Almost to a person, they knew what they needed to do—or if they didn’t know, they indicated that they would soon find out. It would become a high-priority item, and they would organize their life to do whatever was necessary to accomplish the desired result. They would make sacrifices. They would put aside lesser projects. They would enlist others to give them help. They would bring to bear their full talent, expertise, experience, skill, wisdom, and dedication in doing whatever was necessary to make a success out of the project.
I then changed this line of reasoning and questioning to their marriages and families. If there had been any doubt before, there was none now. It became clear—almost embarrassingly obvious to virtually everyone there—that the fundamental problem and the source of almost every other problem was the fact that they had never really come to grips with the priority of family in their personal lives.
These men and women became sobered and very thoughtful. Their failure to succeed in this family effort drove them to really examine their own personal lives. As they did so, they came to the realization that family was not just some sideshow. It was tremendously important to them. And they began to realize that “success” in this area of their lives was not a matter of technique and a quick fix; it was based on the long-term principles that govern in every dimension of life.
It was at this point that the entire nature of the meeting changed. They began to really tap into their talents and creativity and apply them to their marriage and family life. They began to look to solid, even long-term principles instead of quick fixes and techniques for the solutions to their problems. They began to think of organizing around the things that really mattered.
Notice how their failure to pull their families together in this mission statement experience drove these people back into their own minds and hearts. Until they had their own priorities straight deep inside, they were not able to work effectively on the family level. But once they had their priorities clear, their own inner victory led to victory in the family.
There’s no way around the fact that in Habit 2—as in every other effort to improve the family—success comes from the inside out. You may well find that the challenge of creating your family mission statement will drive you to the need to develop your own personal mission statement because this is where, in your own heart and mind, you really hammer out the jugular issues of life. As it says in Proverbs, “Keep thy heart with all diligence, for out of it [are] the issues of life.”
A clear sense of personal vision can be an enormous help to you—or any member of your family, including even young children—in knowing and doing what really matters most.
I had one counselor share with me the success he had in using mission statements to work with a nine-year-old boy who was having severe behavioral problems. This boy was of the opinion that he could get anything he wanted by bullying people. He would throw other children around the playground, and he created a lot of problems with other children and their parents who were understandably upset by this boy’s behavior.
But instead of telling this boy what to do, this counselor taught him the principle of proactivity. He tapped into this boy’s unique human gifts. He helped him come up with a personal mission statement of how he wanted to live his life and what he wanted to do. This sense of purpose and vision became so powerful in this nine-year-old boy’s life that he turned around 180 degrees. He was able to see the bigger picture and how his behavior affected others. Within a couple of months the counselor said this boy had became a “model citizen.”
One father said this:
I used to find myself being quite loud, abrupt, stark, and a little bit gruff. But when I wrote my mission statement, I realized that I needed to create more of a calming, reassuring tone in the home. And this has made such a difference! Now I try to use a softer tone of voice, and I try not to dominate the conversation.
My mission statement helps me maintain perspective. It’s so easy to react when you have small children. And it’s so easy not to take time to think about how that’s going to affect them.
But now when I’m in the middle of a situation, I try to stop and think: Is this something that really matters? I find I can justify being strong with the children only if it’s something that really affects their life. I realize now that when I overreact to a cup of spilled milk or crayon on the wall, it doesn’t do them any good.
As Benjamin Franklin said so beautifully:
We stand at the crossroads, each minute, each hour, each day, making choices. We choose the thoughts we allow ourselves to think, the passions we allow ourselves to feel, and the actions we allow ourselves to perform. Each choice is made in the context of whatever value system we’ve selected to govern our lives. In selecting that value system, we are, in a very real way, making the most important choice we will ever make.4
In summary, you may well find that the challenge of creating a family mission statement will drive you to do the inner work you need to do to have your own vision and values clear. You may also discover that this challenge will drive you back into your relationship with your spouse—this very fundamental relationship out of which everything else in the family grows. If you don’t have shared vision and values there, it’s going to be very difficult to create them in the family. So you may also want to spend time creating a “marriage mission statement” to make certain that you and your spouse are headed down the same path.
Three “Watch Outs”
As you work on your family mission statement, you will want to keep three important “watch outs” in mind:
1. Don’t “announce” it. Involving everyone on the level we’re talking about takes time and patience. You may be tempted to just write a mission statement yourself or create it with your spouse and then announce it to your children. But don’t do it! If the members of your family don’t feel that the mission statement represents them, they won’t support it. As one mother said, “Everyone has to feel a sense of ownership in the mission statement. Otherwise, it’s like when you ask people, ‘When was the last time you washed a rental car?’ If it’s not yours, you don’t take care of it the same.” So take the time to make sure that everyone is involved and committed. Except for little children, remember: “No involvement, no commitment.” With little children, identification (emotional bonding) is even more powerful than involvement.
2. Don’t rush it. If you try to rush your family through this, they’ll let you have your way just to get it done so that they can get on to other things. But the finished statement will not reflect their feelings, and they’ll have little allegiance to it. Again, the process is as important as the product. It requires deep and genuine involvement, listening to one another, and working together to make sure the mission statement represents the thoughts and feelings of everyone involved.
3. Don’t ignore it. Remember, “Begin with the end in mind” is a habit of effective families, not an event. The actual writing of a mission statement is only the beginning. The richest fruits come as you translate that mission into the very fabric of your family life, into the moments of your day-to-day living. And to do that you must keep it constantly before you, reflect upon it, and use it as the literal constitution of your family life. You might want to print it up and give everyone a copy, keep a copy in your purse or wallet, or frame it and put it on the wall. One family made a plaque and hung it by their doorbell. It read: “Inside this house are the sounds of love and the spirit of service.” With all the frequent comings and goings, this acted as a constant reminder to everyone of the kind of family they were striving to be.
Remember the Chinese Bamboo Tree
You’ll also want to remember the Chinese bamboo tree. One father shared this fascinating account of the difference a mission statement and the 7 Habits framework made as he and his wife worked with a difficult daughter for many years.
About five years ago our bright, musically talented daughter had just gone into the seventh grade. She began hanging around with kids who had failed a few grades and were into drugs. At that time, we tried to get her to buy into a family mission statement with no effect.