I also made the resolve to always remember that it’s more important to be “one” than to be right or have it your way. The tiny victory that comes from winning the argument only causes greater separation, which really deprives you of the deeper satisfaction of a marriage relationship. I count that as one of my greatest life learnings. And from that I determined that when I faced a situation where I wanted something different from what my wife wanted and I did something dumb that put a wall between us (which, even at that time, I realized I would do on a regular basis), I would not live with it or let it expand but would always apologize. I would always say, “I’m sorry,” and reaffirm my love and commitment to her and work it out. I determined to always do everything in my power, not to be perfect—because I knew that was impossible— but to keep working at it, to keep trying.
It hasn’t been easy. Sometimes it takes a lot of effort when there are deep issues. But I believe my resolve reflects a priority that might never have been there had I not gone through the painful experience of my parents’ divorce.
Think about this man’s experience. Here were the two people he loved most in the world—the people from whom he had gotten much of his own sense of identity and security over the years—and their marriage was falling apart. He felt betrayed. His own sense of security was put in jeopardy. His vision, his feelings about marriage were threatened. He was in deep pain. He later said it was the most difficult, the most challenging time in his life.
Through the help of a friend he realized that their marriage was in his Circle of Concern but not in his Circle of Influence. He decided to be proactive. He realized he couldn’t fix their marriage, but there were things he could do. And his inner compass told him what those things were. So he began to focus on his Circle of Influence. He worked on loving and supporting both parents—even when it was hard, even when they reacted in negative ways. He gained the courage to act based on principle rather than reacting to his parents’ emotional response.
He also started to think about his own future, his own marriage. He began to recognize values he wanted to have in his relationship with his future wife. As a result, he was able to begin his marriage with the vision of that relationship in mind. And the power of that vision has carried him through the challenges to it. It’s given him the power to apologize and to keep coming back.
Can you see what a difference a Circle of Influence focus makes?
Consider another example. I’m aware of one set of parents who decided that the behavior of their daughter had deteriorated to the point where allowing her to continue to live at home would destroy the family. The father determined that when she got home that night, he would tell her that she had to do certain things or move out the next day. So he sat down to wait for her. While he was waiting, he decided to take a three-by-five card and list the changes she had to make in order to stay. When he finished the list, he had feelings that only those who have suffered a similar situation can know.
But in this emotionally pained spirit, as he continued to wait for her to come home, he turned the card over. The other side was blank. He decided to list on that side of the card the improvements he would agree to make if she would agree to her changes. He was in tears as he realized that his list was longer than hers. In that spirit he humbly greeted her when she came home, and they began a long, meaningful talk, beginning with his side of the card. His choice to begin with that side made all the difference—inside out.
Now just think about the word “responsible”—“response-able,” able to choose your own response. That is the essence of proactivity. It is something we can do in our own lives. The interesting thing is that when you focus on your Circle of Influence and it gets larger, you are also modeling to others through your example. And they will tend to focus on their inner circle also. Sometimes others may do the opposite out of reactive anger, but if you’re sincere and persistent, your example can eventually impact the spirit of everyone so that they will become proactive and take more initiative, more “response-ability” in the family culture.
Listen to Your Language
One of the best ways to tell whether you’re in your Circle of Influence or Circle of Concern is to listen to your own language. If you’re in your Circle of Concern, your language will be blaming, accusing, reactive.
“I can’t believe the way these kids are behaving! They’re driving me crazy!”
“My spouse is so inconsiderate!”
“Why did my father have to be an alcoholic?”
If you’re in your Circle of Influence, your language will be proactive. It will reflect a focus on the things you can do something about.
“I can help create rules in our family that will enable the children to learn about the consequences of their behavior. I can look for opportunities to teach and reinforce positive behavior.”
“I can be considerate. I can model the kind of loving interaction I would like to see in my marriage.”
“I can learn more about my father and his addiction to alcohol. I can seek to understand him, to love and to forgive. I can choose a different path for myself, and I can teach and influence my family so that this will not be part of their lives.”
In order to get a deeper insight into your own level of proactivity or reactivity, you might like to try the following experiment. You may want to ask your spouse or someone else to participate with you and give you feedback.
Identify a problem in your family culture.
Describe it to someone else (or write your description down), using completely reactive terms. Focus on your Circle of Concern. Work hard. See how completely you can convince someone else that this problem is not your fault.
Describe the same problem in completely proactive terms. Focus on your response-ability. Talk about what you can do in your Circle of Influence. Convince someone else that you can make a real difference in this situation.
Now think about the difference in the two descriptions. Which one more closely resembles your normal habit pattern when talking about family problems?
If you find that you are using essentially reactive language, you can take immediate steps to replace that kind of language with proactive words and phrases. The very act of forcing yourself to use the words will help you recognize habits of reactivity and begin to change.
Teaching responsibility for language is another way we can help even young children learn to integrate Habit 1.
Colleen (our daughter):
Recently, I tried to help our three-year-old be more responsible for her language. I said to her, “In our family we don’t say hate or shut up or call people stupid. You have to be careful about the way you talk to people. You need to be responsible.” Every now and then I would remind her, “Don’t call people names, Erika. Try to be responsible for the way you talk and act.”
Then the other day I happened to remark, “Oh, I hated that movie!” Erika immediately replied, “Don’t say hate, Mom! You’re responsible.”
Erika is now like the Gestapo in our family. We all have to watch our language when we’re around her.
Building the Emotional Bank Account
One very practical, useful way to understand and apply this whole idea of proactivity and this inside-out approach of focusing on the Circle of Influence is by using the analogy or metaphor of the Emotional Bank Account.
The Emotional Bank Account represents the quality of the relationship you have with others. It’s like a financial bank account in that you can make “deposits,” by proactively doing things that build trust in the relationship, or you can make “withdrawals,” by reactively doing things that decrease the level of trust. And at any given time the balance of trust in the account determines how well you can communicate and solve problems with another person.
If you have a high balance in your Emotional Bank Account with a family member, then there’s a high level of trust. Communication is open and free. You can even make a mistake in the relationship, and the “emotional reserves” will compensate for it.
But if the account balance is low or even overdrawn, then there’s no trust and thus no authentic communication. It’s like walking on minefields. You’re always on your guard. You have to measure every word. And even your better intentions are misunderstood.