When people are open to feedback regarding strengths and weaknesses—and when they have sufficient internal security so that the feedback will not destroy them emotionally and also sufficient humility to see the other’s strengths and work as a team—marvelous things begin to happen. Going back to the body metaphor: The hand cannot take the place of the foot, or the head the place of the heart. It works in a complementary way.
This is exactly what happens on a great athletic team or in a great family. And it requires much less intellectual interdependence than the other form of synergy. Perhaps it also requires a little less emotional interdependence, but it also requires great self-awareness and social awareness, internal security and humility. In fact, you might say that humility is the “plus” part between the two parts that enables this kind of complementariness. Transactional plus synergy is probably the most common form of creative cooperation, and it’s something even little children can learn.
Not All Situations Require Synergy
Now, not all decisions in the family require synergy. Sandra and I have synergistically arrived at what we’ve found to be a very effective way of making many decisions without synergy. One of us will simply say to the other, “Where are you?” That means, “On a scale of one to ten, how strongly do you feel about your point?” If one says, “I’m at a nine,” and the other says, “I’m at about a three,” then we go with the approach of the person who feels the strongest. If we both say five, we may go for a quick compromise. To make this work, both of us have agreed that we will always be totally honest with each other about where on the scale we are.
We also have the same kind of agreement with our children. If we get into the car and people want to go different places, we sometimes say, “How important is this to you? Where are you on a scale of one to ten?” Then we all try to show respect for those who feel the strongest. In other words, we’ve tried to develop a kind of democracy that shows respect for the depth of feeling behind a person’s opinion or desire so that his or her vote counts more.
The Fruit of Synergy Is Priceless
This Habits 4, 5, and 6 process is a powerful problem-solving tool. It’s also a powerful tool that is tremendously helpful in creating family mission statements and enjoyable family times. I often teach Habits 4, 5, and 6 before teaching Habits 2 and 3 for this very reason. Habits 4, 5, and 6 cover a whole range of needs for synergy in the family—from the everyday decisions to the deepest, most potentially divisive, and most emotionally charged issues imaginable.
At one time, I was training two hundred MBA students at an eastern university, and many faculty and invited guests were there as well. We took the toughest, most sensitive, most vulnerable issue they could come up with: abortion. Two people came to the front of the classroom—a pro-life person and a pro-choice person who felt deeply about their positions. They had to interact with each other in front of these two hundred students. I was there to insist that they practice the habits of effective interdependence: think win-win, seek first to understand, and synergize. The following dialogue summarizes the essence of the interchange.
“Are you two willing to search for a win-win solution?”
“I don’t know what it could be. I don’t feel she—”
“Wait a minute. You won’t lose. You will both win.”
“But how can that possibly be? One of us wins, the other loses.”
“Are you willing to find a solution that you both feel good about, that is even better than what each of you is thinking now? Remember not to capitulate. Don’t give in and don’t compromise. It has to be better.”
“I don’t know what it could be.”
“I understand. No one does. We’ll have to create it.”
“I won’t compromise!”
“Of course. It has to be better. Remember now, seek first to understand. You can’t make your point until you restate his point to his satisfaction.”
As they began to dialogue, they kept interrupting each other.
“Yeah. But don’t you realize that—”
I said, “Wait a minute! I don’t know if the other person feels understood. Do you feel understood?”
“Absolutely not.”
“Okay. You can’t make your point.”
You cannot believe the sweat those people were in. They couldn’t listen. They had judged each other right from the beginning because they took different positions.
After about forty-five minutes, they started to really listen, and this had a great effect on them—personally and emotionally—and on the audience. As they listened openly and empathically to the underlying needs, fears, and feelings of people on this tender issue, the entire spirit of the interaction changed. People on both sides began to feel ashamed of how they had judged one another, labeled one another, and condemned all who thought differently. The two people in front had tears in their eyes, and so did many in the audience. After two hours each side said of the other, “We had no idea that’s what it meant to listen! Now we understand why they feel the way they do.”
Bottom line: No one really wanted abortion except in very exceptional situations, but everyone was passionately concerned about the acute needs and profound pain of people involved in these situations. And they were all trying to solve the problem in the best way they could—the way they thought would really meet the need.
As the two speakers let go of their positions, as they really listened to each other and understood each other’s concerns and intent, they were able to start working together to figure out what could be done. Out of their different points of view came an unbelievable synergy, and they were astonished at the synergistic ideas that resulted from the interaction. They came up with a number of creative alternatives, including new insights into prevention, adoption, and education.
There isn’t any subject that isn’t amenable to synergistic communication as long as you can use Habits 4, 5, and 6. You can see how interwoven mutual respect, understanding, and creative cooperation are. And you’ll find there are different levels in each of these habits. Deep understanding leads to mutual respect, and that takes you to an even deeper level of understanding. If you persist, opening each new door as it comes, more and more creativity is released and even greater bonding takes place.
One of the reasons this process worked with the MBA students was that everyone in the audience became involved, which brought a whole new level of responsibility to the two in front. The same is true in a family when parents realize that they are providing the most fundamental model of problem-solving for their children. The awareness of that stewardship tends to enable us to rise above our less effective inclinations or feelings and to take the higher road—to seek to truly understand and creatively seek the third alternative.
The process of creating synergy is both challenging and thrilling, and it works. But don’t be discouraged if you aren’t able to solve your deepest challenges overnight. Remember how vulnerable we all are. If you get hung up on the toughest, most emotional issues between you, perhaps you can put them aside a little while and go back to them later. Work on the easier issues. Small victories lead to larger ones. Don’t bag the process and don’t bag each other. If necessary, go back to the smaller issues.
And don’t become frustrated if you’re now in a relationship where synergy seems like the “impossible dream.” I’ve found that sometimes when people get a taste of how wonderful a truly synergistic relationship can be, they conclude that there is no way they will ever have this kind of relationship with their spouse. They may think their only hope of having this kind of relationship is with someone else. But once again remember the Chinese bamboo tree. Work in your Circle of Influence. Practice these habits in your own life. Be a light, not a judge; a model, not a critic. Share your learning experience. It may take weeks, months, or even years of patience and long-suffering. But with rare exception it will eventually come.
Never fall into the trap of allowing money or possessions or personal hobbies to take the place of a rich, synergistic relationship. Just as gangs can become a substitute family for young people, these things can become a substitute for synergy. But they are a poor substitute. While these things may temporarily soothe, they will never deeply satisfy. Always be aware that happiness does not come from money, possessions, or fame; it comes from the quality of relationships with the people you love and respect.
As you begin to establish the pattern of creative cooperation in your family, your capacity will increase. Your “immune system” will become stronger. The bonding between you will deepen. Your positive experiences will put you in a whole new place to deal with your challenges and opportunities. Interestingly, your use of this process will increase your power and capacity to convey the most precious message that could ever be given, particularly to a child: “There is no circumstance or condition in which I would give up on you. I will be there for you and hang in there with you regardless of the challenge.” In ways unlike any other, it will affirm this message: “I love and value you unconditionally. You are of infinite worth, never to be compared.”