Sam is now in junior high school, and you would not believe the problems he has! I told Jerry that the next time Sam’s school principal called, he would have to take the call because I’ve had it. That night Jerry told Sam that his mom wasn’t going to help him anymore, so he’d better quit causing problems.
I got so mad when he said that, I just wanted to get up and leave. When I exploded, Jerry said, “Hey, don’t blame me. You’re the one who’s been in charge. You’ve taught and led him, not me.”
Who is really teaching and leading this young boy? And what is this father teaching his son? The father has tried to forfeit his influential position by stepping aside and supposedly letting his wife do the influencing. But has he not had a powerful influence as well? When Sam grows up, won’t his father’s actions (or lack of actions) have influenced him in profound ways?
There is no question that example is the very foundation of influence. When Albert Schweitzer was asked how to raise children, he said, “Three principles—first, example; second, example; and third, example.” We are, first and foremost, models to our children. What they see in us speaks far more loudly than anything we could ever say. You cannot hide or disguise your deepest self. In spite of skillful pretending and posturing, your real desires, values, beliefs, and feelings come out in a thousand ways. Again, you teach only what you are—no more, no less.
That’s why the deepest part of this Principle-Centered Family Leadership Tree—the thick fibrous root structure—represents your role as a model.
This is your personal example. It’s the consistency and integrity of your own life. This is what gives credibility to everything you try to do in the family. As people see in your life the model of what you’re trying to encourage in the lives of others, they feel they can believe in you and can trust you because you are trustworthy.
The interesting thing is that, like it or not, you are a model. And if you’re a parent, you are your children’s first and foremost model. In fact, you cannot not model. It’s impossible. People will see your example—positive or negative—as a pattern for the way life is to be lived.
As one unknown author so beautifully expressed it:
If a child lives with criticism, he learns to condemn.
If a child lives with security, he learns to have faith in himself.
If a child lives with hostility, he learns to fight.
If a child lives with acceptance, he learns to love.
If a child lives with fear, he learns to be apprehensive.
If a child lives with recognition, he learns to have a goal.
If a child lives with pity, he learns to be sorry for himself.
If a child lives with approval, he learns to like himself.
If a child lives with jealousy, he learns to feel guilty.
If a child lives with friendliness, he learns that the world is a nice place in which to live.
If we are careful observers, we can see our own weaknesses reappear in the lives of our children. Perhaps this is most evident in the way differences and disagreements are handled. To illustrate, a mother goes to the family room to call her young sons to lunch and finds them arguing and fighting over a toy. “Boys, I’ve told you before not to fight! You work it out so each has a turn.” The older grabs it away from his smaller brother with “I’m first!” The younger cries and refuses to come to lunch.
The mother, puzzled as to why her boys never seem to learn, reflects for a moment on her own handling of differences with her husband. She remembers “only last night” when they had a sharp exchange over a matter of finances. She remembers “only this morning” when her husband left for work rather disgruntled after a disagreement on plans for the evening. And the more this mother reflects, the more she realizes she and her husband have demonstrated over and over again how not to handle differences and disagreements.
This book is filled with stories that illustrate how the thinking and actions of children are shaped by what parents think and do. The thinking of the parents will be inherited by their children, sometimes to the third and fourth generations. Parents have been scripted by their parents . . . who have been scripted by their parents in ways that none of the generations may even be aware of.
That is why our role modeling as parents to our children is our most basic, most sacred, most spiritual responsibility. We are handing life’s scripts to our children—scripts that, in all likelihood, will be acted out for much of the rest of their lives. How important it is for us to realize that our day-to-day modeling is far and away our highest form of influence in our children’s lives! And how important it is for us to examine what is really at the “center” of our lives, to ask ourselves, Who am I? How do I define myself? (Security) Where do I go and what do I do to receive direction to guide my life? (Guidance) How does life work? How should I live my life? (Wisdom) What resources and influences do I access to nurture myself and others? (Power) Whatever is our “center,” or the lens through which we look at life, will profoundly affect our children’s thinking—whether we are aware of it and whether we want to have this influence or not.
If you choose to live the 7 Habits in your personal life, what is it that your children will learn? Your modeling will provide an example of a proactive person who has developed a personal mission statement and is attempting to live by it; of a person who has great respect and love for others, who seeks to understand them and be understood by them, who believes in the power of synergy and is not afraid to take risks in working with others to create new third-alternative solutions. You will provide a model of a person who is in a state of constant renewal—of physical self-control and vitality, continual learning, continual building of relationships, and constant attempting to align with principles.
What impact will that kind of model have on your children’s lives?
Mentoring
I know a man who is very committed to his family. Even though he is involved in many good and worthwhile activities, the most important thing to him by far is to teach his children and to help them become responsible, caring, contributing adults. And he is an excellent model of all he is trying to teach.
He has a large family, and one summer two of his daughters were planning to marry. One evening when they both had their fiancés in the family home, he sat down with all four of them and spent several hours talking with them, sharing many things he had learned that he knew would help them along the way.
Later, after he had gone upstairs to get ready for bed, his daughters went to their mother and said, “Dad just wants to teach us; he doesn’t want to get to know us personally.” In other words, Dad just wants to dispense all this wisdom and knowledge he has accumulated through the years, but does he really know us as individuals? Does he accept us? Does he really care about us, just as we are? Until they knew that, until they could feel that unconditional love, they were not open to his influence—however good that influence might have been.
Again, as the saying goes, “I don’t care how much you know until I know how much you care.” That’s why the next level of the tree—the massive, sturdy trunk—represents your role as a mentor. “Mentoring” is building relationships. It’s investing in the Emotional Bank Account. It’s letting people know that you care about them—deeply, sincerely, personally, unconditionally. It’s championing them.
This deep, genuine caring encourages people to become open, teachable, and open to influence because it creates a profound feeling of trust. This clearly reaffirms the relationship we mentioned in Habit 1 between the Primary Laws of Love and the Primary Laws of Life. Again, only when you live the Primary Laws of Love—when you consistently make deposits in the Emotional Bank Accounts of others because you love them unconditionally and because of their intrinsic worth rather than because of their behavior or social status or for any other reason—do you encourage obedience to the Primary Laws of Life, laws such as honesty, integrity, respect, responsibility, and trust.
Now, if you’re a parent, it’s important to realize that whatever your relationship with your children, you are their first mentor—someone who relates to them, someone whose love they deeply desire. Positively or negatively, you cannot not mentor. You are your children’s first source of physical and emotional security or insecurity, their feeling of being loved or being neglected. And the way you fulfill your mentoring role will have a profound effect on your child’s sense of self-worth and on your ability to influence and teach.