He is now well employed and is going to the university. He’s the top student in his class. He wants to be a doctor and is back on track, while it had looked before as if he would never reach this goal.
Can you see how, in each of these situations, the agreements nurtured a spirit of win-win in the culture?
Can you also see how these agreements helped build the Emotional Bank Account? They were based on shared understanding. They helped create shared vision. They clarified expectations. They involved commitment. They built trust. And they were a win for everyone involved.
Let the Agreement Govern
One mother shared how a win-win agreement helped her get off her children’s backs and let them learn responsibility:
When our children were small, I had always made sure their clothes were clean, neatly folded, and put away. As they got older, I taught them to sort the laundry and put away their own clothes. But when they reached their early teens, we felt the time had come to give them the stewardship of really being responsible for their own clothes. So at one of our family times just before school started, we talked about it. We decided together what would be a win for them and a win for us. And we set up a win-win clothing agreement.
We agreed that we would provide them with a certain amount of money for a “clothing allowance” each week, transportation for them to buy clothes, and help with clothing repair. In turn they agreed that they would wash, fold, and put away their laundry each week, keep their clothes drawers and closets neat and orderly, and not leave clothes lying around. We set up an “unwanted box” for anything left lying around. Each item put in the box cost twenty-five cents of their clothing allowance to redeem.
We also agreed that every week we would have an accountability session. They would turn in a sheet of paper that listed the allowance they had earned that week by doing chores. Also on the paper was a place for them to check off whether or not they had done their laundry.
The year started out great. We taught them how to use the laundry machines. They were excited about having money to buy their own clothes, and they went through several weeks with clean, folded clothes. But as they became more involved in school activities, they began to miss a week here and there. At one point they were missing more than they were making it happen.
It was a big temptation to nag them about it, and sometimes I did. They were always sorry and always had plans to do better. But after a while I began to realize that I had given them a responsibility and then had taken it back. As long as I was reminding them, it was my problem, not theirs.
So I bit my tongue and let the agreement play itself out. Every week I cheerfully sat down with them and accepted their paper. I paid them the allowance they earned. If they had done their clothes, I gave them their clothing allowance. If not, I didn’t. Week after week they were brought face-to-face with their own performance.
Before long, clothes began to wear out. Shoes got too small. They began to say, “I really need some new clothes!”
“Great!” I said. “You have your clothing allowance. When would you like me to take you shopping?”
The reality suddenly seemed to get through. They realized that some of their choices about the way they were spending their time may not have been the best. But they couldn’t complain. They had helped create the agreement in the first place. It wasn’t long before they began to take a much greater interest in getting their laundry done.
The best thing about this whole experience is that the agreement helped me be calm and let them learn. They chose; they got the consequence. I was loving, I was supportive, but I didn’t get in the way. I wasn’t being pulled apart by “Mom, please get me a new shirt!” or “Can’t we please go to the mall and get some new pants?” The agreement governed. They knew they couldn’t come to me and beg for money for clothes.
Notice how this woman let the win-win agreement govern in the relationship. Can you see how doing that enabled her to be less reactive when problems came up? The agreement gave her a sense of security. It freed her to be more loving and kind when the children had problems because she wasn’t subject to their whims and persuasions.
Can you see how this approach would build the Emotional Bank Account? The relationship didn’t turn into a power struggle because the agreement was in place. This woman was doing what she had agreed to do. She let them learn from the consequences of their choice. And she was free to be loving and sympathetic when they didn’t get the result they wanted.
Notice, too, how this woman was able to teach her children several important principles through this win-win agreement. She had given them the example: They had lived with clean, folded clothes for many years. She gave them the education and training they needed to succeed: She taught them how to sort their laundry and how to use the laundry machines. Then she fixed the responsibility through the agreement and didn’t take it back. She patiently, lovingly let them learn.
The Five Elements of a Win-Win Agreement
You cannot hold people responsible for results if you supervise their methods.
Some years ago Sandra and I had an interesting experience that taught us a lot about creating win-win agreements with our children. Probably the most significant thing it taught us is this: You cannot hold people responsible for results if you supervise their methods.
This story is the most popular story I’ve ever told. In fact, entire conferences put on by different groups have been based on it. As you read this story, notice how the five elements of a win-win agreement—desired results, guidelines, resources, accountability, and consequences—come into play.
Green and Clean
Our little son Stephen had volunteered to take care of the yard. Before I actually gave him the job, I began a thorough training process.
[Notice through the next several paragraphs how we identify the desired results.]
I wanted him to have a clear picture in his mind of what a well-cared-for yard was like, so I took him next door to our neighbor’s. “Look, son,” I said. “See how our neighbor’s yard is green and clean? That’s what we’re after: green and clean. Now come look at our yard. See the mixed colors? That’s not it; that’s not green. Green and clean is what we want. [Notice how we set up the guidelines.] Now how you get it green is up to you. You’re free to do it any way you want except paint it. But I’ll tell you how I’d do it if it were up to me.”
“How would you do it, Dad?”
“I’d turn on the sprinklers. But you may want to use a bucket or a hose, or you can spit all day. It makes no difference to me. All we care about is that the color is green. Okay?”
“Okay.”
“Now let’s talk about ‘clean,’ son. Clean means no messes around—no paper, strings, bones, sticks, or anything that messes up the place. I’ll tell you what let’s do. Let’s just clean up half the yard right now and look at the difference.”
So we got out two paper sacks and picked up one side of the yard. “Now let’s look at this side. Look at the other side. See the difference? That’s called clean.”
“Wait!” he called. “I see some paper behind that bush!”
“Oh, good! I didn’t notice that newspaper back there. Good eye, son!
“Now before you decide whether or not you’re going to take the job, let me tell you a few more things—because when you take the job, I don’t do it anymore. It’s your job. It’s called a stewardship. Stewardship means ‘a job with trust.’ I trust you to do the job, to get it done.
“Now who’s going to be your boss?”
“You, Dad?”
“No, not me. You’re the boss. You boss yourself. How do you like Mom and Dad nagging you all the time?”
“I don’t.”
“We don’t like doing it, either. It sometimes causes a bad feeling, doesn’t it? So you boss yourself. [Notice how we make clear what his resources are.] Now guess who your helper is.”
“Who?”
“I am,” I said. “You boss me.”
“I do?”
“That’s right. But my time to help is limited. Sometimes I’m away. But when I’m here, you tell me how I can help. I’ll do anything you want me to do.”
“Okay!”
“Guess who judges you.”
“Who?”
“You judge yourself.”
“I do?”