But parenting is not about being popular and giving in to every child’s whim and desire. It’s about making decisions that truly are win-win—however they may appear to the child at the time.
Always keep in mind that parenting is basically a “dissatisfaction” business, and it takes a high level of maturity and commitment for parents to realize that and adjust their expectations accordingly. Remember, what makes kids happy is not the opposite of what makes them unhappy or what dissatisfies them. The lack of air, for example, is a dissatisfier. Air doesn’t really satisfy you—but if you don’t have it, you are extremely dissatisfied. “Air” in the home is what you as a parent provide in terms of understanding, support, encouragement, love, and consistency. To not have these things is a dissatisfier. Without them, the kids would be unhappy. But having them won’t make the kids happy. So parents need to adjust their expectations accordingly.
Frederick Herzberg first introduced this satisfaction/dissatisfaction idea in his “hygiene motivation theory,” which has staggering implications for parents.
Don’t expect a lot of praise and appreciation from your children. If it comes, it’s icing on the cake. But don’t expect it.
Be happy and eliminate as many dissatisfiers as possible.
Don’t define satisfactions for your kids. You simply can’t force natural processes.4
As a parent, you’re going to deal with all kinds of expressions of dissatisfaction from your children. But remember that all the things you do to provide the basic underpinnings of happiness and security for your child usually aren’t talked about. So don’t make the mistake of thinking that your children’s expressions of dissatisfaction represent the quality of the job you’re doing as a parent.
The key is the relationship. People will basically allow you to deal with their needs rather than with their wants when they trust you and know that you sincerely care. So if you cultivate the spirit of win-win whenever you possibly can, children will have the context to understand and accept those decisions that seem to them to be win-lose. And there are several ways that you can do this.
You can let them win in the little things. When children are little, 90 percent of the things are small. In our own family, if our children wanted to set up a swing in the family room, go outside, get dirty, or leave a fort in the house for weeks, we’d generally let them do it. It was a win for them; it was a win for us. It strengthened the relationship. In general we try to distinguish between matters of principle and matters of preference, and take a stand only on the things that really count.
You can interact with them around the big things. In this way they will know you have their welfare in mind, that you’re not out to build your own ego or focus on your own selfish concerns. You can be open to their influence. As much as you can, involve them in the problem and work out the solution together. They may have an idea that’s genuinely better than yours. Or maybe by interacting you can synergize and create a new alternative that’s better than either yours or theirs.
You can take steps to offset the competition focus. One time I went to watch my granddaughter play in a soccer match. She’s a good player, and we all felt excited because this was the key game between two top teams from two different cities. The parents on both sides of the field got really involved as the players battled back and forth in a very close game. Finally, the game ended in a tie—which to our coach was not as bad as a loss, but almost.
After the game was over, players from both teams went through the mechanical process of saying, “Good game, good game,” as they shook hands. But our team was demoralized. You could see it in their faces. And the coach was out there trying to assuage them a little, but they knew that he was also deeply disappointed. And so they were walking across the field with their heads down.
As they approached the group of parents where I was standing, I spoke up enthusiastically, “All right, kids! That was a great game! You had five goals: to try your best, to have fun, to work together as a team, to learn, and to win. And you accomplished four and a half of those goals. That’s ninety percent! That’s tremendous! Congratulations!”
You could just see their eyes brighten up, and it wasn’t long before both players and parents were celebrating over the four and a half goals these kids had achieved.
A teenage girl shared this experience:
As a sophomore I played on the girls high school basketball team. I was pretty good for my age and tall enough to be a starter on the varsity team although I was just a sophomore. My friend Pam, a sophomore as well, was also moved up to be a starter on the varsity squad.
I had a sweet little shot I could hit quite regularly from ten feet out. I began making four or five of those shots a game and getting recognized for it. It soon became apparent that Pam didn’t like all the attention I was getting and decided, consciously or not, to keep the ball from me. It didn’t matter how open I was for the shot, Pam stopped passing the ball to me.
One night after playing a terrible game in which Pam kept the ball from me most of the game, I was as mad as I had ever been. I spent many hours talking with my dad, going over everything, and expressing my anger toward my friend-turned-enemy, Pam the jerk. After a long discussion, my dad told me that the best thing he could think of was to give Pam the ball every time I got it. Every time. I thought it was the stupidest suggestion he had ever given me. He told me it would work and left me at the kitchen table to think about it. But I didn’t. I knew it wouldn’t work and put it aside as silly fatherly advice.
For the next game I planned and plotted and went out with a mission to ruin Pam’s game. On my first possession of the ball, I heard my dad above the crowd. He had a booming voice, and though I shut out everything around me while playing basketball, I could always hear Dad’s deep voice. At the moment I caught the ball, he yelled out, “Give her the ball!” I hesitated for one second and then did what I knew was right. Although I was open for a shot, I found Pam and passed her the ball. She was shocked for a moment, then turned and shot, sinking the ball for two points.
As I ran down the court to play defense, I felt something I had never felt before: true joy for the success of another human being. And, even more, I realized that it put us ahead in the game. It felt good to be winning. I continued to give her the ball every time I got it in the first half. Every time. In the second half I did the same, shooting only if it was a designated play or if I was wide open for a shot.
We won that game, and in the games that followed, Pam began to pass me the ball as much as I passed it to her. Our teamwork was getting stronger and stronger, and so was our friendship. We won the majority of our games that year and became a legendary small town duo. The local newspaper even did an article on our ability to pass to each other and sense each other’s presence. It was as if we could read each other’s mind. Overall, I scored more points than ever before. When I scored, I could feel her genuine happiness for me. And when she scored more than I did, I felt especially good inside.*
Even in a win-lose situation such as in athletics, there are things you can do to help create a win-win spirit and to emphasize the overall context of win-win. In our family we’ve discovered we often have a more enjoyable time together if we go for a “team” score.
Sandra:
When our family included infants to teenagers, it was hard to find an activity that everyone could enjoy. Sometimes we would go bowling. All could participate at the level they were at, but the winners were always the same people—the larger, stronger, and more skilled.
We tried to figure out a way that it could become a win for everyone and finally found a system that worked. Instead of adding up individual scores and having the person with the most points win, we added up the total of everyone’s score. We set an arbitrary goal of so many points we had to reach in order to win as a family. If we met the goal, we would be able to have ice cream sundaes or root beer floats or banana splits as a reward for meeting our goal. So instead of getting upset when someone else had a strike or did much better, we were cheering all of us to do our best so our points would add up to our goal.