussed builds trust in the relationship and in the family’s ability to solve them.
A Time to Have Fun
Sandra:
I think everyone’s favorite family nights in our home were the times when we would go on a series of adventures. Stephen would usually make them up as we went along, and none of us knew what to expect. It might be playing a game of volleyball in the backyard, then having a swim at the high school gym followed by a visit to the pizza parlor. Or it could be going to the driving range and letting everyone hit a bucket of golf balls, and then going to a movie and finishing up with a root beer float at home. We might play a game of miniature golf at the rec center, then jump on the backyard trampoline, share some ghost stories as it got dark, and then sleep out in the backyard. Or we might join another family for a hike up Rock Canyon, build a fire and roast marshmallows, and then go bowling. Sometimes we’d take trips to a museum—the art museum, the science museum, the dinosaur museum. Sometimes we’d rent videos or show home movies and pop popcorn.
In the summer we might go swimming or floating down the Provo River in an inner tube. In the winter we might go skiing or sledding, have a snowball fight, or go ice skating on the lake. We never knew what the adventures would be, and that was half the fun.
Sometimes another family or aunts and uncles and cousins would join us. Then we might have an all-day marathon, including horseshoes, archery, Ping-Pong games, tennis, and basketball.
One of the most important ingredients of any family time is fun. This is what unites and bonds family members. This is what creates joy and pleasure in being together. As one father said:
Family time gives us the opportunity to do something that often doesn’t get done in the hubbub of life—to just spend time together having fun. It seems as if there’s always so much to do—work at the office, work at home, fixing dinner, getting kids ready for bed—that you don’t take the time to just relax and enjoy being together. And this is so important, especially when the stress is high.
We’ve found that just wrestling with the kids, telling jokes, and laughing together is very therapeutic. It creates an environment where it’s safe for them to tease Mom and Dad—or for Mom and Dad to tease them. It makes them feel liked.
When thing are too serious all the time, I think they wonder, “Do Mom and Dad really like me? Do they like being with me?” But when we have this regular time together and we just let go and really enjoy one another, they know we like to be with them. They associate “being liked” with having fun.
And it’s almost as if this family time structure helps us—gives us the time—to be spontaneous. The kids look forward to it more than anything else during the week. Because we have so much fun together, they are the ones who always make sure we have it.
Even if nothing else happens during family time, just the joy of being together and doing things together will have tremendous positive effect on the Emotional Bank Accounts in the family. And when you add the other dimensions, family time truly becomes one of the most effective organizing structures in the family.
Making the Commitment
Perhaps you remember—or have seen in a more recent video or movie—the film clips showing the lunar voyage of Apollo 11. Those of us who witnessed it were absolutely transfixed. We could hardly believe our eyes when we saw men walking on the moon. Superlatives such as “fantastic” and “incredible” were inadequate to describe those eventful days.
Where do you think the most power and energy was expended on that heavenly journey? Going a quarter of a million miles to the moon? Returning to the earth? Orbiting the moon? Separating and redocking the lunar and command modules? Lifting off from the moon?
No, not in any of these. Not even in all of these together. It was lifting off from the Earth. More energy was spent in the first few minutes of liftoff from the earth—in the first few miles of travel—than was used in half a million miles for several days.
The gravity pull of those first few miles was enormous. The Earth’s atmosphere was compressingly heavy. It took an internal thrust greater than both the pull of gravity and the resistance of atmosphere to finally break out into orbit. But once they did break out, it took almost no power to do all those other things. In fact, when one of the astronauts was asked how much power was expended when the lunar module separated from the command module to go down and survey the moon, he answered, “Less than the breath of a baby.”25
This lunar voyage provides a powerful metaphor for describing what it takes to break out of old habits and create new ones, such as having weekly family times. The gravity force of the Earth could be compared to deeply embedded habits, tendencies programmed by genetics, environment, parents, and other significant figures. The weight of the Earth’s atmosphere could be compared to the turbulent family-unfriendly environment of the wider culture, the wider society. These are two powerful forces, and you must have a collectivized social will that is stronger than both of these forces in order to make liftoff happen.