When Jenny comes in the kitchen to join us, I’ll ask her how I did. She’ll tell me how ordinary I played, and I’d better get my act together if I want to keep my starting position, and she hopes I’ll play better the next game and not embarrass her.
Now that’s feedback!
Whenever you give feedback, always remember that the relationship—the level of trust in the Emotional Bank Account—determines the level of communication you will have. Remember, too, that “I” messages build that account. They are affirming, especially when you couch constructive feedback in the best “I” message of all: “I love you. I believe you are a person of infinite worth. I know this behavior is just a tiny part of all that you are. And all that you are, I love!”
Without question, those three magic words, “I love you,” are the most sought-after message of all. I remember arriving home one evening after a full day of travel that included covering hundreds of miles on an airplane, navigating through crowded airports, and driving home through the traffic. I was literally exhausted.
When I went into the house, I was met by my son who had spent almost all day cleaning up a workroom. The project had involved tremendous effort—carrying things, cleaning out things, throwing away the “junk.” He was only a little boy but old enough to have judgment on which things to keep and which to throw out based on the guidelines I had given him.
As soon as I came into the room to look at it, my first observation was negative: “Why didn’t you do this? Why didn’t you do that?” I even forget now what it was he didn’t do. But what I do remember—and will never forget—was watching the light go out of his eyes. He had been so excited, so thrilled with what he had done—and so anxious for my favorable approval. He had lived on the energy of that positive expectation for hours as he did this work. And now my first observation was negative.
When I saw the light go out of his eyes, I knew immediately that I had made a mistake. I tried to apologize. I tried to explain. I tried to focus on the good things he had done and to express my love and appreciation for it all, but the light never came back that entire evening.
It wasn’t until several days later in talking more fully about the experience and processing it that his feelings came out. This taught me forcibly that when people have done their best, whether it meets your standards or not is irrelevant. That is the time to give them appreciation and praise. When someone has completed a major task or project, or has accomplished something that required supreme effort, always express admiration, appreciation, and praise. Never give negative feedback—even though it may be deserved and even though you do it in a constructive way and with good motives in order to help the person do better. Give the constructive feedback at a later time when the person is ready for it.
But at the time, praise the effort. Praise the heart that went into it. Praise the worth of the person, the personal identity that was transmitted into the project or work. You’re not compromising your integrity when you take such an encouraging, appreciating, affirming approach. You’re simply focusing on that which is more important than some nervous definition of excellence.
Nurturing a Habit 5 Culture
As in every other habit, the real fruits of Habit 5 are not just in the momentary “aha!” that comes when you have a one-time glimpse of real understanding of another person. They’re in the habit—in the cumulative effect of constantly seeking to understand and to be understood in the day-to-day interactions of family life. And there are several ways you can develop this kind of Habit 5 culture in the home.
One woman shared this experience:
Several years ago we had two teenage boys who often got into squabbles. When we learned about Habit 5, we decided that this might be the key to greater peace in our home.
During one of our weekly family times, we introduced the idea to the boys. We taught them the process of empathic listening. We role-played situations where two people disagreed, and we showed them how one person could let go of judgment or trying to make a point and simply seek to understand. Then when that person felt totally understood, the other person could do the same. We told the boys that if they got into any squabble during the week, we were going to put them in a room together and they couldn’t come out until they were both convinced that they were understood.
When the first squabble came up, I put them in a room where they could be alone. I sat them down on two chairs and said, “Okay, Andrew, you tell David exactly how you feel.” He started to talk, but before he could get out two sentences, David interrupted by saying, “Hey, that’s not how it happened!”
I said, “Wait a minute! It’s not your turn yet. Your job is simply to understand what Andrew is saying and be able to explain his position to his satisfaction.”
David rolled his eyes. We tried again.
About five sentences later, David jumped out of his chair. “That’s not right!” he yelled. “You were the one who—”
“David!” I said. “Sit down. Your turn will come. But not before you can explain to me what Andrew is saying and he is satisfied that you really understand. You might as well sit down and try to listen. You don’t have to agree with Andrew; you just have to explain his view of this to his satisfaction. You can’t tell your side of this issue until you can completely explain his.”
David sat down. For a few more minutes he made noises of disgust at some of the things Andrew said. But when he realized that he really wasn’t going anywhere until he could do this, he settled down and tried to understand.
Each time he thought he understood, I asked him to repeat back to Andrew what Andrew had just said. “Is that right, Andrew? Is that what you said?”
And each time Andrew said either “That’s right!” or “No. David doesn’t understand what I was trying to say,” and we’d try again. Finally we reached the point where David was able to explain how Andrew felt to Andrew’s satisfaction.
Then it was David’s turn. It was almost funny to see how, when he tried to return to his own point of view, his feelings had actually changed. He did see some things differently, but much of the wind had been taken out of his sails when he realized how Andrew saw the situation. And feeling genuinely understood, Andrew was much more willing to listen to David’s point of view. So the boys were able to talk without getting into blaming and accusing. And once all the feelings were out, they found it relatively easy to come up with a solution they both felt good about.
That first experience took about forty-five minutes of their time and mine. But it was worth it! The next time it happened, they knew what we were going to do. As we kept working at it over the years, we found it often wasn’t easy. Sometimes there were intense feelings and deep issues involved. There were even times when they would start to get into an argument and suddenly stop, realizing they would rather be free to be with their friends than spend half an hour in a room together working things out. But the more they did it, the better they got.
One of my best moments as a parent came several years after they had both left home. One had been in another state and one in another country, and they hadn’t seen each other in several years. They came to our home to go through some things that had been left to them by their great-grandfather. Their camaraderie was wonderful. They laughed and joked together, and enjoyed each other immensely. And when the time came to decide who got what, they were extremely solicitous of each other. “You could use this—you take it.” “I know you would like to have this. You take it.”
It was easy to see they had a win-win attitude, and it grew out of a deep understanding of each other. I am convinced that seeking to understand each other as they were growing up made a big difference.
Notice how this woman patiently used family time to teach the principles of empathic listening in her home. Notice how she followed through in helping them integrate the principles into their daily lives, and notice the fruits of such efforts years later.
In our own family we have found this one simple ground rule to be very powerful in creating legitimacy for empathic listening in the culture: Whenever there is a difference or disagreement, people can’t make their own point until they restate the other person’s point to that person’s satisfaction. This is amazingly powerful. It might be prefaced with words to this effect, particularly if you sense that people have already made up their minds and are basically just going to fight each other: “We are going to be talking about important things that people have strong feelings about. To help us in this communication, why don’t we agree to this simple little ground rule”—and then state the rule. Initially, this approach may seem to slow things down, but in the long run it saves tenfold on time, nerves, and relationships.